A letter to my husband
|I’m write this with no expectations, no outcomes already determined in my head. It’s just me, my feelings. It’s not about your flaws or misgivings. It’s about the way I feel about everything.
People change, grow and adapt as life goes by. The hope is that they change for the better. For some people it’s a moment, or an instance that makes them change, for others, it is a life long learning process with a few little moments in between. It’s wonderful when you finally know better because then you can do better. However, throughout our time together, and a lot of times in my life, I have always felt that it’s not ok to be "wrong", which is probably part of the reason I don't often admit that I am. I feel like once the admittance of wrongness, or not understanding is there, it’s forever held within you and interpreted as needed. It’s always "too late" and "why now". It’s never allowed to be a learning moment.
There have been a lot of learning moments for me, some good, some bad. Some things I learned about myself along the way I didn't want to know. Some things have made me a better person. I have learned that selflessness is a very hard quality and it can not be "tried". It either is or it isn't. I know that in certain areas of my life I am completely selfless. This is with our boys. Their needs always come before mine, no matter what. No matter how tired, or overworked, or overwhelmed I am, they get me, all the time 100%. I have not been that selfless with you and I should have been at times. It was my own feelings of hurt that stood in the way of that. It was self-preserving and pulling up my wall, so as to not have be put in the position of vulnerability, because I was afraid of the response and non acceptance. I have learned that both screaming and silence are equally as dangerous. The nonverbal things and body language is there even if it’s not being verbalized. Sure the sting is worse when it is spoken, but the insult behind it stands no matter in which form it comes. I have also learned a different definition of love than I thought I once knew. I thought love was the good feeling you get when you are with someone, I had it, all the time. I thought it was was about making the other person feel good, self sacrificing so to speak. It’s about so much more. It’s about real communication, and not holding things in, even when it’s ugly to hear. It’s about support, even when we don't agree on what we are supporting. It’s about giving without remembering and receiving without forgetting. Sure things need to be somewhat equal and nice things should be done back and forth, but there is no scorecard. There are no free passes because one person did "their share" last time. I have learned that love is about being happy, not being right. It’s about accepting the flaws of the other person and helping to be a solution instead of adding to the problem, making the flaws so they are tolerable and not overwhelming.
Love has never been the problem for me. I did not need to learn to be In love with you. It was instant, it was wonderful and it was the best feeling in the world. But it was also scary and it brought me a lot of conflicting thoughts; thoughts about life and what the future held for me. I did however need to learn how to be a good girlfriend and later a wife. I understand that due to all the stresses and circumstances in our lives, that you are feeling overwhelmed. You are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and the fierce responsibility for our family. I also know that you probably feel like you are drowning. Let me be you life Jackie. We can deal with the rest later. I am certain the sheer thought of fighting for our marriage makes you cringe due to everything else you fight for each day. I made the most serious vow of my life 2 years ago to you. They were not just words and it was not just standing there in a pretty dress that mattered. It was doing it with you that mattered. This is the "for worse" part and I truly believe that sometimes the "for better" comes only after you have weathered the worst. If all the strength you can muster right now is to simply stand there, then I will pull harder to move us along. But you can't stand there with your heels dug into the ground because then, no matter how strong I am, we wont move forward. You have to give up, give in, and let me help you, help us. I am asking you for nothing more than for you to simply be receptive, willing and let me hold you tight, even if the ride is bumpy. As I said at the beginning of this it’s not about pointing out flaws. It has no ulterior motive, no expectations attached. It’s about me being open minded enough to realize that I have not given you what you needed, even though I thought I was. It’s about each of us finding our moments and acting on them to change the future instead of living in the past. It’s about me wanting to learn your language so I can give you what you need and hopefully you are willing to learn mine. No one is born knowing anything, every single thing we do in life is learned.
Although toes have already been stepped on, I am willing to dance, forever, with you.