Chapter One of the Book
|My husband wrote this short book a long time ago. He never published it. Maybe you can help me get it ready for publication by helping me with spot any typos, suggest corrections, or anything else. Thanks.|
I am going to submit each section or chapter separately.
The biggest enemy you have during this period (besides the devil, and we can’t blame him for everything) is yourself. Your pride and anger will so cloud your judgment that no matter how clearly someone else explains things to you, you will only see what you want until you finally decide to really make the necessary changes. You will go to counseling, agree with much of what the counselor says, and then ignore his advice because it doesn't sound as though it will accomplish what you want to happen. You will tell yourself that you want what is really the best. But in truth, what you want right now is for him to suffer like you feel you are doing. So, anything the counselor says that does not line up with that will mostly go in one ear and out the other.
Instead of trusting your counselor and letting him, or her, be your guide through this troubling time, you will go around telling as many people as possible about your problems with your man. The purpose you will have for this (even if you don’t realize it), is that you want to get a cheering squad going. You want to find as many people as you can who will tell you that you are right and he is wrong. Is what I am saying bothering you? Yea, I know it is. But listen carefully (or in this case, pay careful attention to what you are about to read). The reason this bothers you is not that I may be wrong in your case. The reason is that you see yourself in this writing and it doesn’t feel good.
What is that you say? You’ve made enough mistakes and don’t need someone to remind you of them. It’s because you “forgot” the past mistakes that you doomed yourself to repeat them again and again.
What is that you say again? I don’t know you? Let’s see how I do.
You had a very difficult childhood. You were either molested sexually or physically abused or mistreated by someone you should have been able to trust. You either had no relationship with your father or there was something very wrong in the relationship. You felt lonely much of your youth. You felt like you had too much responsibility placed on your shoulders at too young of an age. You became attracted to boys earlier than other girls, but felt ashamed to admit it, even to yourself. You became sexually active at too early of an age or completely shut yourself off to it. You always felt that there was something wrong with you. Your body didn’t seem to be proportioned just right. Something was either too small or too large. You never felt pretty enough and that’s why you agreed to sex (because for a little while it felt as though someone actually liked you).
You had too many “boyfriends,” but for too short of time each. In other words, they did not stick around long. Usually, this was after they had sex with you. The “boyfriends” you picked seemed exciting at first but turned out to be nothing short of selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, jerks. When one dumped you (or in the rare instances when you dumped them), you turned around and found another one just like the last one. You probably got married to get away from all the fighting at home. The guy you married initially treated you like you were really important, and then he showed you what he really thought of you. He was a jerk from the get-go, but you wanted to get married and leave home so bad, you purposely ignored all the warning signs.
He started abusing you verbally shortly after marriage. At first, you told yourself that he was only doing it because you were doing wrong things. After that, he probably started hitting you (or at least threatening to do so). At this point he also started cursing at you and, if he hasn’t left at least once yet, he is already gone. With most of these types of men, this is the point they start having affairs. If you are like so many women. Even when you found out he was having an affair, you still did nothing about it because he lied to you about how he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. You knew he was lying, but hoped that maybe this time he meant it, and “forgave” him. And, he did it again.
He always blamed you for everything that went wrong. You even believed him at one time. You may still believe him.
Think about this. What is the difference between forgiveness, and stupidity? Well, forgiveness is when you make a conscious decision not to hold the specific offense against a person (for example, if you forgive your husband for the adultery, then you may not bring it up and throw it in his face ever again, but you still take action to keep him from victimizing you again in the same way.
Stupidity is when you “forget” what he did. If you don’t remember what he did then how can you protect yourself from what he did? Stupidity is when you keep letting him hurt you in the same way over and over.
Forgive, but never forget. Don’t bring it up anymore, but don’t let him get away with doing to you again! Sooner or later (hopefully sooner) you have to choose to bring change about in your life pattern.
At this point, he has either left you, or you have left him, or one of you is considering leaving. In most cases, people don’t look for help until they have decided that it is already too late anyway (making it harder to deal with the circumstances than it would have earlier if they had reached out for help). In most of the cases I have counseled, the man had already left the home, leaving the wife with the children and a load of bills.
If this is you, you are angry, hurt, depressed, bitter, frustrated and afraid. You probably feel that he should be punished severely (in a way that would really hurt) right? Emotionally you want people to automatically be on your side and decide that he is just a bad person and that you are the innocent victim.
Not you, you say? Notice how when someone may start to suggest that maybe you played a part in the breakup that you will immediately feel anger toward them. You may not admit it, or even be conscious of it, but it’s true. It’s part of the pattern, and you are right in the middle of that pattern.
Your first reaction will be to feel sorry for your self. You will have a pity party. Yes, you will try to invite others to your party (but they won't want to join in unless they are kind of weird). You will start to wonder how and why this has happened to you. You will forget all that you have done to participate in the breakup (or at least you’ll say that what you did was not as bad as what he did). After all, it was he who left, right? The ladies’ favorite statement is, “I know I wasn’t perfect either.” As if by saying that it explains everything she did.
You will either isolate yourself from everyone, out of embarrassment or seek out those other “husband-less” ladies in an effort to find someone who will gang up with you against that “dirty rat.” You will try to tell yourself that you really don't need him. You will try to be strong all by yourself. And none of this will work.
You see, you have tried, for so long, and so hard to place the responsibility for your happiness on him, and he can’t do it. He does not know-how. He is not happy himself. And, you can’t give away something you do not have. There is no person on this mud hole of a planet who can make you happy. That is something only God can do. And, you haven’t given the Lord a chance to even try. Jesus really does love you, you know. He loves you with all His heart. He wants real bad to satisfy you and make you a complete and healthy person. Let Him.