My first love
After Mario, I wasn't allowed to stay at home by myself. So when my parents went out of town, I had to stay with my aunt. Her home became my second home. I had just turned 15 and was still dealing with the PTSD from Mario. I tried to be as normal as possible because no one in my home town knew the trauma I had gone though. My mom wanted my life to go back as normal as possible. I never went to counseling and maybe I should have. I just knew how to hide it and at that moment it worked.
One weekend, my younger cousin got invited to a classmates birthday party at Pizza hut. We had spent almost all morning at basketball games so pizza sounded delicious. When you walk in, to the right there used to be an arcade room and to the left was the party area. We left her there and went into the bigger dining area. We ate our meal and walked back to the party room. It was time to sing happy birthday so I grabbed my cousin and sat her on my lap, right in front of the birthday girl. I looked up and there he was. The first thing I noticed was his eyes, his beautiful green eyes. The second thing I noticed was his height. He was so damn tall. I must have stared for a long time because he looked right at me. I smiled of course, what else was I supposed to do? We left right after that and he stayed on my mind the rest of the day. What was his name? Would I see him again? How old is he?
I would like to think it was coincidence, but my heart says is was fate. As I was laying on the couch the phone rang. My aunt answered and was in the living room handing me the phone. She gave me a concerned, worried look. I didn't know who it could have been. No one knew I was staying there. "Hey, this is Robert. I am Rebecca's older brother. You were at her birthday party earlier today." My heart damn near went out of my chest. Butterflies, it's always those damn butterflies. We talked for a long time. He was from Alpine, he remembered always seeing me with my grandma at her church. He didn't really notice me until the party. I was beyond excited. I had literally been thinking of him all afternoon and boom he calls. He asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I said yes but i had to ask my aunt first. She said to call my mom first. My mom was a little hesitant but agreed. I had to be back to my aunts by 10 so we decided to go to the early show. I was so nervous. I had never been on a real date before and i wanted it to go perfect. My aunt drove me to the movies and he was already there, just waiting.
Our movie theatre is the typical small town version. Only 2 movies show and the whole place is old. We chose to watch the movie Crossroads, you know the one with Britney Spears? Yea lame, but hey I was 15 and I loved her. Shit, I still love her and I'm 33. We held hands and laughed and made jokes throughout the movie. I didn't want the night to end. We walked out and still had time to kill. I asked if he just wanted to walk around town and talk some more. He agreed. We talked about everything! I was on cloud 9. We wound up in some random neighborhood, sitting on the sidewalk. I loved it, I loved being under the stars with him and then he asked me to dance. He was so tall my head rested right on his heart. I could hear it beating faster and faster. I laughed. Why was he so nervous? I knew right then and there, I was going to fall hard for him.
I made it home by 11. My aunt was asleep so I didn't get questioned. It was to late to call each other so I went straight to bed. I would be going back home tomorrow and he knew what number to call. The next morning my aunt asked how my date went. I smiled a lot as I talked to her about it and I guess she could sense my happiness. I got home and he called right away. This was a time before cell phones, well they were around but not everyone had one. We talked for hours and hours. I wanted to know every little thing about him, I just couldn't tell him all about me. It was kind of like an unspoken rule at home, just don't talk about it. He worked and I went to school so during the week our conversations were limited. I also had to be off of the phone by 8:30 so we made the most of it. Our high school was across the street from the local park. I would buy my lunch and meet him there. He had gotten into some legal trouble and wasn't allowed on campus anymore. He was still considered a senior but was, if I remember correctly, doing it as home school. I might be wrong. I just know he wasn't at school. I was officially on cloud 9 with him. I loved every minute i spent with him and every minute i got to talk to him. I was the happiest I+ had been in a long time.
I got sick with the flu. When I get the flu it knocks me out for a long time. I was out for a week. So that meant no lunch breaks. I called him to let him know and we talked until i fell asleep. That evening I was laying in my parents room, watching a movie with my younger brother when we heard a knock at the door. We didn't think anything of it until my dad came into the room. He looked a little upset and told me someone was at the door for me. I wrapped myself in a blanket and went to see who it was. I opened the door and there he was. He was holding a bear, a card, and some flowers. I smiled and gave him a hug. He told me he wanted me to know he was thinking about me while I was sick. I don't think I had been that happy in a long time.
I finally felt better by Valentines day. His mom asked my mom if I would be able to go to their house for dinner. My mom said yes. She even took me to Bealls to buy a new outfit. I got him a little bear and a card. He got me a bear and a card. I remember my card saying something about my butt. I wish I would have kept it all. After dinner we went outside and talked. He looked me in the eye and said, "I love you". For once I felt it, for once I knew that this is what love was supposed to be. I said it back and my heart exploded. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I was totally head over heels in love with him. So if I felt like this, what could go wrong?
