Take Her Back
Aye, Aye Sir
“Here she is - this is A.I.” Mary had me shake the hand of a robot standing in front of me. The robot smiled at me. She was beautiful - no doubt about it. “Happy birthday, David!”
I was speechless. Had I wanted a robot? What message had I sent my wife that led her to buy me this thing?
“My name is A.I. I here to make you happy. Your wish is my command.”
The robot pronounced her name ‘aye’, like ‘aye,aye’. Weird. One more word from the artificial lips and it was going back to the robot warehouse. I wasn’t even worried about money at this point.
“Mary, what in the world? And why?” I sat down on the couch. Mary sat beside me. A.I. sat on the other side. I looked first at my wife, then at the robot, then back at my wife. “This is so wrong. I mean, SO wrong. What am I supposed to do with a robot? Take her back. I don’t even care about the money.”
Mary touched my leg. A.I. touched the other leg. I cringed. The robot was mimicking all that Mary did. “But David, I thought that with me gone so much traveling for work and all you would like to have a companion. She can help with the cleaning and the cooking. She can do the laundry and shopping. You know, everything I would do if I was here.”
I stared deep into Mary’s eyes. There was a moment where we didn’t speak or move. The robot got up and stood in front of us. It spoke. “Aye. Aye.”
Then the robot moved into the kitchen and began to cook. Smells came to us, wonderful smells of pasta, homemade bread.
The robot came back to us. It spoke. “Aye. Aye.” It went to the closet and removed the vacuum. It quickly cleaned the space around Mary and I then replaced the vacuum.
“Aye, Aye.” The robot pushed Mary down to the floor and chopped off her head with her mechanical arms. Then it came to me and took my hand. It led me to the bedroom and threw me on the bed.
“No! Why did you do that to Mary? What are you doing?”
“You will say ‘Aye, Aye’ sir! The robot held me down with its strong mechanical arms. “You will do what I tell you to do!” The mechanical arms pulled off my clothes.
“Hey! Stop!” I was now naked, totally at the robot’s mercy. It showed no signs of stopping. How could I stop this machine? Then I got it. Water! Water and electronics don’t mix. “Aye, Aye! Hey Aye, Aye! Why don’t we take a bath together? Mary and I liked to do that. Would you like to do that?”
The robot stopped hovering over me and got off the bed. It went into the bathroom. I heard the water start in the tub. It came back into the bedroom and grabbed my hand. We walked into the bathroom. I was unceremoniously thrown into the tub. Darn, I thought.
“Wait, Aye, Aye. I have to get the soap first. Let me get the soap while you get in the tub.” I got out of the water while the robot got in the water. Sparks flew. An electronic shriek came from the artificial lips.
“Aye, Aye, and farewell. I guess your warranty just ran out.”