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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Satire · #2198141
Crisis-mode Heart Response.


ou have reached Tuferwan Cheesecakes. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial EMO911.

         "EMO911. What is your emergency?"
         "Is there a ... a kitty Heaven?"
         "Of course there is. And every kitty goes there, in time."
         "How do I (sob) go THERE?!"
         "You don't, ma'am. People aren't allowed. It's for the best."
         "Stay with me, ma'am. I'm sending an emergency responder from the nearest animal shelter."
         "Are you? Are you really?"
         "Get out the fresh catnip. Help is on the way."

         "... emergency?"
         "She's gone! You gotta help me!"
         "Has she been missing for more than seventy-two hours, sir?"
         "I know where she is! You gotta help me get her back!"
         "We're talking about a grown woman, sir?"
         "Yeah. Yeah, until she goes and acts like this!"
         "Is she your wife?"
         "She turned me down."
         "I see. Sir, I have some concerns about your welfare. I'm going to send an emergency responder to you."
         "Save your paramedics. I ain't gonna off myself."
         "She's not a paramedic, sir. She's just a big friendly girl who can listen very well."
         "Look. I think you understand. Why don't you come --"
         "I have to be here, sir, for others like you."
         "Ah-h, you emo operators are all the same. As long you don't have to do anything for real."
         "You have the wrong idea about me, sir. The responder I'm sending is my baby sister."
         "'Baby' sister? Um, okay."
         "Get out the red wine. Help is on the way."

         "... emergency?"
         "Someone left the cake out in the rain!"
         "I'm sure it was an accident, sir."
         "I don't think that I can take it."
         "I have confidence in you, sir."
         "But it took so long to bake it!"
         "Sir, your next one will be better."
         "I'll never have that recipe again."
         "I'm sending an emergency responder, sir. Watch for the vehicle from Tuferwan Cheesecakes."
         "MacArthur Park is melting in the rain!"
         "Get out the cherry sauce, Mr. Harris. Help is on the way."

What is your emergency?
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