by Lil Gidget
A poem and writing from deep within
I have never in my life got to be happy. I do not say that lightly. I got robbed of my child hood really young. I was molested by my step dad from 2 years old to 12. I made the mistake of writing it in my journal at school the next day, and OPP, showed up and took me away from everything I ever knew at school. They then called my mom and told her what had happened. of course she didn't believe me she was so busy getting her next drink and wanting him around to help with money that she chose him over her own kid. I use to blame my self and really believed I made a mistake, as everything I new then was gone. I was taken from my family my friends and my entire life that I knew. They put me in a foster home. I didn't fit in I ran away and kept running till I couldn't anymore. I ended up in the wrong crowds fast, Slipped in to drugs early boosted cars and even landed my self in juvie. I really never got a chance to know what real love was or is or supposed to be. I use to dream of what a real Christmas was a real birthday even a family dinner. All mine ever consisted of was people I did not know , broken promises and empty dreams. I use to feel left out and still now being an adult I feel the same way. Like I am always missing something and or I do not fit in or belong anywhere. I use to drown my sorrows and empty feeling in my writing but then I lost track of it. Used to keep journals and then just stopped. I use to sing about a lot of things and write poems and stopped all that as well. stopping resulted in me being depressed where I tried to take my own life. Not once but a few times. As well as I started to cut and feel outta place. I bounced from home from home. got my first potential adoption at 14 and was with them for a couple years. I signed my self out of care at 16. Another amazing choice for myself on a path to hell. I ended up with the first guy I ever ran into someone of my brothers friends. He took advantage and I ended up pregnant with his child. My brother controlled my every move. Made me move from the adoptive family and tell them I didn't want them anymore. I was so wanting to stay, my brother just wouldn't have it. together my brother and his friend lead me in crime and drugs and a controlling life that even jail couldn't be worse then. He wouldn't let me do anything for myself talk for myself or even be myself. wasn't allowed to cry or even have an opinion. I had a mouth but I was to be mute. They controlled my life. Every aspect every dream. I Had know say in anything I did or did not do. It lead to me being put in the hospital on more then one occasion. I was blind by what I thought love was, I was loyal and didn't want to leave nor disappoint my brother. My older brother my other twin was the one that rescued me from my brother steven. It didn't go over well but eventually things died down, when he realized that Dillon my older brother wouldn't let him control me anymore steven finally gave me a break and left me alone to live with my other brother. I didn't realize then that Dillons weakness was girls. a few short months after that he took his own life over a girl. he died in my arms as I was holding him and he said his final I love you, and for me to live my life and be happy not letting anyone else live my life for me. to be my self. truth is when he died so did I. I didn't die in person or in life but I died as an individual. I died in my heart and soul I went completely blank, where I was institutionalised cause I wouldn't talk nor look at anyone for months. I had electric shock therapy two full sessions before I was even able to somewhat have a conversation and be normal. I spent six months in Whitby psychiatric center for the mentally unstable. When they finally released me of course the only place they could put me was in my brother stevens care. so once again I was abused, controlled and did whatever he wanted when he wanted or was beaten and punished daily. he controlled who I slept with what I did , where I went when I went, what I ate when I ate if I ate. he was latterly in control of every aspect of my life. to him I was an object that was here to please males. I wasn't a person I wasn't important. and I've been living like that for years. still wanting my dreams and the life I see in my head. but starting to think and feel that is all it will ever be. a story and image a lost brain cell that still thinks I can have a real happy life. a family , real love . know the meaning of a real Christmas and really know and feel what love is . but not just get to feel it, see it have it and get to keep it. not because I want it, need it , or cause its there. but because I am a person and id like to feel as though I deserve this life. I moved out west joined the army to get away from my brother. I have been doing that for some time now. I like to think im a better person. but to be honest im just as fucked up as have always bee. I like to think I have met my soul mate and the love of my life. but I guess know one really knows for sure. or what that even is right. Id like to think ill be better and he will make it that way. id like to dream and really believe ill be with him the rest of my life. But as much as I want that I cant make that happen. nor can I predict what goes on in his head. or what he wants to do. or how he feels. I think I drive him nuts most days and the way I think and feel and moods change he will get board of. I am not a picnic I know this. that being said I feel as though I don't have much to offer anyone. I do not find my self good looking, or a catch I am just me. any Barbie type chick can take my place. and knowing this I guess has me on edge as ive had it happen over and over again. I know in my heart I believe he loves me and is here for me and here to stay. In my head it doesn't really allow me to trust anyone and my brain is so confused its got cobwebs from working over time with the over thinking shit that I tend to do daily. I think my biggest fear of loosing him is my self. the things I do over and over. the over thinking the bottling and the not being able to share how I feel or what's going on inside my head face to face. Although I face loosing him and in my life that is all I am used to doing. getting happy to loose it. So I have trained myself to never care about anything or love or feel anything, knowing ill loose it and I would save my self the misery of feeling like crap and being depressed. I wouldn't allow my self to feel nor care about anything. I shut my emotions off completely . It took him to find the inner me I trapped inside and let it out. showing me I can trust him and his judgment. to make me better. There is a saying two broken hearts can be mended together become one and grow together . I think we are those odd couple that meat broken and live a happy forever life together. that is exactly what I want with him. I just hope he is as strong as I am hoping. to fight threw anything we may go threw and know matter how difficult I become not to give up or walk away. not to allow me to push him away and no matter what I say out of anger or stress. not to take it to heart or allow my to make him leave, just never giving up and keeping us together to grow old and be happy forever. That being said I wrote this poem. let me know what ya think.
First Time Real Love
For the first time in my dismal life,
I feel love flow in my heart.
The same heart once thought cold and lifeless
Fills with glorious joy and happiness
Because of a man,
Whos spirt is full of passion
his hazel eyes that shine like sapphire stars
filled with warmth, and kindness
A smile that brings happiness to my sad existence.
I have never known love till now
Because of the way he touched my heart,
He took a hold of my depressed soul
And showed me the beauty of life's wonders
Everything that I thought impossible
All seems to be within my grasp
I see everything in a new light
Because of something I thought unworthy to feel
I'm yet to feel loves tender kiss
and ill bask in its beauty
So because of the feelings of a man
Whom i would love now and till
My heart beats its final note goodbye to life's greater song
My first time real love belongs to Ben Ruck...