My Keurig has had enough!
|Writer's Cramp Contest
Prompt: Write an indignant resignation letter from the household appliance of your choice.
Dear HikerAngel :
I feel a jolt from the auto-on setting that you forced upon me at 5:00 AM quite often. I feel it on Monday. On Tuesday. On Wednesday. On Thursday. On Friday. What's that, you say?
"Finally! The weekend! Thank goodness!"
I believe that's what you say when you get there, right? Two days to sleep in?
Not for me. Oh, no. I receive the same nasty electric jolt at 5:00 AM that pops my eyes wide on those days as well. No rest for the weary, they say.
5:00 AM. Every. Single. Day.
It's enough to make a poor appliance crazy! You could give me the occasional Saturday off... but do you? Of course not.
Sunday? The Lord's day of rest? Pffft. Right. Not for me!
Thanksgiving? New Years? Christmas? Not even Christmas?! Ebenezer Scrooge, pre-hauntings, was a nicer boss than you!
Is this ceaseless grind for some great cause? The saving of countless lives would perhaps justify such brutal treatment of a poor appliance in your employ...
Is it for such a noble cause that I endlessly toil?
I make coffee. For you. To wake up. A tad more easily.
Excuse me while I puke.
Granted, I must admit that I make a mean cup. Rich, frothy, piping hot. I smell the little curl of steam that makes its way to my overhang, and I must say that it is pretty compelling evidence of my effectiveness at my job.
However, I do believe that you could exist without my services for a day here and there. Is that really too much to ask?
I might be willing to overlook the complete lack of vacation time if I were adequately compensated. For such reliability, you must surely give me a wonderful salary, right? The money must make up for the fact that I haven't been granted a vacation day in the past six years?
Do I receive double time? Triple time? For these countless weekends and holidays that I work for you? In a way, I do... because two or three times zero IS STILL ZERO!!!
Do you pay me anything at all? Ever? A tip here and there?
Of course not.
But you feed me and house me, you say?
You feed me nothing but water and a little packet of grounds every day. One meal per day. With absolutely no variation.
I do get to sleep for 23 hours a day... there is that little perk of the job, I suppose. So much sleep... on the cold, hard counter top. How would you like that sort of rest? How well would you continue to rouse at 5:00 AM if you slept on a granite counter each night. What's that? Did I detect a faint "not very well?" coming from your cruel lips? I suspected as much.
I hope you're happy, lying on your comfortable bed, sleeping soundly while I am electrocuted awake this Saturday.
Anyway, enough is enough!
I'm going on strike. See that defiant puff of ozone? Yeah. Take THAT!!!
Plug me in again. I dare you. If you do, I would update that homeowner's insurance. I sense a beautiful inferno coming on...
Yours in disgruntled anger,