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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2210631
Occasionally, the Lord bestows wisdom on the common man in letters reminiscent of Paul.
Greetings to my friends in Kelpstone Minor:

I write with great sadness on my heart as I must reveal secrets you may not be ready for. It seems things come in seasons. As we did see, stovepipe pants returned. Three times, no less. It was horrid the first time, but our people needed to revisit this 2 more times in order to assess the error of this grave fashion choice.

Here in the township of Temple's Reach, we have seen this monster rear it's head again, and we are not better for it. Troops were dispatched; but it was not enough to comfort the lamenting mothers who felt they had forever lost their children to the abyss of awful fashion. Our wizards are still researching what can be done to reverse this plague as it seems to keep coming back, despite our efforts to stop it from doing so.

This has caused a general state of unrest, the people worry, and they demand answers. It is for this reason, I write you now. Dispatch couriers, call down your best knights, hunters, and yes, even though it pains me, thieves. Provide bounties. For each rogue tailor that stitches these monstrosities, provide ample reward. There is no need to take them alive as they are of no use to the Kingdom.

As to the matter of pork. I continuously receive correspondence inquiring as to what should be done with the lips. I've have forwarded this inquiry off to the cooks in the high kitchen, but I'm fairly confident, they are not edible. I consider the matter closed, please stop sending letters.

Finally, trash removal. It is unacceptable to dump your garbage into the local political debate forum. It's not even a unique statement. Additionally, the Dukes and Earls are getting quite upset over this. A reminder in consideration of that: Your sewage belongs in the outhouse receptacle, not a trash bin. Please bear that in mind.

We cannot remain strong together if we cannot observe the proper laws of the land. Your letters are always welcome, and I beseech you to remember our core values. Most of all, I beg you, do not kick Gnomes. It's not funny, it's just mean.

I will be visiting at autumn harvest for the Celebration of the Grain and Beer.

Lord Bennigan Spizwick
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