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by Cherry
Rated: E · Other · Other · #2236336
Losing oneself
I was lead into a waiting room, looking around I saw so many empty blank stare searching for answers? This my first visit to the 4th floor. Wondering as I studied or tried to make eye contact, Everyone would look away or down, Oh how I wondered if their diagnosis was the same as mine. I waited and waited , they finally called my name thinking this should not take to long. They weighed me for it seemed an umpteen time and drew blood. I thought okay I guess this will be over in a bit. They escorted me beyond a closed door. When I walked in reality hit me, this is real and the why me's. I was led to recliner with a small tv and radio, shown where snacs and drinks were. What began at 8 a.m. had turned into 4 p.m. , The Ivy and wires were all attached , ready set go I thought. I grabbed the pole that is decorated and started walking around nervous, I told the nurses I felt like I was doing my first pole dance , they stood there laughing softly . I looked around some were sleeping, crocheting or had someone sitting next to them. I was there alone, soon I felt tired and went to rest on recliner, When I awoke I did not know the time, I looked at the clock it was 8p.m. they asked do you have a ride home you cannot drive, I being stubborn asked why and that I felt fine. Till I took my first step, I slid back into the chair and called for a ride, I wobbled over to where they were parked, slipping into backseat I felt drunk but my lips seemed cracked and dry,. I had to return to this place at 8 a.m. Saw the bruises on my arms it was as if I had shot myself full of herion. Was wondering is this going to be happening every time I came in? I did go the next day with a repeat of yesterday. Seemed as if my arms looked like an addict, and why did I fall asleep again, I was alone during treatment. The third day I had only a shot I asked why, they said for immune system. Soon after each session I would curl up on the floor in pain with what seemed a burning sensation soaring through my body. My doctor said my veins busted to often that I need a port. To this day those veins on one arm cannot be touched because they pop, This went on for 6 months. I almost lost this battle, drove myself to the closest hospital, not remembering where I parked. They took my temperature at 104 the nurses and doctors trying to figure out what was happening, they were squeezing the drips on 3 bags , I could see them in what seemed as if I was on one side of the tunnel and they were on they other side. They tried to quiet me, but I asked questions, why what is happening? They did not answer, soon a nurse came and attached morphine as I felt my body jumping up and down. No one knew where I was. The light became brighter and warm and I felt I was leaving my body, but sleep won. For 21/2 years I was in chemo for Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 4 in my blood and stage 1 in my bones. I became that lost blank stare look and now I understood why. Each visit to the 4th floor was one floor I would never forget the 4th floor. In January of 2021 I will hit the 5 year mark, does it mean I'm cured ? No So I live in the moment , try not to look back and awake with hope of many tomorrows; today. Cancer is a silent killer and does not care what nationality, age, woman or man is. Chemo destroys the person you are, as your body changes to adapt. I now live through my spirit ,I will always roam freely Thank you if you read this. ~ cherry rose

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