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Rated: E · Fiction · Crime/Gangster · #2234791
Parents should not name their children after edible vegetation
Rapunzel Rapunzel lay down your hair that we might climb your golden stair. Rapunzel replied, “You said “we.” “Who else is with you?” The soldier yelled back, “I didn’t say we.” “I said I.” The young woman’s voice coming from the high tower replied, “I clearly heard “we.” The king’s guard had to think quickly, which was difficult because government officials are not quick witted. The captain came up with the lie, “Oh yes, you are right.” “I have two personalities.” “My psychiatrist reminds me all the time to cut that out and become just one person at a time.” Rapunzel thought his story sounded logical so she let down her golden hair.

At that moment a full battalion of soldiers climbed the woman’s hair. They were dressed in full battle gear, heavy armor and set about chopping Rapunzel into tiny pieces with their axes and shiny swords. They ate her all up but not the bones, hair and yucky parts. The bones were too hard and the hair was too chewy. When they finished they tossed the bones out the window.

As was stated earlier, government officials are not too smart. No one among them thought to anchor the hair so they could make their way down from the tower. Just then Rapunzel's mother came by. She called for her daughter but she did not reply for some reason. The mom thought that was odd. Finally a soldier yelled out, “She’s not here!” The mom said, “Who are you and where is my daughter?”

The voice from above explained that she had gone to town to buy some butter. The mother said, “That is impossible.” “My daughter hates butter and there is no way out of the tower.” “She has been imprisoned up there for over five years now for violating the parking law regarding parking your cow on the alternate side of the street.” “She parked it on the right side on a wrong Wednesday.” “Everyone knows that you can only park horses and cattle there on alternating Wednesdays.” “She should have parked it on the left but my daughter is all hair and no brains.”

The captain continued manufacturing lies; “A bird flew her to the store on its back.” Mrs. Rapunzel senior was getting suspicious and said again, “Who did you say you were?” The man replied, “I’m just a friend who stopped by to visit and bring her a cold soda.” The mother said that Rapunzel never drinks soda. It has too many calories, too much sugar and caffeine. It would make her fat and the bubbles give her gas.

The mom continued, “That must have been one hell of a big bird to lift my daughter off to market!” The soldier responded, “Huge!” The mom also commented, “My little girl only drinks Rhinoceros milk. The captain wanted to know, “How do you milk a rhinoceros?” The woman responded, “Very carefully.”

The soldier, also an officer of the high court is confused. He tells an entirely different story. He says to Rapunzel's mom. “Wait a minute madame.” “According to court records, the word Rapunzel literally means, green salad or garden salad.” “It is our understanding that you, the mother, are a vegetarian.” “You forced your husband to go out into the woods to find you some rapunzel when you were pregnant and craving a salad.” “Your husband climbed over the sorceresses wall, trespassing on her private property to steal green eatable vegetation.” “Instead of calling the authorities to arrest your husband, the witch made him give up your child when she was born.” “Your husband, being the coward that he is, agreed to the witches terms.”
“Your daughter was placed in this tower because of her parents criminal actions.” “Shame on you madame!” “Shame on you and your husband.”

Repunzel’s mother quickly turns the table on the solider. She inquires, “What are these bones down here?” The man replies, “Chicken bones.” The mom retorts, “Any relation to the bird that lifted my daughter off to the store?” “That must have been one gigantic fowl and I don’t see any feathers but I do see a whole mess of golden hair down here.” “What have you done to my daughter you beast?”

The captain had to come clean. He confessed. “I’m sorry madame but my men and I were very hungry.” “The king is cheap.” “He never feeds us.” “We took advantage of your daughter and this golden opportunity.” “She was sweet and innocent and oh so delicious.”

“Don’t you think you should be thinking more clearly about this immediate situation my dear?” “Don’t you think it is odd or at least a little peculiar how 120 large men can fit in this tiny six foot by six foot cell at the top of a tower?”

Rapunzel’s mother began to scream, “You cannibals!” “You monsters!” “You killed and ate my little girl and all you can do is offer me convoluted math questions!” “I’m calling the authorities!” The soldier reminded her that he and his men are the authorities. They are the law.” She said, “Then I’m calling the witch!” The soldier’s voice began to tremble. He became filled with fear and trepidation. “Please madame, don’t do that!” “She might do something awful.” “She could kill us or something worse.” “Make sandwiches out of us made with lettuce, tomatoes and mayo on toast.”

The moral here is; There is such a thing as being too much of a vegetarian, as in the case of Rapunzel's mother. (Who in their right mind names their kid Garden Green Salad?)
There is such a thing as having too much meat in your diet, as in the case of our carnivorous cannibal government employees. Soldiers should also think about cutting out sweets and working for mean kings while they are at it.

The End
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