by Ken Page
A spoof of the Battle of the Little Bighorn.
|In 1874 George Armstrong Custer discovers gold in the heart of South Dakota’s Black Hills. The contrast with all that black made it easier to see. Prospectors poured in even though the Sioux were standing there at the foot of the hills as they came by saying,
“Ah, excuse me, sir may I have a word? You’ll note here on this treaty, no not there, ah, it’s on page five, yes on page five it says that all this gorgeous blackness belongs to us and that would include those little gold bits you see all over them. So regretfully we must ask you to turn around please.”
But the prospectors did not turn around.
So, in the meantime, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse were having tea and Crazy Horse’s nephew Humping Toad approached and reported,
“Uncle Crazy, the white men will not go home, and we asked them very politely.”
Crazy Horse reached for a lump of sugar, asking Sitting Bull if he’d like some too. Sitting Bull who never said much, shook his head no.
Crazy Horse added,
“Very good old boy”. Is that a new scalp hanging from your spear? And you know, you look fabulous.”
then he turned to his nephew,
“Humping my boy, did you show them the treaty?”
“Yes uncle, we certainly did.”
Crazy Horse slowly turned back to study his tea.
“Well, how gauche, quite inappropriate. this is just not done; we had their solemn word. nephew, get me a white general on the phone please.”
“On the what, uncle?”
“Oh, yes, yes quite right, ah not the phone, I mean go to the nearest fort and tell the white general there that we are ever so sorry for the trouble but I’m afraid a quite unacceptable breach of etiquette is occurring and, again, so sorry, but regretfully we will be forced to take up, well, arms, and arrows and hatchets and other such dreadful things in order to protect our land and our gold, which, sorry old boy is already earmarked to pay for a yet nameless avenue of mega casinos. Oh, it’s gonna be grand, I hope you can, well, pop by some time. Anyway, so in order to expedite this splendid vision could you please be a good chap and send your general Custer and your troops to the little bighorn as soon as possible so that we may massacre them, and thus conclude this matter. I know dreadful business, but apparently necessary, Yours truly and sincerely, Crazy Horse. Did you get all that nephew?"
“No uncle, but I recorded it with my phone.”
“Nothing. Yes, I’ve got it.”
Crazy Horse turned back to Sitting Bull,
Custer was the most brash, flamboyant, and frankly gay, officer in the U.S. Army. He was confident his superior technology could contain the Indians and that he could seduce, ah, we mean charm, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse. He soon received orders to go to the Big Horn Mountains to contain the Sioux and their Cheyenne allies. He was ordered to
“...position yourself and observe but do not attack them.”
This is what the messenger clearly read to Custer, but what Custer heard was,
“…you, as our greatest most flamboyant, and frankly gay, officer should go to the little Big Horn Mountains which contain the Sioux and their Cheyenne allies. Observe and position yourself. Then carry out a brilliant attack on them that will make you immortal.”
On June 25th Custer spotted an Indian village on the banks of the Little Big Horn River. Custer called for his adjutant.
“There’s a village down there, what does that mean?”
“That we should surround it, observe and wait for orders, sir.”
“Exactly, we should attack it and follow our orders!”
“Sir, that, sir, that isn’t what I, sir…”
But Custer was already leading a charge down the hill. The Indians emerged in legend inflated numbers by the millions and destroyed Custer and the cavalry.
Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse were attending a garden party at the far end of the village. Crazy Horse leaned toward Sitting Bull and said,
“Did you hear something old boy, some sort of ruckus?”
Sitting Bull shook his head no as more squaws came by to smile and curtsy.
But the victory was brief for the Sioux as the next day cable service went out throughout the village. And just as they were about to strike a deal for satellite, army regulars poured in, chasing them for months through the hills. By October most resistance had ended, Crazy Horse had surrendered, and Sitting Bull and a few warriors fled to Canada where they hid till they ran out of tea and were forced to return to the United States.
In the east, the Battle of Little Big Horn caused much debate. War hawks demanded swift justice and an increase in tank, helicopter and submarine production (could have been used in the river, we suppose).
But others protested and wrote about the injustices imposed on the Indians over the last 100 years, such as denying them their opportunity to be bought and sold as slaves, to bleach their skin to look more white and to be mercifully massacred so as to put them out of their misery.
The American masses were indifferent however, and a systematic plan to deny cable and broadband service to Indians was carried out to isolate and subdue them. The Little Big Horn was their last victory.
And the last time they had cable.