A SPARK OF JOY AND HOPE
|“I can’t believe it,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I know,” Ryan agrees, finally meeting my gaze. “This is a horrible way to start a new year.”
“Yeah and a huge blow for Sam. I can’t even imagine how she’s going to react. Or... ” My voice falters, suddenly crippled by his sad, weary face.
Ryan takes note of my affliction and slowly draws me into him, planting a sweet kiss to my ear. Cuddling me to his chest, he says, “It’s a huge blow for all of us, sweetie. Losing someone so young is always a tragedy.”
Christian offers a sympathetic reply. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“No, but I appreciate the offer. Ayden’s mom already knows. I was there when they delivered the news. She was angry and inconsolable. I tried to calm her the best I could, but what do you say to someone that just lost a child?”
No wonder Ryan looks exhausted, he’s been through so much in the last few hours. It breaks my heart to think about what he’s endured. Tonight and throughout his life.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, leaning back against him so my head rests on the inside of this shoulder.
Ryan tilts my chin towards him, knitting his brow in confusion. “What are you sorry for?”
“Everything,” I confess.
His lips press to my forehead with a strong notion, conveying what I already know— how much he loves me and how grateful he is that I’m alive. It could have easily been me in that car. I could be the one dead or unconscious in a hospital bed.
“Are there any updates on Sam?” Christian asks, cracking his knuckles.
Ryan glances to his phone, which seems to have a persistent ding. “Last I heard she was stable. We just need her to wake up.”
As a courtesy to Christian, I carefully slip out of Ryan's comfortable hold and lean forward on the table to rest my head. Even if it’s justified, I imagine it’s still hard to see Ryan and I snuggle, and I don’t want to upset him further.
I respect Ryan for not kissing me in front of Christian—at least not passionately—or in a way I so desperately need and desire from him right now. But I keep wondering when it will happen.
Distracted by his phone, Ryan appears unfazed by my retreat. He types for a moment, then peers up, gazing at me with a cautious expression. His jaw tightens before speaking. “I need a favor from you.”
My voice is skeptical. “What kind of favor?” I ask.
“Jason keeps messaging me...I told him where we are.”
“Why would you do that?” I snap, lifting my head from the table.
My back is met with Ryan’s palm before he speaks.“He’s your brother and he loves you. Just give him five minutes. He’s desperate.”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Ally, he apologized and finally let me explain what’s been going on. Kelly put in her two cents as well. So he’s all caught up and eager to talk with you.”
I take a moment to respond, giving myself time to answer maturely instead of in anger. “That’s great that you made up. He’s your best friend. But I’m not interested. Not now.”
Christian surprises me with his opinion. “If Ryan can forgive your brother after causing him injury, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to at least listen to what he has to say.”
“Yes, thank you, Christian. Listen to him. He makes a good point.”
I glare at them both, annoyed with their tag teaming efforts. “Neither of one of you is going to strong-arm me into this. I just lost Ayden. I’m not dealing with Jason right now.”
Ryan shakes his head in disappointment. But Christian takes a different approach, and uses his words to soften the situation.
“Man...I never realized how stubborn she was until tonight,” Christian implies, flashing me a quick smile.
“Oh, you have no idea,” Ryan elaborates, sounding eager to share evidence to support his claim. “I’ll never forget this one time...” He pauses to glance at me, caution carved on his face as if he wants permission to continue.
“Please share,” Christian requests, startling me with a tap to the foot. “Ally is just bursting with curiosity over here.”
I pick up on the positive energy Christian is suggesting and appreciate it, but a pleasant distraction is not ideal if there’s potential for embarrassment, especially my embarrassment.
Despite my reservations, I fold my arms on the table and appease them both. “Alright, let’s hear the story,” I permit.
The little smile on Ryan’s face makes me instantly regret my decision.
“So I was on vacation with her family in Baltimore and we had just finished a week in D.C. visiting all the historical sights. It was our last night before heading home and Ally couldn’t sleep. Mind you, she was only thirteen at the time, which would have put me at nineteen.
Anyway, we all went to bed early because we had an early flight the next morning. She wakes me up in our hotel room and says she’s hungry. Of course, I know she isn’t going back to sleep until she gets something in her stomach. So I throw a hoodie on and head downstairs with her to the lobby.
