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by Jes
Rated: 13+ · Non-fiction · Emotional · #2206200
Just how my life has been going and how I've been feeling.
I thought I was getting better. A recovery from how I was before. Thing is, I don't think I've ever been this mentally unstable. I can't talk to anyone since I'm not that close to anyone. I can't tell my mom since I'll be an asshole for worrying her. And I can't tell my dad since we're not close enough and he likes my brother more. He mainly cares and focuses on my brother and is more nonchalant when it comes to me. I don't have any friends to tell either. I only have one person I've tried to befriend in person. Thing is, I don't think she cares about being my friend and just became it to get out of her house. I spend most of my time online so I've accumulated a few friends there. I genuinely don't know what the f*** is going on with me. I don't want to seem like I'm an attention seeker or a bi*** if I tell them everything I'm thinking. I was in a discord server where I had a lot of friends. I was having a crappy day and felt targeted by everyone and had it so I left that circle. Surprisingly, one friend remained. The dude that I would've least expected. The one person that I knew the longest and was comfortable to tell these things to doesn't talk to me anymore. We're more like "facebook friends," now. I've lost so much freaking will power to do anything at all. I was so confident in my future just a mere few weeks ago but now I don't even have a clue on what I want to major in. Earlier today, my mom told me that she was gonna kill herself again. She said she was so close to stabbing herself with that knife... I just don't know what to do. My brother's girlfriend is here right now. My mom said they bonded and she absolutely loves her. Does she not love me anymore? Am I too rude? Mean? Out of place? Annoying...? For the past few days, I've been so damn suicidal. I was gonna tell this one person but thought about how much of a dumb move it was. I didn't want him telling anyone and he kind of just started ghosting me. Due to him ghosting me, I wasn't sure. I asked him how often he cried. I was thinking if I could just cry then I'll get over it. I'd say it might've worked if I knew how to actually cry. Thing was, time passed. The feelings remained but I was too calmed to actually cry. I had typed out that I didn't know what to do but I couldn't press enter. I just couldn't. So I just excused myself and carried on doing nothing and being useless. I literally carry problems to everywhere I go. At school, I'm taking more advanced classes than I'm used to. The only regular one is Geometry since it's cp. I've never worked as hard as I have for school than I do in my government and politics class. It's college level and better known as ap. I've had to deal with the stress from school and just everywhere and I wanna stab myself for just thinking all the shit I'm thinking. I kind of want to see a psychologist but I don't want my parents to know. I don't tell people things easily. I prefer to hide them and just deal with it. And if I had a psycologist then would I even say anything to her? Will I tell her what's on my mind? Will I be honest? The answer to all these are no. If I'm going to be seeing her often then how would I get along with her if she knew that I was basically a defect of society?! There is no way. Thanks for listening.
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