Trigger warning: eating disorders and transgender issues.
by Andrew Theodore
Feeling the blood rushing out from my body is just the monthly reminder that this body is not what I needed it to be.
People say it’s part of the “miracle of birth”,
But all I would birth is lower amounts of self-esteem and higher amounts of dysphoria.
People always said that anorexia can render one infertile;
But if I didn’t want my fertility at all, what was the problem?
Instead of putting my hand on my chest and feeling my heartbeat, there is something in the way.
Something keeping my hand further from my heart than I’d like it.
Something keeping my lover’s ears from hearing my love for them clearly.
Apparently, the risk of developing eating disorders is pretty significant in the trans community.
But I’m not sure if I can still call it a disorder, as I am still well over 200 pounds.
I didn’t want to go to war with my body, but I did.
Some days I prayed to God or the universe or the neighbors upstairs or anyone who’d listen that I’d wake up as a boy.
Because then I wouldn’t have to starve to look less feminine.
I didn’t want to go to war with food, but I did.
My doctor congratulates me when I show up ten pounds lighter.
I want to scream, “I’m starving to death.”
And I mean it very much literally.
Do I keep going? Do I just eat something?
Why do I have to get my breasts removed?
Why do I have to get anything removed?
The only thing I need to remove is my soul from this body.