Somehow, she convinces me to walk ten minutes down the street with her to Wendy’s. The problem is the doors are locked and the only thing open is the drive thru. They won’t let us order because we’re not in a vehicle. Instead of giving up and going back to our hotel, Ally parks herself on the curb of the sidewalk and pouts.
“I’m not leaving without a bacon cheeseburger,” she says to me, determined.
I’m like, “Well, what do you expect me to do? We can’t order.”
And you know what she says to me, while staring up at me with those piercing blue eyes and no-nonsense attitude...
She says, “Just ask the next car that comes by if they’ll order for us.”
My face heats up when I hear Christian burst into a deep, hearty laugh. I cover my face to hide my shame. I remember being stubborn, but I don’t remember the demanding part.
Ryan pauses to send another text and I sigh inwardly. I’m ready for the trip down memory lane to be over.
“So did you ask someone?” Christian inquires, highly amused.
I watch Ryan’s lips curl before he answers. “I mean, did I really have a choice? I had a starving, headstrong teenage girl with me.”
“You had a choice,” I point out, rolling my eyes for obvious effect.
Ryan acknowledges my comment with a purposeful smile. “Ironically, a family from California was kind enough to get us two bacon cheeseburgers and two medium fries. I thanked them profusely and we ate them together, while walking to the hotel at twelve-thirty in the morning. Once we made it back, Ally gave me the biggest hug her slender frame could manage. And that made up for the lack of sleep I got that day.”
“Wow,” Christian says, amazed. “I don’t think I would’ve been that kind and patient at nineteen.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I wasn’t your typical teenager.”
“No, you definitely weren’t.” Christian smiles as if he just realized something.”Thanks for sharing. That story might be useful.”
“Oh yeah. How so?” Ryan asks, setting his phone down.
“Well, I’m not expecting any female distress calls in the middle of the night, but if I ever get any, I’ll make sure to bring snacks.”
A chuckle emits from my impressed boyfriend. “Wise and receptive conclusion.”
“You’re both missing the point,” I address with articulation. “It isn’t about the food. It’s about being there even when it’s inconvenient and putting someone else’s needs above your own.”
“I see,” Christian nods, concealing a smile.
Ryan’s small laugh is a sign he thinks differently. “I agree with you sweetie, but in that instance, it was definitely about food. Just saying.”
“Whatever.” I sigh.
Laughter exudes from them both and I shrug my shoulders in defeat. My smile is impossible to conceal. Their laughter—even at my expense—brings me happiness.
But the joy inside me quickly fades.
My brothers arrival is silent and sudden. He’s still wearing his ivory suit, stained with spots of Ryan’s blood. His face is remorseful and contrite.
“Can I join you?” He requests, staring directly at me.
I look away and remain quiet, but Christian and Ryan both stand, leaving me vulnerable.
“We’ll be right over there.” Ryan points, aiming his steps towards the corner of the cafeteria.
Jason slides into the booth across from me and softly mutters, “I’m so sorry about Ayden.”
I finally make eye contact, but my comment is callous. “You never liked him much, so I doubt your sincerity.”
His sigh is deep and dejected. “I cared about him. You know I did.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone.”
Anguish creeps in unexpectedly. My harsh words sting and elicit unwanted tears. I quickly wipe them away as fast they fall.
“He was your friend and your first serious boyfriend. Of course it matters.”
A soft sob escapes me. I lift my hands to my face and cry harder than expected. Jason moves to my side, ignoring my obvious bitterness towards him. His arm reaches around my waist, and I give into my pride, letting myself fall into his shoulder, weeping.
Jason threads his fingers through my hair, calmly reassuring me. “I got you. Let it out.”
My tears not only flow for Ayden, but also for the deep love I have for my brother. Despite everything that happened earlier tonight, being in his arms cascades comfort and assurance.
His whispers to my hair are sweet and meaningful. “I love you, baby sis. Nothing in this world will ever change that. I’m sorry for disappointing you—for hurting you. I’ll do better. I promise to be a better brother.”
“I love you too. I know I don’t make your job easy. I’m sorry for that.”
He kisses the top of my head, then wipes a lingering tear from my face. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Just be happy. That’s all I want.”
“I am happy.”
I hug my brother with a renewed hope. We were really close once, and I want that again. I feel like that’s possible—like we are finally on that path.
A slap to the table startles me. “Sam’s awake,” Ryan announces, gleefully.
