When we are so lost that in our milieu that our real self has to find its way back home.
|Once, I saw a sad, lone girl at the subway who always wore headphones too big for her tiny face. I don't know why, I found myself staring at her deep blue eyes, as they stared back; a look filled with contempt and need, both at the same time.
Everyday, we both would stare at each other at the subway. She always stood in the same corner of the train, just like I never changed my corner. I always felt like we were both trying to read each other's minds and somehow peer into each other's hollow souls, and everyday I felt like I succeeded in doing it. Somehow, I had known her since forever, and I knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling at all times, and I felt that she felt the same way about me. I believed that if we ever conversed, we would realize that we found the one person we had always been looking for. But we were both too introvert to initiate conversation with each other. I really wished to talk to her, but every time I took a step towards her, she would too, and then we'd both halt because seeing the other step forth, we would hope that they would take the second step too, but neither of us ever did.
One day, the train stopped midway for some reason, and we both jerked hard and banged into each other. Her skin was cold and smooth, oddly like glass. I looked at her, and she had the same anxiety on her face, the same kind I was feeling. I was hoping she would break the ice and initiate the conversation, and I patiently waited for her to say something, until I realized that there was nothing to talk about. Even though I believed that I knew her throughly, I had no clue what to say to her.
A wave of anxiety and need washed over me and, because of that feeling, I involuntarily reached out to her and she reciprocated. Our palms touched, her cool and soothing touch making me recover from my helplessness. Without a word, I knew that we had finally connected. Through that touch, I said everything I ever wanted to say to her, and heard everything she wanted to say to me. We had connected, a full circle. It was an unusual moment, rare and enigmatic. I refused to let go of her and she held on too, just our palms touching. Our fingers didn't even entwine. Her soothing touch alone made me feel whole. As the train approached my stop, I tried to hold her and consume her, keep her all to myself and never let go of her but I couldn't reach out to her anymore. I couldn't understand why.
I looked at her sadly, but this one time, she did not look back at me with the same sadness, and I realized that this was the first time our feelings weren't mirroring each other's. She had a beautiful smile upon her face, so captivating, I simply couldn't look away until finally, she began to dissipate, her smile never wavering. Her body began to turn transparent and disperse like pieces of paper... everything, her clothes and her bones, and floated in the air enveloping us, never settling. I stared in distraught at her disappearing body, at her beautiful face smiling hopefully at me. I tried hard to capture all her floating bits but in vain. Why couldn't I have her to myself? Where was she going? Will she not take me with her? Weren't we meant to be? As I saw the last bit of her wonderful eyes float away, I began to sink on the cold metal floor. But just at that moment, all her floating bits entered into me through my heart. It was a painful, but I had never experienced anything more exotic than it. She plunged deep into my soul. It was then that I realized that the beautiful girl was my own spirit who had finally become one with me. My spirit, my consciousness had found its destination deep within me and I had finally found myself.
Word count: 697