My current thoughts on my situation: Insanity.
|Today I felt rich with emotion. My mind, raw from the tornado swirling within. Questions burning me like a fire so hot it could burn my entire world down. It’s like the quick hot cuts of reality are messing with my soft kisses of imagination. Which is to be trusted and believed? Who am I really? Am I this way or that way?
One is a hard and strong woman, who can take on the world with a deep breath and a clear mind. Tunnel vision. The other is one who is soft and slow, like a baby deer learning to walk, naive and lonely. I know which I want to be, but if I make that choice, what will it cost? What will I lose, and will it be the right one? There is no going back once I take that road. Only forward. That sort of fear grips me like a vice.
Change is scary no matter how much we grow, and do any of us really know if the change is good or bad before it happens? They do say hindsight is 20/20. It’s worse when you can’t confide in the one who was supposed to be there for you but isn’t. The only one that couldn’t leave your side, had. That’s the hardest part of this all. The decision is you. You are what I will lose. And with you, a part of myself.
One night, two weeks, months. You cry, and I forgave you. But I haven’t forgiven myself since. These long two years, I had resentment for me, because of you. I thought it was me, but she walked in and took the stage from me, her kisses laced with false promises. You fell for them of course and seemed happy even until it all became real.
She played victim, you played victim. You stole my role in this play, and I allowed it without a fight. I shed few tears and felt very little, like a broken marionette I replied, ‘I’m sorry that you felt this way.’ Why? Why do I have to be sorry and not you? You played me just the way you wanted to and have done all this time. And yet why is it that I can’t seem to let you go now. Because I’m entrapped in the web you wove. I kick myself for not seeing it sooner until it was too late.
But what if I really am imagining things the way you would say to me if you read this? What if I’m overreacting, and just need to calm down, maybe get more sleep. That must be it, I’m so sleepy. I’ve been so tired all this time that I forget myself when I’m with you. If you say so, then it must be so, right?