Freaks of the mind and their pedestal on which to stand for your amusement. 2 bits/gander
|Someone once asked me if I'm a tease to some of the guys at my work. I simply replied that while I typically keep to myself, one time I did give a couple of them a gift bag of teas. (True story)
I used to drive a Toyota MR2. This piece of crap would often have throttle issues if the engine wasn't warmed up. One day, I drove home from school and got all the way up the stairs to my apartment before I realized I had forgotten that I needed to the grocery store. I went back down to my shitty MR2, aka Mr. Letdown, and made my way to the store. I pulled up to a stoplight, like a good little citizen, and waited for the light to change. After a million seconds, finally, it did so and I put the car in gear, proceeding to move forward. The car stalled and puttered, acting as if it weren't warmed up. Acting like a piece of crap is what it was. Of course, this is flustering for me. What the hell!?! As I'm futzing with the gear shifter and trying as many combinations of clutch/shift/throttle maneuvers as I can possibly come up with before the guy behind me starts honking, a huge, red diesel 4x4 truck speeds by in a flash (my guess is he was doing about 90mph), completely running his red light. (True story)
My husband and I often go on adventures to random places, start fires, and wreck up the place. We’re keen on camping in the mountains, riding ATVs through the desert, etc. One of our adventures landed us at a dry-lake bed, one that you’ve probably seen if you’ve ever watched MythBusters, (they’ve done a lot of experiments out at Cuddeback Lake in California). We were with a couple of friends and the plan was to start a fire and camp out, casual as ever, partying with some liquor and marijuana.
My husband will never understand the competitive ego of the Aries, which happens to be my astrological sign. He also has the weirdest ways of occupying his time. Recently, he had bought a combat style machete, the kind you would find at a sporting goods store or the AAFES shop on a military base. It was sharp as all hell.
We all sat around the fire, laughing and drinking, and smoking. We used random big rocks we found as chairs and made ourselves comfortable by scattering our provisions about such as the cooler, fire logs, and I think we even brought the charcoal grill. It was no surprise that my husband got bored, so eventually, he made up this game called “Pull the machete out of the log.” In this game, he uses his massive strength to throw the machete down towards the log so that it would lodge quite deep into the wood. The next step was to challenge someone to get it out of the log.
Heed my words, never challenge an Aries as they typically go to all extremes to win, and that’s me right down to the horns. I raised my hand, as if we were in a classroom setting, and got up to school everyone with my machete dislodging skills. With one swift kick, my foot connected with the handle of the blade and the machete went flying across the desert, earning myself awe for my brilliance and tactics.
So now I’m thinking “Yay, I win.” But my husband wasn’t satisfied with my victory and challenges me to do it again. This time my ego is a bit boosted because I already proved, once, that I’m a badass. I kicked the machete again, this time a bit more affected by the drugs and alcohol, and my foot connects with the machete, just as before, sending it soaring even further this time.
My fans cheered and raved about my awesomeness, as I stood there, standing tall and proud. Then, I felt a breeze go across my shoe, the closed-toe, faux leather boots that I’d been wearing. I remember thinking, how odd that I should feel this breeze while wearing some shoes that don't expose my feet. That’s when I looked down and saw that my big toe had been slashed open through my boot; it was cut so clean that it didn’t even bleed. (True Story)
I met Jay Leno at my work when he came through to use our proving ground to do some filming for his show "Jay's Garage." The only thing I got to say to him amidst all the commotion was "Hey, you were on The Simpsons!"
He said, "That's funny," and we took a photo together.
Now I tell people Jay Leno thinks I'm funny. (True Story)