Broken Scars and Missed Opportunities
An Uncomfortable Letter To Myself
I'll get straight to the point. You're at an all-time low in your life. You've been like this for the past few years.
You've let time pass by without taking care of your broken scars.
Feeling flawed, empty and alone and out of touch with your feelings, it's hard to feel you belong anywhere. It's hard to know what you want, feel or need. It's hard to believe that it matters. It's hard to feel that you matter.
I think it's time to do something about those missed opportunities and allow yourself to heal. Stop internalizing. Being alone is frightening, unbearable, and is suffocating you.
Your Inner Child needs to know:
You were a lovely little girl. Your eyes bright, your smile large. I am sorry that they didn't know how to love you, validate you, and encourage you. I am sorry that they wanted you to fit into a box that was too small to hold your spirit. I am sorry that they made you feel bad for just being you, snap at you for breathing. They wanted you to extend their ideals, a reflection of their "so-called" perfection. They could not just hug you and love you for the expansive person who you are. They wanted to make you smaller, quieter, less intelligent, less strong, less brave.
I am sorry your mom was so inconsistent with her treatment of you. You could never depend on her having time or affection for you. That she did not protect you. She did not comfort you when you needed her the most. The physical abuse was not your fault. That she broke her bond with you every time I placed into another household. You never missed your family because they were not a source of support or comfort. The home was never safe. I am sorry for that. You deserved better. You will get better.
You are an amazing person. You are so very emphatic. Trust yourself to do the right thing. You are worth love and nice things and a nice house and a nice life. You deserve so much more than your family gave you. I am sorry that they not only didn't help you but often sabotaged you. I am sorry they tell you-you are wrong about things you remember and they do not. I am sorry that your family is not a safe, loving place that it should be. I am sorry you were short-changed with shallow, immature people that were so wrapped up in themselves that they had no time, energy or love to give you. I am sorry that you think you are only worth scraps of affection or time from people that claim to love you.
I saw you sitting in a dark corner.
With your knees hugging your chest, dust covering you like a second layer of skin, cobwebs becoming one with your fingertips. Insecurities, broken dreams, discarded hopes wrapped around her like armor. As if you've never seen the light of day. Never kissed the rays of the sun or sang along with the morning breeze or dance with the spring flowers or watched the leaves play at being chameleons every fall.
Afraid of the light. In the light, some people will be your judge, jury, and executioner before a sound passes by on her lips. Telling yourself daily.
You'd rather isolate herself in the icy corner where it's safer than be like all the others and set foot into the light just to be left feeling rejected and tormented. It's better this way, you said.
Listen carefully, feeling the pain is part of the healing.
Trust the process.
The only person who can save you is yourself. This isn't a fairy tale, this isn't a movie, Prince Charming will not swoop in and save your dark soul. Live for yourself, take care of yourself. You cannot give the key to your happiness to someone else. You cannot do that, you cannot put that responsibility and pressure on someone else. Only you can save yourself okay? Listen to your heart and listen to your gut. You need to take care of yourself. You need to stop putting harmful substances in your body,
Please stop hurting yourself
Live your life passionately, let it radiate from your soul. Make magic. You are a strong-willed, stubborn, beautiful and intelligent woman. Who is more than capable of taking care of you, than you
Stop procrastinating, finish your memoir. I know that you are afraid to relive the trauma.
Because of all the self-help books, Tony Robbins' speeches, and ice cream in the world,
Won't change erase the betrayal of a narcissistic mother. Like the common cold of the soul, you just have to accept it. Love and appreciate yourself. Continue to live outside your comfort zone, know that your potential is limitless.
You got this