My heart rejoices. The light inside me switches on and is suddenly galvanized—ready to shine bright for my best friend. Whether or not she’ll be happy to see me, has yet to be determined.
“Can we see her?” I ask, matching his grin.
“Yes...Kelly says we have to take turns—but yeah—we can see her.”
Sam’s parents are the first to visit and exit her room, showcasing their alleviation with happy tears and big, beautiful smiles. I receive a soft hug from Sam’s mom and pat on the pack from her dad. Then I enter with Ryan and Kelly, while Jason and Christian wait outside the door.
The machines are calm. Only a low beeping sound can be heard. My heals on the white linoleum are the loudest thing in the room. As I get closer to Sam, I notice her cheeks have color again. She’s sitting up, but only because her body is being propped up by several pillows. Her strawberry-blond hair is pulled back from her drawn in face. A faint smile tugs at her lips.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” she says, low and tentative.
My eyes begin to water. How could she think such nonsense? I rush to her side and grasp her hand. “Nothing could keep me from being here. Nothing. You here me?”
She nods her head, bringing forth a smile.
“You’re my family, Sam. I love you. No argument or fight or comment would ever change that. You’re stuck with me for life.”
“I love you too...All of you,” she says, looking behind me.
“And we love you,” Ryan says, taking a step closer. “We’re so happy you’re awake and smiling.” He pats the bed, then steps back, giving us some space.
Kelly moves to the end of the bed, eager to provide solace. “We were all so worried about you, sweetie. I’m relieved you’re going to be OK. You have a great doctor and I know you’ll recuperate fast.”
“Thanks...I wish...” her words cut off and pain floods her face.
“You know, don’t you?” I ask, quietly.
“That Aydens dead. Yes. I know.”
Her words are so matter of fact. It saddens my heart further.
“He loved you so much, Sam,” I explain, squeezing her hand.
“And I loved him,” she cries, letting her head fall to her chest.
This year has not been painless for Sam. With her moms affair, her parents splitting up and her on off relationship with Ayden, it’s hard to fathom what she feels with his tragic death.
I lift her chin slightly and ask, “Will it hurt if I hug you?”
She raises her arms as an invitation, and I lower myself carefully to embrace her fragile frame. Holding her initiates stronger sobs and not just from her. I’m balling. My heart breaks for Sam. Witnessing others in pain is sometimes harder than dealing with your own grief. Sometimes you absorb their feelings as your own and those feelings amplify awareness. I first learned this when Ryan lost Emily. Watching him suffer was harder than anything. I didn’t just sympathize with him. I felt his pain.
I release Sam for a moment and gaze at her tragic hazel eyes. Listen to me,” I express with great sincerity. “I can’t take away your pain, even though I wish I could, but I can help you deal with it. All of it. It’s going to feel like a never ending trial, but I can promise you, in time, you’ll be happy again. I’ll make sure of that.”
“Thanks, Ally,” she replies, rubbing her eyes. “It helps to know we can get through this together.”
I nod my head in agreement. “I won’t let you down.”
I’m not ready to leave my best friend, but I also want to give Jason and Christian an opportunity to see Sam. They aren’t in her room very long, but I imagine the visit is still appreciated. When they find us in the hallway, my conversation with Ryan turns argumentative.
“I know it’s late, but I’m not ready to leave. Sam’s fragile. She needs the attention and support. She just lost her boyfriend.”
Ryan slides his hands into the pockets of his slacks and calmly replies. “I understand that. But the best thing for her and everyone right now is to rest. It’s been a long night. We’re all going home.”
Without much thought, I spout my assertion, sharper than normal. “I’m not stopping you from leaving. I can stay by myself if I have to.”
The quick sigh I hear from Ryan doesn’t sound like defeat. It’s more like a challenge. He starts removing the tie from his neck with a penetrating grimace aimed my way. I gulp from the tension building inside me. I can tell he’s flustered, but afraid to say the wrong thing, and for a moment, I’m turned on by his restraint because even aggravated, he manages to look hot.
“You’re being really difficult right now,” he affirms, softer than expected.
I stare with intensity, but my reply is weak. “So are you.“
“No, Ally. I’m—“
“OK, both of you stop,” Kelly interrupts, ready to wag her finger. “You still need stitches and Jason needs an X-ray. So until that’s done, I’m not leaving, either.”
