by John Pen
An idea for an intro. Need critique.
|A ghastly beam of pale light pierced the heavens above Adelphus in the early dawn. Relief briefly crossed Dane’s weathered face, disappearing in the symphony of doom crescendoing behind him. Its principal musician let out a disappointing grunt before crashing into the sand, spewing fine grains of dust in every direction.
Miles of endless blue desert culminated in the rocky peaks of the Nauplius range lit only by the planet’s twin moons. Dunes rose and fell as the pair slowly worked towards the safe harbor of the town walls adorned with automatic turrets and thick barbed wire.
Danes's lungs filled with the sting of the remaining cold night air, carrying whisks of breath away in billowing opaque plumes. Sand poured from his boots as the mercenary struggled to regain composure, filling again as he bobbed over yet another wave before thrashing down the backside in an endlessly repeating stanza, infinitely grinding to a sluggish crawl, his pursuer gaining ground an inch at a time.
Another loud thud kicked up a cloud of fine dust. The creature let out a horrendous growl. Dane’s eyes narrowed, his wrinkles returned, he grabbed at the sand in a futile effort to speed his ascent while the edge of the dust cloud caressed his boots.
Gradually, Napius’ pyramidal granite tops began to illuminate, reflecting a soft pink. Lights flickered on and off in the buildings of the small outpost ahead, notifying Dane of the path to safety before he tripped over himself, rolling yet again towards the desert floor.
Rover tracks appeared in the sand, the ground hardening to cracked dead earth. Dane’s boots felt lighter as he struggled to gain speed, sensing that his pursuer would quickly start to gain on him in the more favorable conditions.
The mountain tops now shown a bright orange. Heavy clothing turned into a warm bath as the chill left the air. The barbed wire strewn across the wall was now visible only one dune away.
A sharp pain pierced his back, briefly holding him in place. A low snap freed Dane before he plunged towards the valley below. The creatures roar contained the distinct twang of disappointment.
A new wave of excitement overcame Dane unmatched by the sickly feeling in his lungs. Sensing victory, the beast crept closer, powered by reptilian legs and voracious appetite. Its claws clipped the rubber soles of the man’s shoes causing him to fall. He swam intently towards the final crest in a wave of determination, yelling for help as his hand barely grasped at the top of the mound.
Another attempt. The breeze rippled through his jacket. A final angry jab pushed him to his knees which buckled instantly. Dane sank slowly into a dark oblivion.