2nd Review following new content and changes.
The New Adventures of Silverbolt.
November 11, 2019
As I've said before, I'm not a professional writer. All of my suggestions, are merely that, suggestions. Please take what you think is helpful, and discard the rest. Please don't hesitate to ask questions. If I don't know the answer, I'll do my best to find it.
I sincerely look forward to reading more of your wonderful story.
I've noticed so many changes from my last view of your growing story.
My Overall Impression: The changes you've made to your story in just a few days have been significant. They reflect an earnest appreciation for not only the story, as you have conceived it, but respect and recognition of each character and their uniqueness as you sculpt and bring them to life for the reader.
What I liked Most
Your introduction to the story is excellent. It clearly identified the two characters; gave the reader not only a visual image of them, but enhanced that image thorough candid and revealing conversations and insights that they shared.
As the story progressed to the next stage, you allowed your characters to grow. Your readers were able to witness that growth, and it pulled them deeper into the story.
Plot Development, Transition and Resolution
"Tomorrow will be a new day, Norma-Jean...I plan on joining law enforcement..." I like the way you positioned the transition of your story line, Jolanh. There's nothing showy about it. I had the feeling Silverbolt's reasons to make the change were real. The close of the first section was nicely done!
Section 2: Diabolical treachery is afoot and I'm loving it. New characters, conspiracies, interesting
motives all combine to make the introduction to this Section flow like melting butter
Section 3 "No, Captain, that will not be necessary. I shall question the man, thank you. You can bring the beast back to the ocean where it belongs. Bring a mage skilled at sleeping enchantments, and the sturdiest cart you can find." Very interesting. I didn't expect this. I like the way you provide the reader with unexpected turns within the story line.
Style and Voice:
Show vs. Tell
It was called an ahklut, part killer whale, part wolf, all deadly predator. Standing five feet at the shoulder, and twenty feet long, it was a black and white machine of death. Fur covered the body except for the long black dorsal fin. Memorable is an understatement! Its description is breathtaking. Great job.
A loud crack filled the air, as the deadly weapon made contact. The beast howled in agony, before lunging at the silvery pest. Silverbolt rolled to the side and saw the blowhole on top of its head. Another excellent picture, worthy of television
The Ahklut shook its head violently in anger lifting the hero off his feet and towards its open mouth. Silverbolt wondered how the damn thing kept its teeth so white and sharp. So that's what superhero's think about while they faced death. Never knew!
She gagged on the fetid breath of the large creature as the saliva dripped into her hair.
Norma Jean: Silverbolt stood next to the ornately carved angel statue, just above the Cathedral doors. He could tell whoever made it had poured their soul into its creation. The female angel's eyes seemed genuinely empathetic, and its open arms were warm and welcome. He named her Norma Jean. Oh, nicely done! You made her memorable.
Section 2 Silverbolt walked the streets and observed the architecture of the buildings he passed. Straw stone and wood were the primary components of their structure. Fancier houses sported clay tiles on the roof. Cobblestone lined the streets, and primitive lamps gave off very little light. I like your description. It's so clear and concise.
Dr. Ira: He rubbed the top of his head and frowned. Not only were his patients turning his hair grey, but it was also thinning. Ira laughed at himself Great visual description as well as insight to the Ira hims
Silverbolt A simple flick of the intruder's hand, pushed the electric blue trench coat back, revealing the silvery blue armor. His hand crackled with electrical energy and caressed the blue steel meteor hammer. Very nice introduction to Silverbolt. I had such a clear image of him from your description.
Norma Jean:When he needed to think out loud, he would come and talk to the statue. Norma-Jean was the perfect list This sentence tells me so much about Silverbolt. He's someone I can care about.
Lady Beaumont: pulled a lock of her copper hair away from her eyes and fiddled with her dress. It had been designed to hide her feminine attributes and curvy form. She was proud of her body but tired of men talking to her cleavage. I can see her. LOL, love her reasoning for the bulky clothing. Right on target!
Conflict, Tension and Pacing:
"Lady, you might want to move. I can't hold this thing back forever." LOL! delightful. What a great introduction to their relationship.
Dr. Ira & Silverbolt
Silverbolt looked at his boots, for a few moments, "Sometimes it feels like people are just waiting for me to turn bad. Like I am going to use my power to take over."
Ira smiled gently, "Mr. Silverbolt, you have to understand superhumans were a myth. We enjoyed reading about them because we were privy to all aspects of their lives, and can predict them. In real life, those details are no longer at our disposal."
You have a real gift when it comes to dialog. It's casual but spot on. I enjoy the candid snippets you create as a character thinks, or is captured off guard. They are memorable and delightfully revealing.
I don't kill people and two years." This is from Dr. Ira's first conversation with Silverbolt. Perhaps consider modifying Silverbolt's reaction to "... it's been two years"
Silverbolts ego Silverbolt's
Silverbolts head throbbed Silverbolt's
turtles pace turtle's
Straw stone and wood commas are needed between each and in front of 'and'
"I don't understand?" I don't think you need a ? here.
Silverbolt Followed followed
Silverbolts body Silverbolt's At this point do a search and replace as needed.
Her smile reminded him of Norma-Jeans guess what we need here.
Clara sat on the fountain, head in her hands. Maybe consider, Clara sat on a bench beside the fountain.
His voice was panicked. This struck me as unusual for Dr. Ira. He struck me as unflappable. Especially when it came to Silverbolt.
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!