80% terrible 100% guilty pleasure
|The atomic age had wrought many wonders to the good people of the earth. A steady supply of power for their gizmos and gadgets, navigation systems so sophisticated it could pinpoint a location to within fifty meters. Travel was now much easier. A week-long journey now took hours.
For every good thing the atomic age had wrought, there was a darker and more twisted side to the equation. Weapons acquired the potential to destroy entire towns in the blink of an eye. Weapons so simple a child could use them.
This particular story is about people testing the Human Killer MK2. A rival leader had been beating his chest and making threats. His nation created the People Vaporizer 3000. What the intrepid weapon makers did not know was someone's pet platypus had escaped its cage.
The Human Killer trials were successful. It killed ten percent more people than the People Vaporizer. It had a curious side effect on the platypus, caught in the blast. We should name him. How about Dirk? Yes, Dirk will do nicely.
Dirk the platypus felt funny in the weeks after the testing. He noticed the world around him was smaller, or he was getting bigger? In any event, it bothered him to be thinking complexly. He wished he hadn't escaped the cage back the Jelly bean Heiresses house.
One day he came across a grizzly bear. Seven hundred pounds of muscle, claws, and iron crushing teeth came at him. Dirk, hissed? Growled? Made the noise platypi make when they are threatened. He raised his webbed foot exposing the poisonous barb on it.
The fight was over before it started. The tiniest pinprick cause the bear's muscles to atrophy instantly. It fell over with a thump. Dirk slapped it with his deadly beaver tail twice for good measure. It wasn't the end of his adventure, two human hunters saw him and opened fired, using shotguns.
It was like being shot with a plastic dart. Once more, Dirk made the noise make when platypi are angry and charged the foolish humans. One of them was a high ranking military official. He got on the phone.
"I am being attacked by a giant platypus. We have to kill it before it gets any bigger and has children. Move up to Defcon 2"
Dirk was insulted. He was a male and couldn't have children. These humans were not bright. He watched the humans hop into their mechanical beasts and drive away.
It is here Dirk decided to teach humanity a lesson. He was happy near his river in Australia. He would eat the tiny plankton and mollusks buried in the mud. He would bath in the warm sun afterword, while he snoozed.
His receptors in his bill detected a large amount of electrical energy in the distance. He began to follow it.
The humans were watching Dirk via satellite. Col. Killam looked at Sgt. Murdarr, "Do we have a plan for this Platypus yet?"
"Yes sir. We call it the Death Bird 5000. Birds of prey eat Platypi. Our engineers are working on it as we speak."
"The government put a restriction on our spending, after the running of the shrews incident. Make sure it looks cool and has lots of weapons. Maybe we can leverage a toy line after this is over.
Sgt. Murdarr saluted, "Yes, sir."
Col. Killam looked at the screen. "You will make me a hero. I will mount your head on the capital building as a warning to other freaks of nature. Make no mistake I will win."