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Rated: 13+ · Prose · Comedy · #2216664
Old jokes repurposed for today's world

Just a Pimple

Dr. Ronnie, noted epidermatologist, was famous for his soothing treatment of chronically inflamed thin skin. So, he wasn't really surprised to be summoned to the oval office for a private consultation with The Drumpf.

The problem was obvious at first glance. His overweight, orange-faced patient had a grayish colored growth right in the center of his forehead.

"Oh my gosh, that is the weirdest blemish I ever saw," exclaimed the doctor. "It looks like an elephant - it even has a little trunk sticking out! How long has this been going on?"

"Well," the elephant spoke up. "Back in 2016 he was just a pimple on my ass . . ."

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Sun Shot

“Dad, Dad, we’ve got a great idea!” the boys shouted as they burst into the oval office.

“What, you’re changing your name?” asked The Drumpf sarcastically, keeping one eye on ‘Fox & Friends’.

“I like Eric . . , “ “And I like Don Jr . . , ” the boys said with a puzzled look.

“I meant your last name,” snorted The Drumpf. “Can’t you see you’re interrupting my important executive time? What do you want, anyway?”

“It’s the greatest idea ever, Dad,” repeated Don Jr. “Instead of another moon mission, let’s go to the sun! No one’s ever landed on the sun before. You’d be really famous if you sent a guy to the sun!”

“You idiots,” scoffed The Drumpf. “Even I know that you can’t land on the sun. You’d burn up in like two minutes!”

“No, Dad, we figured that out,” exclaimed Eric proudly. “You just have to land at night!”

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Why does The Drumpf wear condoms on his ears while conducting foreign affairs?
Because he doesn't want to get hearing aids!

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Thinking A Head

The Drumpf decided to take his boys out to a Habitat For Humanity building site. Hey, it seemed to work for that stupid peanut farmer! Maybe some of the good P.R. would rub off on them. And maybe The Drumpf could get in a round of golf while Eric & Don Jr. pounded nails.

It didn’t take long before they were flailing away with their hammers, but something didn’t look quite right. The boys would study each nail carefully and some would be nailed in while others would be tossed aside.

“Why are you wasting those nails?” scolded The Drumpf.

“Geez, Dad,” whined Don Jr. “A bunch of these nails have the head on the wrong end.”

“Yeah,” echoed Eric.

“You idiots!” raged The Drumpf. “Those are for the other side of the house!”

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Why did The Drumpf cross the road with a shovel?
To get some dirt on the other side!

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X Marks the Spot

The Drumpf decided to take the boys fishing, just like the little people. So they drove to the lake and rented a boat. They didn’t get any bites at the first spot, so they ‘upped anchor’ and tried another place. No luck, not even a nibble. They kept trying all day, moving from spot to spot without success. Finally, just at dusk, they hit the jackpot and landed several fish in the final few minutes of the day.

“Do we have to go, can we come back tomorrow?” pleaded Eric.

“Sure,” replied The Drumpf, “but how will we find this spot again?”

“Have you got a pen?” asked Don Jr.

“How about a crayon?” Eric replied.

“That’ll work” Don said, and he leaned over to mark a big X on the side of the boat.

“Now we’ll be able to follow the X and find this exact same spot!”

“Great idea Don!” exclaimed Eric.

“You idiots!” Scoffed The Drumpf. “What makes you think we’ll even get the same boat tomorrow?”

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How can you tell when The Drumpf is tweeting a lie?
Because his thumbs are moving!

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A Very Stable Genius

The Drumpf was on a small plane along with Pope Francis and an Eagle Scout. Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the airplane went into a dive. The pilot jumped up and exclaimed “Bad news! the plane is going down and we’ve only got three parachutes!” He quickly grabbed a chute and continued, “I’m a deplorable, so you’ll understand if I put myself first.” And he jumped out of the plane.

The Drumpf was impressed with the pilot’s principles and quickly stepped forward himself. “Look,” he said “I’m not only the leader of the free world, I’m a stable genius. I’m just too rich and too important to die.” And he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

Pope Francis smiled at the Eagle Scout and said “My son, I’m an old man near the end of a good life while yours still lies ahead. Take the last parachute and save yourself.”

“Not to worry” replied the Eagle Scout, “the stable genius just jumped with my backpack!”

