A short story of self discovery with God
God Stopped By
God stopped by today, and we had a conversation. I prepared tea and we sat near my bay window and had a heart to heart.
At first, he commended me on all the great accomplishments I have achieved.
God took a seat beside me, he took my hand in his and opened my
Slowly he began, "I don't approve of you not being happy inside." "I don't approve of you not being honest about how you truly feel when asked." He sighed and continued, "you then take all those emotions and carry the world upon your shoulders." "That's my job!" "That's not Christ like," he reprimanded gently. "I want you to be free to love, free too care, I want you to be happy!" "You're so busy following the rules, you aren't living." "You aren't showing others what living for Christ is really like." "You're not honest with yourself!" "You have surrounded yourself with the wrong people."
He reminded me that sin is sin, big or small. I had been sinful in my thoughts and moods.
I created the biggest sin of all, not addressing my fears, anger, and disappointments.
"Why didn't you come to me? he questioned, softly. I sat blanked in thought, astonished that he was calling me out. "I didn't know how!" I whined. "I figured that was the burden a Christian carried." "I felt it would be rude to say how I truly felt." I felt the rush of embarrassment cover my body. I felt naked sitting beside him as he held my hand gently.
"No!" God said, firmly.
"Holding in your emotions is a sin." he corrected me gently.
"Not being forthright with me and others is a big sin."
"I know you better than you do or ever will."
"I understand how to fix every little detail in your heart, even your life."
"You never sought me to help you in this matter."
"You have helped everyone but yourself."
"You are most important and it most disappointing, that you do not care for yourself too."
"Your frustration and abrupt demeanor are a symptom, to the pain that resides deep inside."
"Today we begin healing, one step at a time, one hurt at a time."
"I could take it all away, but I want you to learn, how too not allow this to happen."
"I want you learn to how to seek me for everything."
"I need you to understand how the enemy used this against you."
"Loving me and loving others is not a burden, nor should it feel like it."
"Being honest should be loving and freeing; if someone doesn't accept this, pray for them."
As God readied himself to leave my presence. He wrapped his arms around my soul.
I felt the first weight leave immediately. Over the next few weeks and months, we met daily.
Sometimes, the healing went smoothly, and other days, anger and rage ensued.
I thought to myself, "how deep does this pain go?"
God stopped by one night to reassure me, that healing wasn't always pleasant when we lie to ourselves.
It's painful and even earth shattering, to face our truth, that we are not perfect. He nudged me gently. "Healing takes time, my child," he said softly. That we are human and fake smiles are truly frowns on the inside.
Once again, he took my hand, this time he gave me his shoulder too. He opened my heart more and said, "Let it go, let it all go into me!"
Nowadays, I'm still figuring out this new way of living. I don't smile as much, but when I do it's genuine. When I speak to others, it's with intention and without charm and distortion.
I do my best not to insult, sometimes I'm not successful. I will say this, I was ready for our next visit. This time I was prepared with gratitude and love to give to Christ. He just listened and said," I'm proud of you."
"We still have more work to do," Christ said. I knew this and I humbly replied, "I'm ready God." With a smile he said, "See you tomorrow, same time."
"I love you and we will get through this together."
My soul lays naked as we work through the mess of emotions over the course of weeks and months. Now I look forward to our visits, the embarrassment is gone. I wasn't fake to anyone, but myself! I betrayed my very soul and spirit. I now realize this is my fault, and there's no need to cry over spilled milk. Who said growing up is easy?
God stopped by Today...