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Rated: ASR · Monologue · Dark · #2220952
It's all about you.
Let out the sigh stuck in your chest. It doesn’t make much difference, does it? Maybe you should
scream instead. Let out that blood curdling scream, scream so loud that the whole world hears you.
Let it rip out of you so hard your throat gets ripped into pieces by the time it dies down. Do you feel
better? No? You won’t; it’s not a scream that is stuck in your chest. It’s your agony.

I’ve met him, you know? He whispers quite softly in your ear, makes you listen even when you don’t
want to. He doesn’t walk up to you and introduce himself. No, he’s too arrogant for that. He invites
himself to your life, makes himself at home. You won’t notice his presence until it’s too late. Until
you cannot live without him anymore; until you don’t know how to live without him.

He is the most loyal being in to ever exist: there when you look for him, there when you don’t. He
has a companion of his, they share you. His companion is not silent like he is, but he is just as
arrogant. The companion is loud and obnoxious, always voices his opinion, quite dramatic too;
makes mountains out of molehills. You always listen to them though, because they make so much
sense when all else does not.

He calls himself Depression and his friend Anxiety. Quite a pair, they make; rarely find one without
the other. My word are these two distractive, how dangerous they are. They are oh so different but
work together like a screw and a nut.

Inside you are this badass that doesn’t give two flying farts, you walk in a room and it’s nothing to
write home about, because to you everything is background noise. Going through life with your head
held high, with calm confidence because you know what you are capable of, know you are you and
all that.

Then they decide to introduce their twin cousins. These two creep up on you so that they can make
a dramatic entrance, one that will make sure that you never forget them. Anxiety wields these two
like his least favourite weapon the one that is never oiled, always makes noise when working so that
they are hard to ignore. I have to give it him, he’s a genius; that tactic is quite smart, and it yields the
best results. Let him not fool you into thinking he hates them, oh no, he loves them very much.
Nothing brings out Anxiety like Failure and Rejection. These girls are messy in their work, but they
are damn efficient.

Now let me tell you about Failure. Many will tell you different things about her, try to be all nice
about it and pull the whole “inside beauty” nonsense. Truth is, Failure is ugly, there is no two way
about it. She is mean about it too. She hits like a damn wrecking ball, destroys all you are, kills what
little confidence you had.

The first time it hits you, you find that the hit is a shock and decide to get up, dust yourself up and
continue on your path. Ha! The B.I.T.C.H, just comes back like a damn boomerang and keeps
swinging. Let me tell you, the second hit is not as much of a shock as the first, but it does more
damage. That’s when Anxiety’s son, Self-doubt creeps in and makes himself at home. See Failure
never misses an opportunity to remind you that you aren’t good enough. She’s consistent like that.

At some point along the way though, you get used to her. You don’t become friends as such, you just
accept her presence and appreciate her absence even more.

Now let’s talk about Rejection; just as ugly and messy as her sister. Unfortunately, she is just as
efficient, if not more so. This one goes straight for your heart,, nips at it bit by bit, piece. Kills all
your dreams, one by one. Ambition is her worst enemy. She nips at the edges of your heart until she
reaches the very core.

Have you ever had to let go of something you have wanted your whole life?
Well, I have. Let me tell you, it is absolute agony. It leaves you a shell of yourself with absolutely no
direction whatsoever. Leaves you grasping at straws, trying to reach for a lifeline that isn’t there.
Because truth of the matter is, that type of a dream is one that gives you purpose; losing it is losing
your purpose. The only reason you still breathe after a loss like that is shear stubbornness on your
part. This coming from someone who’s quite acquainted with loss.

In case it was not obvious, I am quite stubborn. Or stupid; take your pick.
Because this was never about you; this is about the big guy over here, the ever-present guy. This is a
story about Depression. We wouldn’t dare take the attention away from, we would never disrespect
him like that. I must go back and tell you some more about him.

Remember I told you about his sharing habits? Let me tell you now, he is quite picky about whom he
shares you with. His time is his time and his alone. He is a very jealous and selfish lover. From the
day he makes his presence known, you lose interest in everything else in your life. Nothing is
important enough for you to leave him for.

How dare you try to cheat on him with your daily life?! Have you no shame, trying to leave the bed
he told you to stay in. How dare you attempt to interact with other people. Is he not enough for
you? He gives you all his attention; what more do you want? What a brat you are. Here, take this
loneliness to keep you company while you push everyone away.
Let life pass you by, nothing interesting over there anyway. “Don’t worry baby, when Numbness
takes a break from his shift, you can have Anger to keep you bored. I understand Loneliness is not
enough for you. Don’t you worry I’ll always be around, but I might have to work sometimes.”

He’s sweet, isn’t he? Always considerate of your entertainment. He’s quite wealthy too, has all these
beings to do his bidding.
No one understands your relationship better that you do, and no one can. Sometimes no one notices
your relationship until it’s too late. Not until he decides that he has loved you all he can in life, no he
can only offer you eternity with him. Only eternal life will do with him. He lets you choose your
poison, stands by you as you drink it, lies with you like Romeo did with Juliet. Only then will people
notice this relationship. They cannot do anything for you now, all they can do is write what they
remember you to be. Put up your photo wherever they can and express how shocking your
departure was. They might even reminisce about how you used to be, maybe during that they will
see where the tables turned. See where this lover of yours started monopolising your time. See
when you broke up with Sad and jumped into bed with his evil brother Depression.

He has one flaw, this lover of yours; he is no Romeo. He is just a whore that likes to be in every bed he can be in. He is an opportunist. He strikes when you are at your lowest point. He is not strongenough to make his presence known when you have your wits about you. Demanding loyalty from you when he is incapable of you. You aren’t his victim, no. He is the victim; your victim, a victim to
his own temptation. Misery calls to him like life to a dying man.

He is miserable, he has no honour. What value has a promise made by a man with no honour? None,
that’s what. No value at all. Who are you to fall for such? Who are you not? Your only mistake was to
fight for your life. Your only mistake was to be human. Is it a mistake though, when it’s who you
are?? Do I even make sense to you right now??

Let me break it down for you. You are not a victim to Depression; you are his greatest attraction.
Your greatness called to him that he couldn’t help but try to take it for himself. Except that he could
not, because his drug is Misery. Now, while there is greatness in Misery, it’s a double-edged sword.
Without the greatness that is you, Misery just is. The greatness in Misery is your ability to find it at
all. Your ability to rise above it and not only rise but look back at it and thank it for the lessons it taught you.

It is unfortunate that for you to rise, you need to first fall. Nobody knows rock-bottom like Depression. He is after all, Happiness that never found its way up. The Happiness that had all the intensity but none of the drive.

You on the other hand, are the wielder of them all. You are the force behind all that is you. Don’t let Depression and his companions tell you otherwise. Take that Failure and use her as a suit of armour against her kind, no better defence than an attack. Wear her and face the rest of her clones and say,
“I have seen you before, fought you before. You have beaten me, but I have gotten back up. You can
only replicate yourself; I evolve. Eventually, you will not see me coming, you cannot defeat what you
cannot see.”
Shed your fear for failure; develop the fear of being anything but yourself. The rest will follow.
© Copyright 2020 Nancy Simpson (nancysimpson at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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