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Rated: E · Other · Relationship · #2219107
out look on secrets in general
I bet you are looking at the title and your head is spinning already. wondering what I mean or where I am about to go with this. Truth be told, what exactly are secrets. ? Are they things hidden from someone. objects not shared with someone ? untold conversations or all of the above and more. ? I guess it depends how and what your talking about and who you are talking to. Everyone takes secrets a different way and sees secrets differently. I guess I have been battling with myself on a lot of things regarding secrets. I am not sure what I would call a secret per say. things hidden from one another would be one. hiding things you know if was found out , your partner would be mad about, would be two. Sneaking around would more then likely be one as well. that being said. Would it be a secret to be thinking about things and not wanting to discuss them ? would it be a secret to have your thoughts and feelings on a situation change and not say anything or bring it up, knowing what it is about and ur partner wanted something different. are those secrets ok ?. or what about pretending to be something your not or being ok with something you have doubts about. are those secrets ok to have.? what if they do not hurt anyone but your self. or they mite hurt someone coming out then are they ok to keep to your self. If not what kind of secret are ok to have if any ? I was hoping some of my readers would have some insight on what they find secrets. and what would be ok to keep to yourself or secrets that are best to shed light on and tell someone, or talk them out. I am constantly struggling with myself what to say what not to say. What to think, feel or keep inside. have any of you felt this way. if so what have you done to make it go away or better.? I do not want to loose my relationship beyond all fears I have that is by far my worst one ever. I am scared to loose him, scared to say the wrong things, scared to act out some days when im having a bad day, in fear of how he will take it or react. Hes easy to talk to but I still find it hard to just pull him aside and talk. truth is i bet you if he wasn't my bf and some guy ive never met id be able to talk to him just fine. bet we would be great friends even. so why is it only guys im with i cant seem to talk to. what is wrong with me exactly. This brings me back to secrets. I often keep things in side, knowing how I feel but say nothing. is that considered a secret. A lie or just me keeping to my self. when is it a line crossed.? when is it wrong or right to keep something inside to your self. is it ever ok when you are with someone ? that is another fear of mine. I wake up daily in fear of doing something or saying something that can cost me my happiness , i know that is know way to live but i cannot help it. ive never wanted anything more in my life then to make this work. its crazy i am crazy if not completely insane. been with him 3 weeks and i already want to be his wife. i have never wanted this with anyone. i ruined my best wedding i could have had marrying the wrong one for the right one to come around the corner a year later. why does life hate me so much , i had to waste my best perfect day and only get bits and pieces of it and all for the wrong one. I fear i ruined my perfect wedding that it might never happen. i fear i will loose the guy i want more then life itself. i fear when i die he might not be by myside. or that i would have done something to loose him before i died. My mind is always thinking over thinking if you will and just trapped in these horrific thoughts i cant shake. i love him to death but im a horrible gf , and would make even a worse wife. who really would want to marry me the way i am . broken damaged lost within in ones self. and emotionally fucked the way i am. i want the best for him because i really for once know what love is. sacrifice to make each other happy and build and grow together. to really see one another for what they are. but i cant help but think im being selfish keeping him. i know he loves me and wants to stay and i want him more then anything. but out of love i know he could be happier with someone else and that scares me even more as well. But he deserves really happiness, someone he can share his thoughts and life with that can connect back with him. unlike me that cant talk at all. i just feel i am selfish. i want him to be happy and its not that i don't think he is , just feel like he could be or would be happier and that is what bugs me most. that i cant be that person. or could be but years down the road. i just never feel as though i am good enough and living constantly thinking its making my head hurt, i cant even turn it off. I wish i could tell the difference between not talking keeping things to my self and what a secret would be within thinking standards. i often feel i am wrong all the time and its only a matter of time before i mess things up and completely crushed. I really do not know how to feel or think or act anymore, its leaving me edgy and drained and uncertain. why can i not just take one day as it is not think not feel just let him show me what he can and feel what he wants me to. let him open my eyes and mind and just let him in. i know the answer to this but i cant seem to figure out how to stop myself from shutting him out. I am terrified that once i completely open and he knows everything it would all be wasted that im going to loose him anyway, so why go through all the pain in bringing things up when it wont matter later. i know terrible way to think but it just is the way my mind works , and so far i have not been wrong. I do trust him. how much i do not know yet. i know he would save me from danger if he could. I know hes there for me or would be if i need him. but what happens if i do loose him would he still own me.? would he still be there for me or be like the rest and once your no longer his your nothing. i am so scared and in fear every waking moment of the day. i just wish for once i had control over my life and my thoughts as it seems i don't. any insight would be great. that is all i have for you at this time. thanks for reading.
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