A realisation, making me sad and making me rage
|"God...Tell us the reason... Youth is wasted on the young..." - Adam Levine, Lost Stars
I remorse over none other youth, than my very own.
I know I am who I am today because of all of the present moments of my life that have accumulated to this present.
I am grateful to have become the person I am. I am grateful for the life I have. I am grateful for the abundance in my mind and abundance in my life.
WHY the remorse, then?
My recent realisation is that my mind is actually working very well, I have unlocked its ability beyond what I had known I had.
Yes, the autistic mind needs certain things to unlock, sometimes. Each autistic mind is different. For me, the unlock was repetitive music.
One song. On repeat. For hours or for the day and for days.
My recent realisation is the awareness of my autism and with it, its strengths. I actually do recognise patterns very well, I can catch details very well, and I can innovate. I build my knowledge of something piece by piece, like a puzzle. I can consume heaps of information to do this, and create my own logic from it. More information, higher quality information, means a realistic vision with clarity of the topic I study. I apply logic and problem solving well.
And yet, I used to fail so much at recognising all this and actually use all this. Use my potential.
My brain, in comparison to this unlock, used to be (and still is, when I am not wearing ear phones and looping music) scattered. That's the best way I can put it. Information was scattered. Far and few between. Scarce within my consciousness. No such thing as a stream of consciousness - only fragments of disconnected words, or a blank, blank, consciousness. Spaced out. My awareness scattered to the surrounding sounds which overstimulated my brain. My brain micro dosed with stress hormones through every moment. When does this brain have time for self-awareness, or for building consciousness, especially when this stressed and scattered environment is its only known normal?
Looking back, to find answers to my remorse, to find answers to why this happened, can be a lot of speculating.
Jobs said, you connect the dots looking back.
Its sad. This time. (Hopefully... in the future I can keep connecting the dots, coming from a place of joy.)
Number one reason any child fails or succeeds - parenting. Not how much money the home environment grew up with, not the neighbourhood he grew up in, not the resources he grew up with... its the parents, or some other adult guidance and role models for every crucial area of his life.
But, Elon Musk grew up with a pretty terrible home environment with an abusive dad.
His solace, was in books.
I don't know. I just know I ended up emulating my parents' mindset and poor thinking habits, for life, for work, for socially...
Oh, and I was heavily coddled. Kept in a very comfortable zone.
I wouldn't think Musk was in a comfort zone. He endured a lot of suffering and did so through activity - reading books.
I had a comfort zone and was passive - watching TV and playing games mindlessly.
Secondly, each autistic brain is different. Musk may not have suffered from sensory issues like I did, unaware of it. It is, after all, a very non-common problem. I didn't even know it was a thing until I learned about autism in the past ten days.
(Musk may have greater cognitive abilities and fewer of the 'side effects' of sensory overload.)
I can, only speculate.
For me, the two reasons for reaching this remorse,
Unconscious of my sensory issues
My remorse is of failing to use my youthful decade, from age 10 to 21, to build my mind's world.
With the way my mind works, it needs a lot of information sent in, in a manner in which I am actually learning it rather than passively browsing it. And if I had spent a decade doing this, it would be the foundation I crave to have.
Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and hundreds of thousands of other minds did this in their youth. They endlessly filled it with high quality information and used the power of their youthful brain, prior to its peaking of its information-processing speed, to build their mind's world. A crucial foundation, it seems, to be able to go forward and innovate, innovate, innovate, and move the human race forward.
I have remorse for the undeveloped foundation.
I mourn it, I rage for it.
And this will stay with me, for the rest of this decade. It is something I wish to correct for myself. It is something I wish to do for myself.
Ultimately, I wish to surrender to the Universe. What is meant to happen, will happen. I will reflect again at age 30. For now, its time to seriously put my head down and put in the work every waking minute I am blessed with. I have eight years in this decade to push myself forward, very, very, very, far ahead. I am determined, I am resilient, and I am focused.