Searching for my identity.
|I've posted on Facebook not so long ago a picture of my face. The caption said "I'm tired of happy pictures, so I am posting a picture of a sad boy." This was the first time I referred to myself as "boy". I just wanted to try it and see the reaction. My friend liked the picture and replied: "You cut your hair?" I liked it that he ignored me talking about myself as a "boy". I felt like he acceptes me no matter how I label myself. Similar thing happened, when I shared the song "I Like Boys" by Todrick Hall. I captioned it "Emmett is a boy who likes boys".
Lately, I've been having this struggle about my identity. I've been thinking a lot about Emmett and who he is. I kept wishing I could really be Emmett. That people would actually call me Emmett. I also kept wishing to live in a country where English is spoken as main language. The great thing about English is that you don't see the male/female referrence in most of the sentences.
I always looked like a boy. Now with my short hair I look even more like one. Just my body is a girl's body. My big breasts are bothering me. I want to get rid of them. My idea of myself is a slim, flat-chested boy with short haircut. My big belly is the first thing I want to get rid of. Then those two big bums with nipples on them. Actually, the order doesn't matter. I cannot imagine though how to change to Emmett from one day to another. One day you come to work as "Maria" and the next day as "Emmett". How would people react? Maybe there are some open minded folks in work, but I already feel like I don't belong there, this would be just pushing it to the edge.
When I said I am a boy who likes boys, I felt like this was the most accurate description of myself. I was wondering why I cannot find love and I came to the conclusion that I don't even know who I am. That means that I don't even know who I am looking for. I was always looking for what I was supposed to be looking for. My problem is that I am scared to be even thinking about these things. I don't have many friends. I am worried I'll lose even the little I have. My parents have problems accepting me already as I am without knowing Emmett. If they have problems accepting my fatness or my tattoes, they will never ever accept Emmett. Once I dated a black guy and my father didn't even want to look at his pictures because he diapproved of me dating a guy who is not "white". How on earth will he accept that his daughter is a boy? I'll be dead to him.
My parents raised me in a way that I should be a grey mouse. A person who fits into the general public and doesn't do anything outside of "normal" that would draw attention of neighbors. My brother has an Asian girlfriend. That is exactly what's not "normal" in the eyes of my parents. She was not allowed to enter "our" street. My father didn't want our neighbors to see that his son is dating a 20 years older woman with different skin from ours. My brother is already not a grey mouse. I am his only hope to be "normal" in this family. But I am not.
One person asked me while being drunk if I have identity crisis. The question was so insensitive. But he was drunk, so I understood that in that moment I couldn't expect proper conversation. He asked me this because of my website. On the landing page, the tagline reads: He lives in her, therefore she wrights. Also the about section talks about him and her. It is very confusing. Nobody has asked me this before. Granted, only few people know about Emmett. When he asked, I rejected it. I said, no I don't have a crisis. I am a girl and that's it. I even said, when you read my poetry, it's very heterosexual. He shut up then.
Afterwards, I became very sad. I broke down. I cried until my eyes were swollen and had no more tears. I started to have suicidal thoughts again. I realized that I can never come out about this. I can never tell my parents, friends, colleagues. Even if I make my peace with Emmett being a boy who likes boys, I cannot do anything about it. I feel weak as is. Coming out with this will weaken me even more, I will receive even more hate or un-love than I am receiving now. I've been bullied so much in my life. Now, I would be bullied even more.
But when I thought of living a boy's life, it made me happy. Maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to become the Emmett I am.