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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2222591-The-Worlds-Foremost-Authority
Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Contest Entry · #2222591
A takeoff on Professor Irwin Corey -- A private conversation between you and your doctor.
The World’s Foremost Authority

         “Doc, I’m in a lot of pain.”
         “How much, on a scale of one to ten, with childbirth being a ten.”
         “I’ve never experienced childbirth.”
         “Oh yes, of course. Well, how about a swift kick in the nuts as a ten?”
         “Yep, I do know about that. Let’s call it an eight.”
         “Where is the pain?”
         “In my back.”
         “Well, your nuts aren’t back there, so it must be something else. Let me get some background information. Please step on the scale.”
         “A freight scale?”
         “It works best for my patients. They tend to be on the heavy side.”
         “How do you use it?”
         “I hang these weights on this little tray until the bar balances. Ahh. You weigh one-tenth.”
         “One-tenth. What kind of weight is that?”
         “… one-tenth of a ton.”
         “That’s not very accurate.”
         “As good as you get in any doctor’s office.”
         "Now I must take your temperature.”
         “Hmm. 310 …”
         “What! Can’t be, I’d be dead."
         “… degrees Kelvin.”
         “You use the Kelvin scale?”
         “All men of science measure temperature using the Kelvin scale.”
         “It’s more accurate because it is based on Boltzmann’s constant.”
         “Oh. That’s good to know.”
         “How’s your blood pressure? Let’s check.”
         “Doc, what is that?”
         “Oh, my blood pressure cuff is broken so I use my automobile tire pressure gauge.”
         “Are you crazy?”
         “Of course not. I am ‘The World’s Foremost Authority’.”
         "So, what’s my BP.”
         “2.32 over 1.55.”
         “What kind of number is that?”
         “PSI. What would you think it was with a tire pressure gauge? Now, do you have gas?”
         “I had half a tank when I got here.”
         “I mean intestinal gas.”
         “Yeah. I have a lot of that.”
         “I need to take a blood sample.”
         “How much?”
         “About a quart.”
         “Why so much?”
         “The Blood Bank won’t pay for any less.”
         “Okay Doc, what do you think it is?”
         “I suspect you have stones.”
         “What kind — liver, kidney, gall bladder?”
         “Yes, and they must be big.”
         “Because they hurt so bad.”
         “Don’t small stones hurt too.”
         “Of course they do.”
         “Then why … never mind. So what’s the recommended treatment?”
         “I think this would be a perfect case for the Liver Pulsator, my latest invention, now in prototype stage.”
         “How does that work?”
         “Pulverizes liver stones.”
         “Any side effects?”
         “In half the cases, it pulverized the liver too.”
         “What happened?”
         “Uhhh. I’m in litigation.”
         “But you don’t know if I have liver stones.”
         “You’re right, let’s try medication.”
         “Yeah. That might be better.”
         “I’m going to prescribe Empagliflozin.”
         “How does that work?”
         “It turns the stones into endorphins, allowing them to dissolve in the body’s keto acid.”
         “What’s the dosage?”
         “One pill daily, and stay near the toilet.”
         “How near?”
         “About three feet.”
         “Any side effects?”
         “Possible Ketoacidosis.”
         “What happens if I get Ketoacidosis?”
         “You die.”
         “Doc, what’s your name?”
         “I am Irwin Corey, ‘The World’s Foremost Authority’.”
         “They will take your money at the front desk.”

Word Count: 496

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