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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2222042-Dorinda-and-the-Terrible-vampire-story
Rated: E · Fiction · Comedy · #2222042
Didn't you read the title?
Once upon a time, there was a group of vampires. They were not like other vampires. No, they didn't drink animal's blood, in place of human blood. No, they weren't trapped in a cave in the artic waiting for the thirty days of night. These vampires ran a charity called, "Blood for Suckers" and that's how they got blood. Kind of like an evangelist, only much scarier and cooler.

Since the vampires were legitimate citizens and were not committing any crimes, it was illegal to try and kill them. So the vampire hunters in town would try and shut down their charity, "Blood for Suckers." One day the vampire group met some girl who became fascinated with their lifestyle. We will call her Dorinda. She fell in love with Bartok. Bartok looked like he had been hit with a rusty shovel, and sounded like the Count from Sesame Street. He walked sideways, everywhere.

They would spend their days looking into each other's eyes, speaking like a bad Shakespeare ripoff, and having conversations no sane person would have. Unfortunately for Bartok, another sought the heart of his dear, sweet, and awesomely named Dorinda. Angus the were-donkey was in love with her as well.

Angus was easy to spot thanks to his gigantic teeth, and bowlegged walk the women found oddly attractive. He saw the slightly uneven Dorinda and gave all of his assinine love to her. She didn't want to be with Angus. He was a nice guy, but his bowlegged way of waking would knock her into traffic, and he smelled like horse poop. Dorinda was not a vampire or a weredonkey.

Dorinda brought out the worst in her potential lovers. However, she loved the attention and strung them both along. One day Bartok and Angus were going to fight, Dorinda made popcorn to watch.

"Why are we fighting over this girl?" Angus demanded.

"I don't know, look at her. She has a finger in her nose... its kind of hot." Bartok said.

"Yay, me." Dorinda the awesomely named said. "We all know the real reason your rivalry exists. It's a love triangle and if Doritos taught us anything, its triangles sell. Besides, it made the story more interesting."

Angus nodded, "Wow that is almost as terrible as the story we are in right now."

"It gets worse, as the series progresses, your rivalry will bring out the worst and both of you will spend your time acting like dicks to one another. I will be conflicted and tortured and millions of teen girls will pay the fifty bucks to see some supernatural lovin.

Angus kissed Bartok and took him by the hand. "No thanks, this story has a twist ending. Bartok and I are getting married, and you aren't invited. We talked about it while you were flapping your gums.

Dorinda went home feeling rejected. She called the quarterback over and three weeks later Dorinda was in a terrible story about teen pregnancy, Titled, "Teenage Baby Mama bomba drama."
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2222042-Dorinda-and-the-Terrible-vampire-story