|One thing I omitted to say before, simply because it confuses me and makes my heart beat too fast, was the self-harm and thoughts of madness, debilitating in its intensity. Months had past, and I was getting to know everything about this intoxicating girl… and because I loved her, needed her and was incessantly consumed by her, I took everything on-board and in my stride. I was no stranger to madness myself; I had lived my life on that precipice ever since I can remember. I had waited out of respect and terror before I asked her about the subtle scars that criss-crossed her porcelain skin. I would always ask the voice inside, why would she tarnish such soft skin? It sent me crazy to think why a work of art would want to destroy itself so wantonly. Once the courage had been plucked to discuss such issues, she again told me about her journey that had begun many more years before I had entered into her life… I listened broken hearted as she recanted those tales of bullying, isolation, abuse and self-hate that slipped again from her sweet, perfect lips. I looked into her big blue eyes as she relented and exposed her inner self possibly for the first time ever in her little life, it was a moment that seemed cathartic to both of us; I had never felt this kind of connection to another human before. I may have pulled her close as I sensed tears were to flow at such revelations and told her that all I wanted to do was run away with her and show her a life that would make all that gone and things would, and could be better. I may have been a fool, and possibly that is now true, but even with that knowledge how could I stand before a mirror knowing that I had left her in the gutter simply because it had become too real to deal with? Wouldn’t I be continuing the trend she was used to? Once again, I refused to conform to the norm and decided that I wanted to steer her from the dark world she wanted to inhabit, and I would try to show her how wonderful she was and could be, if she only she would just try and not give up so easily and somehow begin to believe in the value she held in abundance.
It was a time after I had gently slid one of her sublime little dresses off of her silken shoulders that my eyes alighted on red raw lines that again criss-crossed her skin. I made a decision in an instant, I needed to force my love upon her and made her promise that if she ever got into a mind that needed to deface, she would message me and I would talk her out of such silliness. She agreed and a pattern began that lasted almost to the end. If I had known the pressure that was to be laden upon my shoulders after committing to such a deal, would I have bailed? I throw that question back to you. Would you have bailed on someone who had taken your breath away every time you were just in their proximity? For me, I could never abandon, or even want to do such things.
It wasn’t long before I had to make good on our promise. Arriving one morning as I woke from another fretful sleep was a text that said “I feel like hurting myself”. Swiping, and connecting, I dropped called my usual 3 rings, and waited for her number to appear “What’s going on baby?” she told me that she was in bed and had thoughts of staying there all day and beyond, and she wanted to harm herself to take away the thoughts that plagued her mind. Scrabbling, I thought quickly on my feet “They are just silly thoughts baby, everything is cool… What are you doing right now?” The response made my heart sink to the bottom of the ocean in a puff of sand “Nothing, I just want to die…” Again, my feet needed to act “Why don’t you get your ass out of bed and make yourself a coffee, and have a smoke baby?” Through sobs that broke my heart, she explained that she was frightened of the kitchen with all the knives, and all the sharp things… If only I was there, would I have been able to change things? This question has plagued me ever since… and always will, but I have to be real with myself at the same time. There is no way I could have been there every minute of every day, it was an impossible task.
Over the next few weeks, these messages would arrive from the blue ever more frequent, and I always tried to convince her that I should get in my car and be there in a jiffy, but she always shot me down, and said “I’m fine, don’t bother” this was her go-to phrase, and I would want to tear my hair from the follicle. If she was fine, then why take the time and send messages saying that she would want to walk out into the sea, jump from the window and many other ending ways that are far too painful and scary to repeat here. As I said before, I was no stranger to my own thoughts over the years, but this was a world I now found myself in that was beyond my own control, and I had to step up and take charge over her. That may sound domineering, but if you have been lucky, and have never been subjected to such a world, you have no idea how it can make you become something, or do things and actions you never wanted or ever dreamed of.
If I awoke in the morning and my phone flashed neon blue, I knew it was declaring that I had a message likely to be from her and my adrenaline would spike. She was a night owl you see, and would only come alive then, so any message from her in the daytime would usually not bode well for both of us. I had risen many times to such messages and had managed to calm, and placate whatever demons lurked. It was exhausting, but I was invested and would never give up on her, how could I? She was my love, my drug and my partner in crime. However, on one such occasion my limits were tested. The message simply read “Kill Me!” Sleep had not even left my eyes as I re-read the message so many many times, it’s now imbedded. I dropped called as I always did, and waited… Nothing… I dropped again, still nothing. Terror gripped me, had she finally done it? Was she really gone from me and this world? I frantically typed “You need to call me right now!” I watched for the phones screen to illuminate, again nothing. My heart raced and paced around my home. I screamed at the phone “Fucking answer me!” and just as I was messaging her again, her number shone bright and her personal ringtone was music to me “You ok baby?” She was crying, and mumbling “What’s going on? Talk to me please!” Through snot and sobs, I learned she was spiralling beyond control and could not cope with her mind-set. I tried for the longest of times to get to the cause, but as always she reverted back to “I’m fine, don’t bother with me” I wanted to scratch and scream, but what good would that do, I had to maintain for both of our sakes.
This was something that nobody can be trained for, so you have to think and adapt, or simply decide to walk away, and let the chips fall. I was not, and could never be that person, so I came up with this ridiculous plan “Have you eaten? Have you had a coffee pretty girl?” The answer was an emphatic “No, what’s the point?” I had been here before, so was learning “You gotta eat baby, that’s the point! I know what, why don’t we have a race. Let’s see who can make the fastest cup of coffee? I bet you can!” It was at that point I learned that the sharp things in the kitchen were dominating her, and freezing her into submission and this time it was different “Enough! I’m heading to the kitchen, I’m gonna fill the kettle. Follow me baby” I think it took another 20 minutes of back and forth before she succumbed. To make sure I wasn’t just getting lip service, I listened as utensils tinged, and the sound of splashing water tinkled before I knew that she was coming out of her darkness. I then spent the next few hours making her giggle and smile. I finished the call and had to lie down in order to turn my brain off. As I stared at the ceiling, I asked myself, could I keep this up? Did I want to? My answer, without any doubt… I was in this for the long-haul, and I would never give up on her. I would have moments of despair, and sure, I would get frustrated like never before, but it was all about her and what she meant to me and everyone else who was lucky enough to have her in their world, in a nutshell, she was everything anyone could have asked for…
Chapter Two coming soon...