by Dr Gonzo
Life post-divorce...outcomes, regrets & hindsight combine to an all too bitter truth.
|From a young age, we learn how it feels to be abandoned...a best friend at school moves away. Mom and dad separate and divorce. That girl or boy we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with, decides we are not the one. But, we move forward...and in time, we forget how much it hurts.
It continues throughout life, from time to time, and as we age, it becomes almost expected. So, we harden our hearts, pretend we don't care or just accept that people come..and people go.
Family is not supposed to fall under this banner. When we were living a more simple life not that long ago, to be cast into exile by your Clan was considered one of the worst punishments...a man without his family...his Clan...is not a man at all, but a shadow of his former self.
Who will accept this wanderer?
"What did he do to receive such a cruel sentence?
"Move on stranger, we don't care for men with no people.”
Nowadays, there are so many people in the world we could never feel like that...like the men of old who walked alone in life. Yet here we are, so many who feel alone, abandoned by the ones they love.
Wary people will not show kindness to the forsaken. We can see it in their eyes...the way they hold themselves...the way they walk. We see them, but we cannot look into those tortured eyes. Because that is our fear...to be like them...alone.
Abandonment is not just the sudden departure of a person. Many married (or not married for that matter) couples live in the same abode, sit at the same table, are with each other on a daily basis yet, they may feel abandoned by their partner. Lack of support, intimacy, communication or real love and consideration can sow the seeds of abandonment.
A person wouldn't even notice at first. Then in time..finding ourselves living with a virtual stranger. Remembering what they used to be like...sadness turning to anger...leading to resentment...and unless both are willing to do what is required (or the alternative, do nothing and accept this life alone), then divorce is inevitable.
My separation and subsequent divorce has taught me a lot. Having young children complicated matters tenfold, and looking back in hindsight, I could have done much better. The way I treated my ex-wife. The way I handled it all really...especially to do with my kids.
I didn't give enough consideration towards how difficult a position they were in. To imagine how they must have felt and what our choices were doing to them. Now, I have to live with the outcomes...teenage girls who will not see me, will not speak to me and want nothing to do with me.
I should have done things differently. Been a husband...a better father...a better dad. But the pain of loss blinded me, and I didn't see what, or who, really mattered. My hope is that one day they will forgive me and let me back into their life's. I was a good dad once upon a time, and I hope they remember.
Now, people are wary of me. They can see in my eyes...the way I hold myself...the way I walk. They fear me, and I don't blame them. To have no family, no Clan...abandoned by those who once thought I was a leader...alone.