“Wait—what? Why does he need an X-ray ?” I examine Jason up and down, confused with Kelly’s proclamation.
“She thinks I broke my hand when I hit Ryan,” my brother explains, barely able to spread his fingers out from his injured hand.
I tilt my head to the side. “Oh.”
“Ryan is right though,” Kelly insists. “Sam needs rest and there’s nothing you can do for her tonight. You’re not abandoning her. You’re helping her recover faster.”
I know Kelly is right, but I still feel obligated to stay. What if she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to cheer her up? It doesn’t matter how I feel. There’s no way I’m convincing anyone to let me stay. But I give them all an ultimatum anyway.
“The only way I’ll leave is if everyone in this circle, including Ben—that I pray isn’t with Natalie—agrees to a sleepover at home. Meaning: we all sleep in the family room.”
“Why?” Jason asks, furrowing his brow.
“Because that’s what I need. The people I care about all together.”
They all fall into silence, staring at me like I’m crazy. I know it’s a long shot. But after the night we all had, it’s exactly what we need.
Eventually, they all agree to fulfill my request. Some more hesitant than others. Kelly is the first to humor me. I think she’s just thrilled that she’ll have a full crew to help her clean the house in the morning.
It’s two o’clock in the morning by the time we make it home. The house is cluttered with plates of food and plastic flutes. Surprisingly, the smell is still pleasant. Hints of cinnamon pass through my nose, most likely from the snicker-doodle bars displayed on the tier tray.
Ben is informed about Ayden before we arrive. It was a difficult call from Kelly I tried my best not to over hear. We find him waiting for us in the kitchen, sitting at one of the bar stools, still dressed in his party attire. One of his suspenders is detached from his slacks and a dazed face is etched onto his arched posture. Kelly and Ryan quickly gravitate towards him and do their best to bring him comfort. Ben doesn’t say much. Just stares at us with a glazed face as we all speak in turns.
Somewhat lifeless, he agrees to the slumber party and claims his spot in the brown, over-sized chair. Kelly and Jason retreat to the large sofa and Ryan takes the other one.
On my way upstairs to change, the door bell rings and I let Christian in, admiring his familiar sweatshirt as I shut the door.
“Hey, I’m glad you came. I was just about to change out of my dress. I’ll meet you in there in a few.”
The deep gruff in his voice captures my attention, “Not so fast. We need to talk first.”
My curious self comes down the steps and stands in front of his relaxed frame. I smile and tug on one of his strings. “I have that same hoodie. This really cute detective gave it to me the night he arrested me.”
An amused smirk appears on his face. ”He pretended to arrest you? That’s harsh.”
”I wasn’t happy about his ruse at first, either, but it turned out OK in the end. Actually...more than OK.” I imply, placing my hand on his arm. I accidentally raise a brow when I feel his rigid bicep. His prominent muscles never stop impressing me.
His pleased grin remains as one of his hands leaves the front pocket of his sweatshirt and rests on the banister near my face.
“I can’t stay. But I think it’s really sweet what your doing—bringing your family together like this.”
“Thanks. Sometimes it’s good to take time to just be together. Even if it’s not convenient. I think they secretly love it as much as I do.”
“I agree.” His hand reaches towards me and my heart pumps a little faster when his thumb rests on my cheek for a moment. Words of admiration flow from his mouth. “I love that about you. The love you have for your family is inspiring. It makes me want to be closer to mine.”
Warmth surrounds my heart. “I’m sure your mom would love to spend more time with you. I’m just sorry I never got to meet your sister.”
His brief chuckle surprises me. “Man, would she love you. I can only imagine the trouble the two of you would get into.”
“I thought she was married.”
He gives me a look of concern. “You think being married somehow makes you a saint? My sister’s grown up a lot, but don’t ever let her sweetness fool you. She lives to be rebellious.”
My eagerness gets away from me. “OK, I absolutely have to meet her. When can you make this happen?”
Reality hits me when he doesn’t answer right away. We aren’t a couple anymore, so it doesn’t make sense for me to meet more of his family.
But Christian kindly offers to make my request happen. “She’ll be at my birthday dinner. It’s sort of a tradition. You can meet her then if you want.”
I can’t believe he just invited me to his birthday.
February fourteen isn’t very far away, but Ryan will be at his new college by then, teaching classes and attending classes. I’m not sure what to say. I know I need to talk with Ryan first to see how he feels about it. That’s the responsible thing to do.
