just thoughts I had in a moment of hope and realization
|On God, Love & Timing
My time is off currently, and only the remnants of my foolish old ways are what has me thinking that I attain such power to speed up time. There are many reasons why I feel like I am in control of the life I am living but upon inspection and contemplating there in no such power in my hands. God, who I am a disciple of has shown me time and time again that I merely just a subject who is not in control of when, where, why, who or what. I am just in the cosmos and I just living with no control. I have no control over who comes into my life and who I fall in love with. I am simply just a character in this play God is creating as it goes on. There are times when I fall into the dark abyss of depression, loneliness, and self doubt which leads me in a wormhole of thoughts which are reflective of my lack of faith, my lack of contentedness, and so on. Why do I feel these things? It is completely natural to feel this way in life, we often think we are the ones who have a complete grip over the way things are. I really do not like this unstoppable feeling, full of greed and gluttony. To stop feeling like your life is undesirable, try to limit desires. Desire things that are in your control, your health, your habits. Things that can be changed by you are malleable. The rest is set in stone the day you are born. With love I have personally been feeling ever so alone and unsatisfied, inside me there is this anguish from this void I try to fill constantly so I don’t feel the coldness of it. I try to act like I have control over time and that I can possibly try to find the right one, the person who will fill this void at all times and will make me feel love again. Deep inside I try to find the patience and try to accept that time is not in my hands, but my vices are the reason why understanding and grasping the truth is difficult. There are many days that go by where I feel a billowing coldness inside of myself. The coldness is clearly just the death of desire, desires of which I do not have control over. My addict mind, my alcoholic mind was once satisfied with that void being filled by my sinful habits but no longer, by the grace of God, do I live that cruel deceptive life. Time is not something that can be rushed, time is sensitive, time is healing, time is not to be altered with. At times I feel like love is all that I am lacking in life, but never do I think deeply about what forms of love there are, if we speak of in friends and family I am wealthy, if we speak in forms for passion, and work, again I am wealthy. When we view it in the sense of a romantic, intimate love from another being or the love that I carry inside of myself for myself, I am a peasant. Now break down that viewpoint and think in terms of time and control. I do not have control for the love that someone else has to offer me, I only have control of my own self habits, and the habit of loving thy self is something that can be built, and repaired. I know clearly that there is one thing that I must be focussed on, and that is the building of self love.