Chapter Three of the Book
|My husband wrote this short book a long time ago. He never published it. Maybe you can help me get it ready for publication by helping me with spot any typos, suggest corrections, or anything else. Thanks.
I am going to submit each section or chapter separately.
The three main principles the woman has to work with, concerning men during this time of crises are:
1.) Everything he says is a lie.
2.) A man will not change unless he has to. And,
3.) Only God can change a man.
It is in these three areas that the woman has the biggest problems concerning him. Somewhere along the line, you decided that you could somehow affect change on him, and fell into the trap that if you would just believe him and give him time, he would change. It didn’t work, did it?
Like it or not, men do not think the way women do. At least not naturally. They have to work hard at trying to understand enough, just to get to the point, that they don't get into trouble with their women every time they open their mouths. It doesn’t matter how clear you think it is. Anyway, who was it that sat down with him when he was young and taught him all this stuff you think he is supposed to know just because he is older? That’s right, nobody.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying that he is some kind of victim or that he is innocent just because he is a product of his past life. As an adult (like yourself), he is completely responsible for HIS actions and decisions. What I am saying, is that he cannot do what he does not know how to do.
I like using a little story to make my point. I always ask the lady to describe what makes a pig a pig. The usual answer is, “Pigs are dirty animals that like to roll around in the mud and eat slop.” “Good,” I’ll tell them. Then I’ll ask, “What if we take a pig, wash him done real good, comb his little pig hairs, put a tuxedo on him, and place him on the ground again. What will he do?” “He will run into the mud again,” they’ll say. “Why?” I’ll ask. “Because they are pigs!” will be the answer. “Would any of that surprise you,” I’ll ask. “No,” they’ll say. “Will you get angry at the pig for not staying clean, after you went through so much trouble,” I’ll ask. “No,” will be the answer, “The pig is just doing what is natural for a pig to do.”
With this in mind, I will change the story some. “What if we were walking along and saw a horse rolling around in the mud and eating slop,” I’ll ask. “Now that,” they’ll respond, “would be out of the ordinary. Horses are not supposed to act that way. It would be very unusual.” “But,” I’ll ask again, “you would not get confused because the pig is doing what all pigs do?” “No,” will be the usual response, “why would I get confused because a pig does what is expected.”
“Then why,” I‘ll ask a final question, “do you seem to be so confused and troubled when your husband acts the way that is natural to him.” It's not so much that he is supposed to act a specific way. The problem that affects you is that you can't make him act the way you want him to.
God wants to change your husband. He wants that man to be different than he has been. The problem is that God wants to change him for His purposes, not yours. This is the thing that scares women the most. That God may change her man, and end up losing him again, but this time to God. You can't beat God you know.
The biggest obstacle to for God in dealing with the men is most often the wife. I will illustrate this with a case scenario: Julio and Nancy (not their real names, I want to protect the guilty, heh, heh), are having serious problems. Julio is addicted to drugs, steals from his family, lies to his wife, and is generally not a good person. Nancy, who has been a housewife since her marriage to Julio, has been suffering through this situation and has finally decided that she wants it to change.
She comes to the counselor (probably her pastor), asks for help. He listens to, prays with, and gives her advice. The main thing he tells her is that God will start working in her relationship. For her to let God do whatever he has to. She agrees and leaves more hopeful than when she arrived. Within a week, Julio gets arrested and sent to jail for some tickets he owed. Nancy calls the counselor to ask for his help in getting Julio out of jail. The counselor recommends for her to leave him in jail. Reminds her that they don't have enough money to waste on things like that. And, that this will probably be one of those times that would be perfect for God to have his whole attention. Nancy thanks the pastor but secretly disagrees with him.
Three days later Nancy is back at the counselor’s office. She has a bruised face. She is crying because Julio had hit her and left the home. The counselor asks her how Julio could do that since he was in jail and was supposed to be there for some time. Nancy admits that she disagreed with the counselor’s advice about leaving Julio in jail, and went out and borrowed the money to release him. It took her two days to get the money. When she got him out, he was so mad with her because she took too long to get the money, that he hit her. He blamed her for his being there for those days, took what little money she had in her purse and left, leaving her with another debt. “So what do I do now?” she asks.
When babies are learning to walk, falling is just as important as the steps they take. Every time they fall, they hurt. When they hurt, they learn to try to avoid what caused the pain. Men are the same way, it is the mistakes that are to teach them that they must change. If the wife is there to be a mother to him every time he falls, the only thing he learns is that he doesn’t have to fix anything, he just has to leave all to the wife, she’ll do it.
One of the biggest mistakes you will probably make during this time period is that when you do get to talk with him, you will probably treat him “like the dog that he is.” You will probably take every opportunity to tell him how much you hate him. You will keep reminding him of how he hurt you and what kind of human being you think he is. All the time wishing you could just say, “ please come home.”
Believe it or not, there will come the time when he will want to come back. And, if all he ever hears from you is attack after attack, he will give up hope. And, when you finally reach that time (and it will happen), that you have changed your mind and want him back, he may have already lost all hope and doesn’t care anymore.
What you say, he already doesn’t care? Yes, I know it looks that way, but the truth is that all that’s happened to him so far is that he has been struck by a case of the stupids. He will recognize it someday. And, when he does, you will either be ready to work with him, no or not.
Do not be deceived. How you feel now is NOT the way you will feel later. Humans change, and so will you. Don’t paint yourself into a corner. Leave yourself a way out. You’ll be glad you did.
Take Lucy’s case. Her husband left her for another woman. Well, it was not that simple. After many years of fighting, arguing, put-downs from both sides, drugs, and a lot of other things, he had an affair and left.
Acknowledging that she was no saint (to say the least), Lucy came to see me about her situation. She proceeded to tell me everything he was doing wrong and how he was hurting her. She gave me all the “sordid” details of his affair (more than I really wanted to know).
She cried, both from anger and hurt. She waved her hands around. She squirmed in the chair. At times she looked vehement. At times she looked broken. How she was still holding herself together was amazing.
After hearing her story, I prayed with her. I slowly started teaching her what the real problem was, how she ended up in this mess. I explained how the pattern has had her in its grip for a long time. I advised her what to look for in her relationship with her husband. I told her exactly what he would be doing.