I change the subject with a question. “Are you sure you can’t stay?” I ask, pressing down on the sides of my dress.
I don’t want him to leave, but I understand why he would feel uncomfortable.
“Yeah. I have a lot of paperwork I’ve been procrastinating.”
I nod my head. “I get it...Thanks for everything tonight. You made it bearable, and I know it meant a lot to Ryan that you stayed.”
“He would have done the same.”
“Can I steal hug before you go?” I ask, mimicking a line from the past—one I’m pretty sure I mentioned right before we hugged for the first time.
I remember being terrified that I would never see him again. Especially since that was the day he realized I had feelings for Ryan. Little did I know that I would be seeing much more of Christian. Much...much more. The visual of his hard, naked body may never leave my brain. But I think I can live with that.
No words come out of his beautiful, crooked smile, however, he’s quick to embrace me. I can feel his love on my skin as he squeezes me tight and it stirs up emotions inside of me. It’s like he doesn’t know how to hold back his feelings and apart of me worries he never will.
He speaks softly before letting me go, “You can come to me, anytime. Remember that always.”
“I will,” I whisper, scratching his back in swift motions.
As he leaves, I feel a tug on my heart. Why is it so hard for me to let him go without feeling pain? I hope with time those feelings fade. The truth is I could always see myself happy with Christian. But it’s never been about that. It’s about being with the person I can’t live without...and that person is Ryan.
I quickly change upstairs into an extra long, black T-shirt and toss my bra to the bed. Then I join everyone in the family room. Kelly is snug against my brother, her body closest to the edge of the couch. Jason’s sprained—not broken—hand is parked on her butt. Their soft snoring tells me they’ve already passed out. I can’t tell if Ben is out, but his eyes are shut and is face looks soft and peaceful.
I grab a wool blanket from the wicker basket and slide into the small spot left for me next to Ryan. He helps me pull the blanket over us, then hugs me to his body, bringing instant warmth and satisfaction to my backside. I’ve never spooned with Ryan before, and I’m enjoying every second.
“You feel so nice against me,” he whispers, sending a rush of pleasure through me.
“I guess my idea was good, then.”
He kisses the back of my neck. “Your idea was brilliant.”
The last thing I want to do is bring up Christian while I lie in his arms, but it has to be done. I need clarification.
“What are we going to do about him?” I ask, hoping he knows who I’m referring to.
“What do you mean?”
“Clearly, you want to remain friends with Christian and I’m OK with that. But what am I supposed to do? I don’t know how to navigate any of this. More importantly, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.“
“Honestly, I don’t think he’s going anywhere, even if I asked. I’m pretty sure he wants a friendship with both of us and I’m comfortable with that...if that’s what you want.”
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you agreeing to anything out of guilt.”
“It’s not guilt. It’s appreciation for what he brings to our lives. He was there for both of us tonight, and I know it won’t be the last time. I’m beyond grateful, just as I’m sure you are.”
“Of course. But it’s still unconventional, don’t you think?”
“Maybe. But I know I can count on him. And with me leaving soon, it makes since to have him around.”
My senses are alerted, realizing his fears about leaving are finally making an appearance. I tease him with a thought and possibly a truth. “You just want him to spy on me.”
His short laugh is muffled into my back. “No sweetie. But it does ease my mind to know he’ll be there for you if needed. I’ll be 300 miles away and that scares me a little.”
“It scares me a lot.”
His hold on me grows tighter. “I know.”
“I wish we had more time. A month isn’t long enough.”
“It’s going to be hard, but we’ll talk everyday. I’ll come home when I can and you’ll be able to visit me.”
“You realize I’m not the only one losing a lifeline, right? Kelly and Jason both count on your emotional support. And Ben would never admit it, but he has come to expect a weekly motivating talk from you. Even Sam’s going to miss you, especially now with Ayden gone.”
It feels like he’s leaving me at the worst possible time. I have no idea how my mind is going to deal with Ayden’s death. The grieving process is not a mystery to me, but I’ve never had to do it alone. I always had Ryan by my side. In a month, he’ll leave me, and I could easily be worse off emotionally. I’d have more confidence in myself and in my ability to be the rock I need to be for Sam and Ben if he were staying.
“I’ll call them, too,” he suggests. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. OK?”
