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by Jes
Rated: 13+ · Non-fiction · Emotional · #2220010
just feelings and thoughts yk
I don't know what's up with me. I'm slowly losing confidence. I thought I was cute a while ago, but now... I'm not too sure. I pretend like I don't give a damn when someone jokes that I'm not attractive. Comparing me with someone obviously much more attractive than I am... of course I'd be dejected. She embodies the beauty I can only dream of. Beautiful hair. Small forehead. Bridge nose. Dark eyebrows. Full lips. Then you have me... the opposite of perfection. Freckles. Pale skin. Eyebrows you can barely see. Small lips. Weird ears. Widow's peak. A nose with a hump on it. Chubby cheeks. Weird face shape. And the lost goes on. I'm far from perfect, and I understand that. Doesn't mean I want to hear it every single day. Maybe once, just one time... I want to hear that I'm not unattractive. Maybe I don't want to be compared to another only to lose that battle. Why do appearances matter so much? Should I just hide? Stay in my bed all day with my phone in hand. 'Cause I know myself well. If I look at a mirror or any image of myself, I will compare. I am scared beyond myself. I can't control my thoughts. They're wandering roads not taken before. They're exploring my insecurities. No breaks. Just self judgment. Am I worthy? No. Filth, third grade trash; no one wants you. No one needs you. Maybe if I find a way to en- no. I know ending everything isn't the way to go. I'm not that far gone... yet. I'm on my way there though. I don't think my mind can handle self judgment. I've never really thought of beauty standards often, but not I can't see anything good about myself. Why, I ask in solitude. No answer running through my brain. Teenagers? Puberty? Life? Truth? What is it? Should I try to improve? Can I even improve? How does one change the face they're born with? Plastic surgery? Yes, but no. Grow old and alone? Maybe. Can I ever find someone that will not only truly like me, but also not care about my appearance? No. So many issues that I can't fix. Maybe I can bring up my confid- no... it'll get torn down again. If I could just rewind time and erase all I regret. If only I never showed anyone my face. If I kept it secret... maybe I'd be happier.
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