Thoughts after 20 hours.
|My Wife passed at 9:50 last night. Her long and tortuous journey was over. At times she awoke from the deep coma where she sought brief respite from the struggles she went through to just stay alive. She came out from her resting place long enough to play canasta with this broken old man. Very few hands were enough to tire her out. She would ask for ice cream. This was a treat we had long denied ourselves because of cholesterol and weight gain. Toward the last, that didn't really matter anymore. I truly enjoyed tasting long forbidden pleasures, with my Green-eyed lady. Our life was difficult for sure but I will be eternally grateful for the lock-in precipitated something I would not have ever predicted. I discovered I was still in love with the tough old buzzard who pushed me away from ever touching her. With the healing of words enhanced by acts I knew she needed. Preparing a meal. adjusting her oxygen, or emptying her bedside commode, to helping her clean her bottom when she was unable, we talked about times long gone by. We both made apologies for the things we failed to do. She had pushed me away so many times that it became too much effort for me to approach her. When I became her caretaker I felt that it was a gift to be able to do anything for her. The slightest touch became electric. Sex was not part of the picture. when you are 78 years old it becomes redundant. Our souls touched in ways more intimate than we ever did in our sexual relationship. I am thankful for every second I had with her. I miss her. Even when she fussed at me because I couldn't change the weather, or banish the others that she saw and I couldn't. I answered a lot of (Who Is that?) questions. I never pretended to see what she saw, I just tried very to reassure her that I was with her and I was not going to go anywhere else. The night before she passed I crawled into her narrow little bed and held her. My voice seemed to calm her somewhat. It was wonderful, then the other her came back and shooed me away. I went to my bed feeling like I was loved by the green-eyed lady from so many years ago. Her eyes were still bright green when I checked her pupils after getting zero blood pressure reading three times. I knew it was over. I called my daughter, and the hospice service of Audobon Hospice and started the chain of events which was a finale to this woman's life which had touched so many others. She was a NICU nurse. She had no touch left for me until the end. Wow!