The thought of him constantly consumed my mind. I planned our future. I saw our child, a boy with dark hair. I always new my first would be a boy. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Around this time I started hearing people talk shit about him being a narc. Several kids in my PE class started calling me a narc. I was guilty by association. I finally had enough and confronted them. It turns out the serious trouble he had gotten into had also caused him to lose his friends. They all stole some flags off of telephone poles and he was the one who was caught. He turned his friends in when the cops started threatening his dads job. I was shocked. I thought I knew everything about him. When I got home that day I called him. I flat out asked him and he confessed. He explained the whole situation. He didn't want to turn anyone in. He was going to take all the blame until the Sergeant went in and told him if he didn't give up his friends, his dad would be fired from his government job. He swore he had no choice. He regretted his decision and knew they wanted to beat his ass. I believed him and I made the decision to stick by him.
A few days later we were at the park and so were they. They kept calling us narcs and started being loud and obnoxious. I wanted to get out of there. They followed us around until I finally couldn't take it anymore. We left. I went back to school and he went back home. I was so mad at those idiots but I was also starting to learn what it would take to stay with someone you loved. It was never supposed to be easy, love is a hard lesson learned. To be in love is the ultimate conquest. I spent that night contemplating us. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but I knew living in Alpine, where he was hated, would never be okay. We met up for lunch that next day, as we walked back to campus he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. My mouth dropped and I cried. My heart was screaming yes but my mind was saying no. I asked him to get back up and that's when I told him, no. I walked away from him and went back to school. The rest of the day was such a blur. I didn't want to say no but I knew that wasn't the right time. We talked that evening and the proposal wasn't brought up. I hope he knew my love was there. It will always be there but we were way to young to jump into that. We kept our relationship going as best as you can when a marriage proposal is rejected. We went to prom and enjoyed our time together. One night he walked me home and dropped a bomb shell on me. Within a week he would be moving to Arizona to live with his aunt. I was shocked. He explained there was nothing in Alpine for him and he needed to get away so he could grow. I was in Alpine, so did that mean I was nothing? I cried myself to sleep. I wanted him to stay, I needed him to stay. Why would he leave me? Why would he just go on without me?
That whole week I spent as much time with him as I could. I hated the fact that he was leaving but what else could I do? The night before he left I watched him pack his whole life up. I was hurting but staying strong at the same time. I wanted to just run away with him. I didn't want him to leave. I cried as much as my heart let me cry. I went home that night with an empty feeling. I knew this wasn't going to last. I knew that once he was gone, our love would not survive. We talked all night, at least until I fell asleep. He promised to call as soon as he got there. He promised to stay in touch. He did for the most part. By the time summer rolled around I was ready to have my fun. I talked to him maybe once or twice a day. I could feel it being more of a casual conversation and not what it used to be. I would like to say it was him that was pulling away but as I start remembering this, it was me. He was no longer there physically. He was no longer there emotionally. I was starting to understand why I said no. My heart knew we wouldn't last.
He came back a couple of months later. I had already let go of my thoughts of a future with him. I felt rejected when he decided to leave me. I felt like I wasn't enough. I had let him go from my mind but not my heart. I was at a party with my new group of friends, which used to be his friends. We were drinking and low and behold he walks through the door. My heart sank. What the fuck was he doing here!/ I didn't even know he was back in town and I certainly didn't know they had all forgiven him. I drank, drank, and drank. I wanted to numb all the feelings and pain flooding back to me. My best friend knew I would be upset about it. I drank so damn much I ended up puking my guts out. He stayed with me the entire time. He watched over me and I acted like a bitch. I will always regret not telling him how I felt. I was still in love with him and seeing him there in person made me want to fall in love with him all over again. Seeing him in front of me made my heart scream out for him. I was supposed to be his forever and I let him go.
He left not to long after that. The last phone call I received from him was inviting me to a BBQ at his house. I lied and said I would try and go but I knew I wasn't going to show up. I was already seeing someone and I didn't want to put myself in that situation. He never told me why there was going to be a party. If he would have told me, I would have gone. He joined the Navy and that was his going away celebration. I found out later on he actually called to talk to me before he left for basic training. My mom answered the phone and thought he was out partying so she didn't let me talk to him. If she would have, I think things would have changed. I would have been his support, I would have stood by his side. I never stopped loving him and I never will. The first love is the hardest to let go. He isn't that person anymore. The guy I fell in love with no longer exists, only in my memory. I wish him well in his life. I hope he is at least happy. I hope he knows for a brief moment he showed me true happiness and for that I will always love him for.