The adventures of Louisa and Squared continue... :)
After I finished cleaning up the blood on the couch and carpet from Squared’s latest heart extraction, I made her drag my neighbor’s body on a plastic garbage bag over to his apartment. When we were through, I flopped backward onto the couch, exhausted. So much for my relaxing day watching shitty Hallmark Christmas movies…
Squared just stood there, looking at me, my leg dangling over the end of the couch.
“What?” I asked, irritated.
“I don’t know freaking what to do.” Squared looked at me innocently, her head cocked to the side.
“Uggghhh!” I said, exasperated. “Just sit down on the chair over there and watch the freaking movie!”
“Freaking okay.” Squared did as she was told.
“You know, you don’t have to say freaking in every sentence.”
“But you freaking say freaking in every sentence.”
“I do not say freaking in every freaking sentence.”
“Yes, you freaking do.”
“You are freaking annoying, did you know that?”
“Yes, freaking really.” I turned up the volume on the shitty Hallmark movie.
Once the credits began to roll, I called my landlord and complained about the freaking (I really need to stop using that word!) low quality door that fell down into my apartment. I didn’t mention the fact that my evil Nazi clone “sister” had assisted greatly in its trip to the floor, since I didn’t have the money to pay for the damage myself on account of my evil Nazi clone “sister”killing my former employer and all.
“Want to go out for some pizza?” I asked Squared.
“Yes, freaking I am hungry.”
“You know, if you’re going to keep using the word freaking, at least put it in the right place of the sentence. You really need to work on your word order, there, toots.”
“What freaking does toots mean?”
“I don’t freaking know… just don’t worry about it. Worry about your freaking word order!”
I grabbed my coat, and we went outside. Squared didn’t seem cold in just my t-shirt and sweats. But she did look breathtakingly beautiful. How the freak does my super-sister manage to make sweats and a t-shirt look like the gown of venus? Life = not fair ^2.
We headed down the street to the local neighborhood pizza joint as I pulled the wallet out of my purse and counted my meager savings. $3.77. Yeah. That wasn’t going to buy us more than a slice. I was wishing for another slice of that yummy 1962 fruitcake right about now.
“Got any money, Squared?”
“Um, yeah. Still need some work on your freaking word placement, there, Squared. Anway, I think we’re going to have to share a slice, ‘cause I only have about $4.00.” Yeah, I rounded my net worth up by a quarter. I’m not proud of it.
Suddenly I heard some yelling and scuffling in the alley ahead.
“Did you hear that?” I asked my “sister.”
“Better on the word placement! Let’s check it out…”
We both jogged over to the entrance to the alley. There was a small middle-aged woman standing there, trembling in fear, offering her purse to a man with a gun, held sideways, but aimed at her head.
“Get him, Squared!” I said, issuing a command as one might to an attack dog.
She sprinted up to the mugger, inhumanly fast, and he whirled, training the gun on her and firing twice. The bullets ricocheted off her into the brick walls of the alley. An instant later, she was to him, snapping his wrist with one quick motion of her fingers and causing him to drop the gun to the ground.
As he screamed in pain, she fired the palm of her other hand upward into his nose, and he dropped to the ground, instantly dead, his nasal bones launched through the top of his skull.
I called out to the lady, who was staring at Squared wide-eyed in horror, still holding her purse shakily in front of her.
“Don’t worry, lady! You’ve just been saved by, um… Nazi Girl!” That didn’t sound like a great superheroine name, but I was thinking on my feet here.
While I mused about better potential superheroine names to give my villain-cum-hero sister, she swiped the lady’s purse from her trembling hands.
“Squared, what are you…? Wait, don’t do the heart thi….” I tried to tell her, but it was too late.
Squared stood there with the poor woman’s still-squirting heart in her hand. The woman stood there for a moment longer, looking at her own heart before she finally seemed to realize that she shouldn’t be standing anymore and rectified that little situation by thumping to the ground.
“Squared! Look at you! Fuck! I was about to get you started on the new and wonderful world of vigilante superhero justice, and you un-super-vigilantify yourself in, like, less than a second.”
Squared looked at me and shrugged.
“What is it with you and this freaking heart thing? Is getting a closer look at someone’s heart really that appealing? I mean, it’s pretty gross if you ask me. If you wanted another heart, why not take what’s-his-name’s over there…”
Before I could finish, she hauled up the mugger and drove her hand into his chest cavity to pull out his heart as well.
She looked at me and smiled, holding a heart in each hand this time.
“Um, yeah.” I said in disbelief. “That just freaking happened.”
I walked over and looked at the dead woman, then at the purse lying next to her. Well, I was a little broke, and, well, it wasn’t like the lady needed the cash any more…
Shut up! I’m not proud of it, but I needed the money, alright?
I took the cash out of her wallet and shoved it into the pocket of my jeans.
“Come on, Squared. Let’s go get some pizza and talk through these heart issues you’re having. If you’re going to be a proper superhero with endorsements and stuff, you’re going to have to rein that it a bit. I mean, you can use that move on supervillains, but that’s it! Got it?”
“Got freaking it.”
.”And don’t let the bad guys shoot you next time! You just ruined my favorite t-shirt.”
“You should be. Now let’s eat!”