When everything in life makes you feel empty.
|Its 2 a.m. and I'm trying to sleep, not being able to do so I looked out at the sky, the moonlight seeping through my room, so serene. Everything around me became bright yet it failed to light me up. Something inside me felt lonely, felt so dark, something inside me felt empty and that something wasn't inside me, it was me!
In this world full of possibilities and opportunities I still feel meaningless, aimless, worthless, useless, pointless, purposeless, motiveless, unimportant and insignificant. Every day just like the sun I put on a positive smile covering all my sadness underneath, just like the sun I was lonely yet shined so bright for the world. Every rainy day, I gave up my umbrella to shield all my loved ones so that I could walk in the rain, the raindrops mixed with my tears made me feel like it understood me more than my umbrella that shielded me from it. Every rainbow reminded me of the times when, after every storm comes a rainbow, but my rainbow, though colorful and vibrant to others, but to me, it showed lifeless and weak. Every night the world was twinkling like the stars but I was like the moon, radiant on the one side following everyone wherever they went so that they are never left alone, to listen to all their sad stories, but nobody knew about the dark side of the moon, nobody knew that the one who was listening, the one who was shining for others needed a ray of hope.
Why? Why can't I be like everyone else actually happy and cheerful and make the best of this life? Try to see the best of this life.
Even though I have a lovely family, a lot of friends, people who love me, I still feel empty. All my laughter and smiles for them though truly was genuine felt empty afterward. No one knows the real me, the broken me they only have seen the cheerful side of me, the happy me. Because I fear if I reveal true me, they will not like me, they will not be able to accept this distressing truth because I cannot accept my truth. I hide everything under my fake smile. When I was little I was afraid of the monsters under my bed but now I am afraid of the monsters underneath myself. I am afraid of myself, that one day my monsters will completely take over me, and I won't even be able to put on a smile that is real or even fake. I'm holding everything inside of me never opening up to anyone and my monsters are feeding on it, I'm afraid that my monsters will completely take over me, pulling me into their darkness and never be able to see that ray of hope, and just completely leaving me empty and hollow.
Everyone is born empty, it is we and other people in our life that make it meaningful. We never know how important we are in someone's life. Even a smile of ours can bring a spark of faith to someone who is fading inside. We all should know that life is not about being rich, well-known, and attractive or captivating the world, it is about being kind and humble to all no matter what. Be the eyes of the blind, ears for the deaf, the voice for the dumb, heart for the heartbroken and a prayer for the sinners.
In life nobody stays with you forever, nobody is permanent. I learned that no matter how much ever I care for someone, you cannot expect them to care for you too, how much ever you love someone you can never make them love you back just like the way you loved them too.
I sacrificed and cried a lot of time for the people I love just to be betrayed and heartbroken by them. I never regretted helping them only regretted in having high hopes, that maybe they will help me too. It is my own hopes that end up shattering me into a million pieces. I know how it feels like to be betrayed by a person. I have experienced it in many ways. I have been betrayed by friends and many of my family members and even by strangers. They hurt me and broke me in many ways to the point I started to have suicidal thoughts. These thoughts were internally damaging me, destroying me, I tried so hard to stop myself from thinking only to realize that the silence made my thoughts louder.
But I forgive all those people, who used me, hurt me for their own needs. Because it is when you forgive someone who hurt you, you are setting yourself free, but forgiving is not easy when you're still hurting. It was only then I realized that these people who broke me, were broken too. Everyone is damaged we just don't realize it because we are so consumed about ourselves that we forget about the people around us. When they were wrecked no one was there for them, no one to put their burden on, and no one to lend a hand out of their darkness. But I was, I was there for them to pull them out of their darkness, I listened to them at 2 a.m. when they had no one to talk it out. I consoled them, gave them advice, told them to get help, all the while carrying mine as well as their burden in my heart. And now they have recovered but not me.
Every time I help someone out from their emptiness it feels like I am the one who is getting emptier. But I don't regret it, I love helping people live longer happily even though it means that I have to die sad slowly. We all help someone because we think that they will return the help to us and so did I, but I was wrong. Everyone I helped never came back to me, never came back to see even if I am still alive if I'm still breathing. But I will never regret helping them. You know why? Because one day they will be broken again and I won't be there to help them, but they will remember what I said, and they will live because of what I said, they will not feel empty like I did, they will live because of me.
Even though I was never able to help myself, or come out of my emptiness, I will never have any regrets in my life. Because I was able to help at least someone from feeling empty, I was able to fill them with a ray of hope from my emptiness which still seems impossible to me, but I did it. I may not be able to live happily, but at least someone is living happily because of me.