A letter to a Lover I never had.
|I feel like Life is just toying with me. I want to believe, more than anything, that Life is leading me somewhere or at least trying to give me a nudge in the right direction. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do, think, or believe. Every time I think Life is giving me a sign or opportunity, something about it kind of falls apart. I want to believe that things have been getting better for me, yet some things still seem the same and I don’t know if that’s good or not. I just don’t know what I want anymore and I feel like the things I do want, I don’t truly deserve. A few months ago, I feel like I deviated from a path I felt I was on. I decided not to talk to a man whom I feel life has been teasing me with. I feel like a dog on a treadmill with a big, juicy steak being dangled in front of me. And it’s so close… but with the truly special things I’ve always wanted, I never get them. I’m always a hairs length away from having the special things I’ve always wanted. I left the place and the man feeling like I was just going to get my hopes up, that after all the signs I’d been given pertaining to this man, nothing was ever really ‘special’ after all, and like an idiot, I’d just been reading too much into things, and could even scare him away.
Maybe I just finally found someone whom I felt I had quite a few things in common with and after everything I’ve been through, maybe I was just a little butterfly and he was like this big, magnificent flower? How could I not flock to him? This person is like rays of sunshine FINALLY showing through all the dark clouds I’ve been under for years. Not false light like certain, toxic people I once surrounded myself with, but true sunshine that has been helping me, and many others, grow into a better person. How would I not want to know what his warmth truly feels like? How could I not want to just surround myself with him just for an hour or two and get to know what he’s like? What kind of man he’s like when he’s not in front of an audience, or in professional mode? What he’s like when he’s alone with me? How can I not imagine that one day, this person and I could possibly care for one another? But I have to bring myself back to reality and remember not to put people, even him, on a pedestal. I have to remind myself what the Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want.”
Every time I look at him, I look into the Mirror of Erised, and good lord, I could look at him for hours. I could get lost in him; go for hours just loving and listening to what he has to say. Shoot, he just has to smile and I forget there were any clouds overhead. He even taught me how to deal with those clouds. I feel like he’s one of those few people in the world dedicated to helping others grow stronger. I believe in him and his work, and that inspires me. I want to be like him someday- help others and inspire them to grow as well. Putting out goodness in the world but still being strong and powerful and firm. I’ve heard of things like soulmates or twin-flames before, and well, I don’t know that that’s the case here but I have to say I feel like I may have found someone who… is just similar to me. One of the types of people I aspire to be like. Maybe we really do have quite a few things in common? Maybe we could even just be friends one day? But I have to remind myself- don’t go looking into the Mirror of Erised and forget that that isn’t real life. Don’t waste away in that fantasy and forget to live your life. I have to remind myself that I can’t have him. And I desperately have to squash that hope that somehow, some way, he thinks about me even a little.
Mankind has always talked about legends and myths, hearts and magic- about miracles. Some of the greatest stories of all time tell of Love being the greatest force of all and that miracles really do happen. About lives being saved at the last second, about people moving mountains for someone they love. About incredible things happening to normal people, and history itself being changed because of one choice. About Love transcending time and space itself, crossing oceans to find and unite people. But what would you say if it happened to you? Would you realize that something truly incredible was happening to you or would you panic and retreat out of fear? I don’t know if Love is what’s happening here, but I’m talking about the one chance of something happening that could spark something much greater down the line. The chance that you could meet someone and by some miracle, just meeting them could lead you on a truly beautiful adventure just because you two met. Does that kind of stuff happen to only those who are worthy of these things or are miracles allowed for everyone? Why can’t I have something like that? Why can’t I believe that Life has always been in my corner after all? Always pushing me towards the very things I want? Why can’t Life just for once… imitate Art? And find out that through it all, everything we’ve gone through- all the pain, all the suffering- that Life was always trying to lead me towards something after all? Why can’t I believe that Life was always trying to lead me towards you? And you to me? Why can’t we have that? Why can’t my path lead me out of Darkness and towards someone or something that ends up actually blossoming and blooming into something truly magical, and we actually do great things together? What if we ended up changing the world together? What if we actually made the world a bit more beautiful than it is? What if life was leading me to the one place I was always meant to be? A life that could possibly one day lead to true Love?
A life with you?