Defining behaviour and pattern recognition
|My internal files in my mind are trying to guide my behavior and pattern recognition and organize situations and process my recent visit to memories I had long pushed behind me, to the back of my mind in an internal file untouched. The fact, I am wading through my own personal steps for self-improvement, it allowed my courage to finally revisit a memory and expose it so I could process it properly.
Emotional safety depends upon predictability but predictability depends upon conquering and chaos. If I sit inside predictability without movement, without courage, I will never improve. I’ll remain the same and experience that familiar repetition. That breeds frustration. Chaos is hard to mentally digest, when things become chaotic we become confused, emotions take over and we feel ourselves falling or losing control. My internal files regarding this memory sat predictably and comfortably knowing the what’s, where’s, how’s and when’s. The same as the predictable internal files that know when I walk into my house, that the kitchen table will still be where it was when I left. It knows where the cat food is stored, the milk, the bathing towels, everything. If you can see clearly and had an accident and become blind – your house would be the one place first and foremost where you would struggle less with moving around – because your internal files know where everything is.
The more your environment or the event matches your internal files the less memorable it becomes. Memories and your internal files (pilot mode) are two different things. As soon as you enter into a situation or thought process of something you have not experienced before you even conclude anything on that situation or thought you start moving through probabilities of the whys and hows just trying to figure it out. So it switches itself off and allows me to continue my day unscathed and functional because the associated emotional feelings are so intense, my mind prevents me from making one.
Albeit, avoidance I understand prevents me from recovery or mindful repair. That part of unprocessed chaos in those memories undermines my natural or necessary assumptions of who I am in this world. Exposing this memory allows me to pick it up, examine it, process it and put it away in my internal files. Eventually those memories loss emotional strength and become just part of your past but not utilised in your future. Hence, ineffective in triggering those old emotions and affecting your behaviour in the here and now. It loses power and gives you control over your memory and internal files and allows you to not be controlled by the constant fear or undying fear of being triggered by them.
I have been confronting my internal files for years. I understood that I was being triggered by things I see and becoming inconsolable and losing control. But losing control out of my control. Nowadays I allow myself to lose control but under my control, if that makes sense. It’s healthy to allow yourself to let go of all reasoning sometimes, to just be anything without regiments and rules. As long as you don’t hurt anybody else. It isn’t about anybody else either, it's about you. You giving yourself that control and living for you, as mindfully as you can for yourself. It’s taken a lot of courage to confront my internal files/memories and still I have more to work on but either way I don’t see myself as ‘hard done by’ or under any hardship because of the way life has treated me and the way in which I have at times allowed myself to be treated. I take responsibility for myself and all my internal files and memories that are hard to swallow because there is not one single soul on this planet or up above that can do this for me – except me. It’s my responsibility and my mind, emotions, behaviours, reactions and detractions and lifestyle. All down to me.