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Rated: E · Fiction · Satire · #2228686
DT holds forth on women, immigration, loving your fellow man & kicking Chinese ass.
Donald Trump Addresses The Nation

My fellow Americans, tonight I'm speaking to you because I admire the sound of my voice, and a record number of people who voted for me like it too. I have this great relationship with women, as you may possibly have heard. I think women are some of the best people in the United States and, according to research, in some other countries too. I've always been phenomenal to women. You can check my track record on women and it's up there with the best. I love them all, as my wife and both my ex-wives will confirm. All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously, and that's to be expected. Even Stormy Daniels would have to admit, I have this unbelievable thing going on with women. I once told this reporter, I would even date my daughter if she wasn't my daughter, because, like I say, I have this great, great respect for beautiful women.

In less than two short years, my administration has accomplished more than any administration on the planet, possibly other planets too. And I know a lot about other planets, more than most astrologers. I am like the Nicodemus of politics, because everything I say comes true. Some people would say that I'm more popular than Jesus, which of course I cannot possibly condone. But I do have more followers than Jesus, and I know how to get along with the Jews who count, the ones who have money. That's probably why no one's crucified me yet, except on Twitter.

People will tell you I hate Mexicans, which is a total lie. I'd like to say now, on record, that Mexicans are some of the finest, most hard-working immigrants I have ever met. They have this fine country, Mexico, where they should stay, with all their drugs and their rapists and their guns... and some, I assume, who are good people. Why do they keep forcing their way here? I mean, if the history of America has taught us one thing, it's that nothing good ever came from violent immigration. We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a nice way, in these little camps like holiday camps. And they're going to be happy because they want to be sterilized... I mean legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice. Even Santa isn't nice all the time. When the going gets tough, he comes down those naughty kids' chimneys and kicks ass. I'm like Santa. I love Santa.

But I do love all people the same, especially my fellow Americans. That line of 'love your neighbour like yourself,' the phrase, that was mine. I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using it, and now everybody's using it, they are all loving it. I don't know, I guess I should copyright it. There's a lot of good money to be made out of real, genuine love. In many ways, this country is too nice. I mean, we have all these groups for women with PMT and men who want to be women and women who want maternity leave. I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist. And I know that sounds incredible but, there are these countries where, statistically speaking, the people were too nice, and eventually they vanished and were never seen again. Just ask East Germany or Atlantis.

What I won't do is take in two hundred thousand Syrians who could be ISIS. I have been watching this migration. I see the people coming over, and the ones that aren't women are all men. These are all physically young, strong men who look like prime-time soldiers, except for the ones to whom this clearly does not apply. So, you have to ask two things. Number one, why aren't these men dying for their country? And number two, I don't want these people coming over here!

I am a great defender of gay people. I know all these amazing people who just happen to be gay, and I want you people to know, I value your votes just as much as anyone else's. But I'm a traditionalist. It seems odd to me that people would want to live that way. It's like in golf. A lot of people - I don't want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive... it's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And I hate it. I'm a traditionalist. Even Stormy Daniels will tell you, when it comes to using wood to sink a hole, I've never needed a long putter.

Before me, our country was in serious trouble. It's like we weren't having victories anymore. We used to have all these amazing victories, but then we just stopped having them, which I think was a mistake. Before my campaign, when was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China, in a trade deal? They were killing us. Now I beat China all the time, every time. I think nobody knows more about China than I do, maybe even in the history of the world. You'd have to go back all the way to Marco Piano. Even Genghis Khan couldn't give China as much hell as I do because, I mean, he invaded, and then he just got bored. But I have like these record levels of wins over China.

My IQ is one of the highest. I went to all the best schools and met most of the best people. Dorks like Chomsky can make fun of me all they like, because they never got to be President. No one would vote for him because he's boring. When was the last time you saw Chomsky with a hot model like my daughter? He spends all his time in books, so he doesn't know how to kick ass. Don't get me wrong, I love intelligence. Nobody has better respect for intelligence than Donald Trump. I'm like this connoisseur of intelligence. My IQ level is so high, and science has proven this correct, that no standard test can even begin to understand how my brain works.

I'm the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than me. I'm the most successful person ever to run. Ross Perot isn't successful like me, and he's got this really un-American name. Romney? I have a diamond-studded leather thong that's worth more than Romney. I look very much forward to showing you my financials, because they are huge. Show me someone with no ego and I'll show you a big loser. Really smart people like the Dalai Lama would agree.

What can I say about my rivals? Hillary Clinton is an extremely unattractive woman, with a face like a Who's Who of wrinkles, yet I refuse to say this to anyone, because I always insist on being politically correct. John McCain is not a war hero. I mean, he is a war hero. But he's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured. I like people who stayed out of enemy hands and then descended on their villages at night and killed thousands of Vietnamese. I love that strong militant blood. Great stuff!

People worry about global warming and I say relax. Global warming was a myth invented by the ancient Greeks to cover up the fact that they lost Atlantis. Plus we have alternative energy now, and that's working fine. Trust me, I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth. Just ask my plastic surgeon and the guy who refurbishes my toupee.

Voting Trump is a choice between right and wrong, intelligence and stupidity. This is about whether we fulfil our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve, by building trillion-dollar walls to keep out tribal savages and hoping to Moses they don't have ladders. When I took the oath of office, I swore to protect our country and that is what I will always do. So help me God! I mean, so help me God.

Thank you, good night and God bless America - statistically speaking still the greatest country in the history of this fine planet.

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