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While social distancing, The Drumpf finally proved that he's a stable genius.
He finished a jigsaw puzzle in only seven days though the box said 2 to 4 years.

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Science Project

“Hey Dad,” Eric and Don Jr. called out as they burst into the oval office. The boys had penetrated the tight White House security, sneaking past the Secret Service, darting around a stumbling Pompeo, and easily evading the shambling Pence. “We need an idea for the Science Fair,” said Don Jr. “Yeah,” piped Eric.

“Science!” snorted The Drumpf dismissively. “Don’t waste your time with facts and stuff. Just go with your gut, boys. Jump to your conclusions and never back down! Seventy percent of statistics are just made up on the spot, believe me!”

“No, Dad,” pleaded Don Jr. “Uncle Fauci says we gotta do the scientific method to win a prize. We have to have experiments, measure a buncha stuff, and write everything down.” “Yeah,” piped Eric.

A rusty synapse sparked fitfully deep within The Drumpf’s tiny mind. The word ‘experiment’ dredged up a vague memory from his own Jr. High Biology class. “Why don’t you just cut up a frog or something?”

“Gee thanks Dad,” bubbled Don Jr. “Can you send the Secret Service guys out to catch us a frog?” “Yeah,” piped Eric.

“They just as well,” growled The Drumpf. “They can’t seem to keep you kids out of the White House! Now get lost, it’s almost time for Fox & Friends.”

Soon, the Secret Service agents were wiping their muddy shoes and the boys had their frog, fresh from the Potomac river.

Don Jr. set the frog down in front of Eric and pondered. “Now we have to measure something,” he mused out loud.

“Yeah,” piped Eric and clapped his hands in delight at having their very own frog to play with.

The startled frog jumped and Don Jr. smacked himself on the forehead. “Sure, that’s it! grab the tape measure Eric and see how far he jumped.”

Eric carefully measured the distance and exclaimed “Wow, Don, he jumped a mile! This must be the greatest jumping frog in the whole world!”

“No, no,” corrected Don Jr. “Don’t use Dad’s tape measure, use the one Uncle Fauci gave us.”

“Oh, okay,” Eric replied. “Then I guess it was only four feet.”

“Alright, we’re on our way,” said Don Jr. “Now we need to do the experiment again but change some variable thingy.”

“Didn't Dad say we should cut up the frog?” asked a puzzled Eric.

“Great idea, Eric!” Don Jr. exclaimed and grabbed their Very Important Science Journal to write: Frog with four legs jumps four feet. Then he cut off one of the frog’s legs and put it back down in front of Eric. “Make a noise again,” he instructed his brother.

“Boo!” shouted Eric and clapped his hands.

The startled frog jumped again, but not quite as far this time. Eric measured the second leap and Don Jr. wrote: Frog with three legs jumps three feet.

They repeated the experiment a third time and Don Jr. wrote: Frog with two legs jumps two feet.

The fourth time Don Jr. wrote: Frog with one leg jumps one foot.

On the fifth try, there was no jump. The frog just sat on the floor like a lump. It didn’t move at all, no matter how loud Eric yelled or how much he clapped his hands.

“Well, Eric, we’ve jumped to our conclusions, just like Dad said. And this is real science,” said Don Jr. solemnly as he wrote: A frog with no legs goes deaf!

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Don Jr. and Eric decided to drive up to the lodge to hunt some really big game.
They came to a fork in the road with a sign that said 'Lodge - bear left'
so they turned around and went home.

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How Many Drumpfs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?


One to shout ‘fake news’: “Reports of a failed bulb are just lamestream media attempts to damage my presidency!

One to deny responsibility: No one could have foreseen that a light bulb would burn out!

One to shift the blame: The previous administration handed me this mess. They should have changed the bulb!

One to go golfing: It’s a working vacation, believe me!

One to collude with Russia and turn the bulb: If they offer to help I’d do it again!

One to take the credit: This is a big win that only I could pull off, I know more about dim bulbs than anybody!

And one to make the boast: Not a lot of people know this, but I invented electricity!

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"I can't believe you joined the Trump administration.
It must have hurt when your spine was removed?"

"Well, it makes it a lot easier to bend over and kiss ass.
What really hurt was having half my brain removed!"

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