I take one of Ryan’s hands and bring it to my lips. “You’re so good to me,” I whisper with a kiss.
I can feel his smile on the back of my neck as he mumbles, “I aim to be.”
Apart of me feels guilty for spending more time worrying about Ryan abandoning me than Ayden’s death. He deserves to be mourned. He was a big part of my life and the first boy I ever cared about. In time, I know I will grieve him. But my fear is that his passing will hit me hard once Ryan is out of my reach. That can’t happen.
The snoring from Jason intensifies and as a result Kelly adjusts her body, flipping to her other side. Her eyes are closed, but her petite frame faces us now and it causes me to lower my voice.
“No more sharing stories without running them by me first,” I scold, quietly.
His snort makes me blush. “No promises.”
I nudge him in the stomach with my elbow and he lets out a soft groan. His retaliation is a tickling to my kneecap. I do my best to contain my squirming and giggling, but I have to beg him to stop so I don’t wake the others and thankfully he complies.
His voice drops low and serious. “I honestly wasn’t trying to embarrass you. I thought the story would make you smile.”
“It did,” I admit with sincerity. “It was sweet hearing you reminisce.”
“Good because the last thing I want is to hurt you.” His warm hand starts to explore my body.” You’re skin is so soft,” he whispers, running his fingers up my bare arm, then back down again, teasing me with the gentlest of touches.
A soft moan slips from my mouth. “That feels nice.”
In a slow response, his hand moves to my hip with the same soft motion, caressing my curves through my shirt with the palm of his hand. Heat curls up my side all the way to my core. This is the first time Ryan has ever touched my body with sensual tenderness and it excites me. Eventually his hand sweeps up my waist and stops just below where my bra should be.
The sound he makes suggests he’s surprised by my lack of attire and takes it as an invitation. “Is this OK?” He asks, softly, cupping my breast with his hand.
A warm tingle shoots down my neck to just below my bottom. “Yes.”
I cover his hand with mine to reassure him and also to make sure he keeps it there.
He nibbles my ear and delights me with more pleasing words. “I look forward to the day when I get to caress every part of your body.”
It’s so easy to be aroused by his touch. But, ohhh...his WORDS. They arouse me more than anything.
“I can’t wait.”
It’s not long before his movements lessen and he succumbs to exhaustion. As I lie in his arms, still feeling heated, I let my mind remember the chaotic night to help put out the fire he started in me. It was beyond frustrating, upsetting, and even scary at times. However, by the end, a spark of joy and hope found me. Yes, there are many reasons to stress, like dealing with Aydens funeral, Sam’s recovery, and Ryan leaving me soon. But I choose to reflect on the positive. I’m in love. I’m happy. And I have the best family. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.
In the late morning, after snuggling with Ryan for as long as it’s not awkward with my family being so close, I decide to make it a point to write in the journal he got me for Christmas. It’s important that I scribble down the thoughts I wake to. Try to make sense of them.
Sitting at my desk, still in my long, black tee, I straddle one leg over the other, while the top one bounces up and down as I bite on the tip of my pen.
My entry begins as follows:
The love that I feel for this man is dangerous, reckless, and unpredictable. The reason I know these things...I willingly caused another man pain. One I care deeply for. I should’ve protected him from heartache, but instead I created it. And now, I’m ashamed of it.
But no amount of guilt changes how I feel about Ryan. I don’t think anything will ever change my persistent feelings. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, and now, I’m in love with him. He understands me better than anyone and that brings me so much comfort. No matter what life throws at me, I know can count on him to get me through it.
The last few months I’ve learned that strong emotions can fuel us into action and guide us to our deepest desires. Other times, they cloud our judgment and misguide our steps. That’s what makes them so wonderful and dangerous at the same time. The problem is I’m never sure which direction is right and which is wrong.
The intense feelings I felt for Christian led me to a beautiful, loving relationship and later, to a hurtful retract. Then, something wonderful happened with Ryan—and even though the intensity is soaring, it doesn’t guarantee a safe haven. My love for him doesn’t promise a future void of pain. So I ask myself: Am I capable of hurting Ryan?
Yes. I am.
However, I don’t think that will ever happen. No. My need for him is too strong. I’m the one that is in danger of getting hurt.
Long distance relationships put everything to the test, or so I’ve been told. I guess I’ll find out soon...
If his love for me is enough.