Writing my feelings about my experience with my LIfe, Job, anxiety, depression and health.
|After working for a company for 12 years, I fell into a routine, I set myself on autopilot. I forgot who I was and what I took pride in. I started with the company when I was 30 years old. I was on fire, slowly but surely my fire dwindled down to a small flame. My flame was close to blowing out, I got sick and realized I needed to add fuel to my fire, before it was too late. I was not the same, the company was not the same, the people I worked with were not the same my fire died out along with the changes in my life. Fueling my life and self-worth is not easy when others depend on you. Where do I start? I started by stopping. Stop the routine and ask for help. I can tell you this, you can’t look for help within the company you work for. Companies are not in the health care business. Companies are into making money and making sure they have the people they need to keep the gears grinding. When you become a broken gear, you slow things down, you simply become a broken gear. That’s ok don’t blame the company they are just doing their job. We are to blame, you know why? Because we put ourselves last before everything else. The company did not break us we didn’t take the time to do a PM on ourselves. In the maintenance world a PM stands for preventive maintenance. Sometimes we love our jobs and families so much we end up neglecting ourselves and our partners.You know when you are bonded to a partner, they are a part of you in marriage or a in a relationship. That is where we hear my other half, our partners and we are affected. When I say family, I mean the children, they are going to grow up and leave us. Well my gear was chipped, rusted, no gear oil and warped. I really neglected myself for all of my responsibilities that I love so much.
I hated my life, my job, my boss, I still don’t like him. I hated my love ones my partner, my friends. I blamed the world for my unhappiness. I stopped socializing; my world turned dark. I didn’t want to be in the world anymore. I felt that my absence would be better. I felt the world did not deserve me, I didn’t deserve anything, I was not worth anything. I was in a world of hate, anger, anxiety, fear, paranoia and depression. My anxiety felt like a small kitten trying to get himself out of a bucket of water. The bucket was not full enough to drown me, I just couldn’t get out. The fear of water was my life, responsibilities and my world. To be continues