Remembering the past isn't always easy. It may just be filled with regrets.
I’ve been cleaning through my laptop, all of the pictures that I’ve been too sore to sort. I finally decided that it was time to face my fears, but I keep finding the pictures of us. I keep seeing the way you would look at me and I remember how warm that I felt, how safe and genuinely, completely happy I was for the first time in my life. Going through the pictures reminded me of how in love we were.
That’s when I found them. Two letters that you wrote me, that I completely forgot about. Both were written about a month after we first met, which wasn’t long at all but considering how in love we were, it really could have been a life time. I wish I never lost those letters. If I had kept them with me then I don’t think I ever would have fucked up in the way that I did.
I doubt you remember these letters, but I would like to remind you of them now. The first one fills my heart with joy. It was a note to say that you have always made fun of the people who celebrate a ‘one month anniversary’, but that you have loved the whole time with me, and that you hope that we can spend many more months together. Every single day. You say that you hate that it can’t be true… Yet. It’s that word that gets me today, as much as it did the day you sent me the note. Yet. I remember telling you “Baby I am always going to be yours” and it pains me that I still hold that in my heart.
The second letter is the one that is more important to me. The one that you sent to me, just 10 minutes after we said goodbye. It tells me how much you’re going to miss me, how I am the strongest girl that you know. How you know about my anxiety, but you want me to think of the future. Of our future. “I can’t wait for that warm feeling to replace the empty feeling I have now. It is literal heartache and it’s so so so sore.” I’m sure you don’t remember writing that to me now. Of course the letter goes on with things that I can’t even fathom any more, things that I can’t actually remember feeling, and things that I know you’ve forgotten feeling.
It’s the final line of that letter that makes my heart ache though. “You are my love and you are all I want. I love you. I can’t express that enough.”
I know that you’ve forgotten how in love we were, just as I did to be honest. I expected the love to continue as it was for that first time but I fucked up. I fucked up when I didn’t help us to grow our relationship and I instead pushed you further away from me. I fucked up when I expected everything to stay the same, when I knew I was a different person and in a different state of mind. I hated you for not knowing who I was any more and I wanted to somehow prove that you didn’t truly know me. I think in a way I wanted you to hate me because our love was so fucking strong that I didn’t know or understand how to handle it.
These letters make everything seem like a lifetime ago. I guess it was to be honest. A lot has happened since then. I guess this letter to you is, yes, partially to remind you of what we were like. But it’s mainly to apologise. I have sat down and reread these letters about a thousand times over tonight and I realise that our love was the most real thing in the world. I understand that you may never feel the same as you did when you wrote to me in that way. I wish it could be different, but I guess that’s not how life works.
The final thing that I want to say to you is thank you. Thank you for the joy that you put into my life. For the adventures that we had and for the true, honest love that you gave to me. You made me feel pure, feel free, and feel like the most incredible woman on the planet. Thank you for everything, my love.
Goodbye is never easy to say. I much prefer how we used to say it to each other. With love, with passion, without regret. I hope you know how sorry I am for ruining what I will always believe to be the best adventure of my life.
But it’s time now. Just know that I wish more than anything that we could both feel that way again. It hurts that I’ve forgotten that feeling and I know it still hurts you too. It’s so difficult to end this letter but I suppose that it has to be done.
Please, from the bottom of my heart, believe me when I say that I’m sorry.
I will always hold you in a special place in my heart.
Yours, for as long as you’d have me. X