The feeling of loneliness written by me in an instant. Inspired by social distancing.
|I’ve never had anything hit me as hard as this one assignment did. It was a simple question, and my teacher was behind a computer screen. Mind you, quarantine was bad for me. I thought I lost each and every one of my friends for three months. Then, my friend “I” started to talk to me, and we started talking again. I also had my sister (who has a phone) to get my old friend “D” to chat with me. I only had two of the ten friends to talk to me again. Of course, they had their own friends, so I was only able to get a couple of minutes of talk before they left again. Every time, it made me feel lonelier and lonelier.
So that one question hit me like nothing else. So I answered with the truth, despite my teacher not knowing who I exactly was, and she is behind a computer screen. I told her that I don’t have any friends left and that only a couple managed to stick with me.
I miss my dear friends. I spent all of the epidemics grieving that I would probably never get in touch. It was all because we decided to share numbers and emails on the Monday that started EVERYTHING. And it’s because I didn’t have a stupid phone, and I didn’t have social accounts. If I had either of those, I might’ve been better off. I mean, everyone talks through those now. It’s not 1963 where everyone had to pay lots of money to get a phone and to send letters to one another.
I was always an introvert, but the people who are in my life need to realize that I care if I have friends. Especially the ones who we all made promises to protect each other into high school. I started high school without them. I don't even know if they're well or sick or dying, for all I know.
And after writing my response to my teacher, I burst out into tears and wrote this. I’m sorry if this is insane and foolish, but this is how I feel. My best friends were the ones who protected me all these years and now I'm scared. Not only scared, but I feel lonely. And no one understands me, no matter how hard I try. And what makes it worse, no one TRIES to understand me. And no one wants to talk to me when all I want is to talk and laugh and cry tears of joy before everything happened. Honestly, the last time I cried tears of joy or laughed or smiled was when I discovered the few friends I have left. Everything else just seems like a shadow of my old life.
Every time I think about any of them, especially my closest one who was a sister to me, I go deeper into this spiral of every dark thought in my mind, of the broken faucet of tears always finding their way down my face. The only reason why I don't do anything stupid is because its stupid. I know that from experience, and I always wish that I've hadn't. Just writing this is making my heart break.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate that you managed to read my moment of sadness that has been lasting for too long. Hopefully, you aren't experiencing any of this, that your life right now is much better than what I'm going through. If you had to live through this recently, I hope everything works out. I'm very emotional, so I'm sorry if everything here seems too annoying or whiny. It's just how I feel.