Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2240218-Trump-On-COVID--The-Rigged-Election
Rated: E · Monologue · Satire · #2240218
The 45th President of the United States takes a final b(l)ow to the American people.
Donald Trump Addresses Coronavirus And The Rigged Election

Friends, delegates, and distinguished guests: I stand before you tonight honored by your support and proud of the extraordinary votes you have cast for me over the years. This towering American spirit has prevailed over every challenge, and lifted us to the summit of human endeavor, even higher than the Tower of Babel, as can be seen in the phenomenal work of this government to combat the coronavirus. Over the centuries this great country has prevailed over many diseases: smallpox, cholera, AIDS, SARS, socialism... even religious fundamentalism, with the natural exception of Christianity.

People have criticised this government for not taking the virus seriously, for not doing enough testing. I say now what I have always said, that we have the virus totally under control. Only 1 in 1000 Americans have died due to this Chinese plague. That's less than 0.1 percent, practically nothing. Far more people died of old age in 2020, but you don't see CNN making a meal out of that. If you study the statistics, that number is only marginally more significant than the number of Americans who died serving their country in World War 2, a war that we won with flying colors and record courage. And people always talk about the people that died, but what about the people that lived? America has had more recoveries from this virus than any other nation on Earth, by far, and let me tell you about that number of nations, there are so many nations, hundreds, maybe thousands, it depends how you count them, but we as the foremost and smartest should be proud.

I told the doctors and the people responsible, we have got to cut down on testing, because this is a gift for the fake news. We test more people and what happens? The figures go up. They always go up! They never come down. That is the problem with doing more testing. That is why we need to stop the testing. We stop the testing and we will see the people are getting better. That is what the people want to see. They do not want this fake news.

We all wish well to China, as America is a great sporting nation, a nation that abhors racism, but what China did to us was unforgivable. They could have stopped it, they should have stopped it, but they didn't. They ripped off the United States, they screwed us in trade deals, they screwed the American worker. No nation in the last one hundred and fifty years has behaved as abominably as China. They put dog meat in their soups, they season their stir fries with cats, and this virus was their bat-flavoured fortune cookie gift to the world. Their Communist Party has proven to be a serious threat to civilisation and it's time more world leaders followed my lead in realising this. We need to boycott their rice and their noodles and their rubber tyres. China is like this gigantic superstore delivery truck. They're big, they think they are so big, but then you take away their rice and their noodles and their rubber tyres, and all of a sudden they're stranded in the middle of nowhere, waving their chopsticks in the air like white flags. That is how the world should have dealt with China, but instead they let them spread their yellow fever across the Earth, kind of like smearing that sallow satay sauce over your giant crispy wonton.

I always try to take a positive view of such matters. The important thing is to move forward and not back, and not always be looking for a fall guy, some person to blame. Move forward with hindsight. If Joe Biden had realised this as Chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, we would not have imported all those diseased bats and snakes and engineering students and ladyboys, and America would be free of the plague, but I do not intend to dwell on that, as I am not a vindictive person.

All the while the Democrats have been focusing on climate change when they should have been focusing on bats. It's funny because we have all these movies about bats, like Batman, The Dark Knight Rises, Batman Versus Superman, Batman Returns, The Batman, Batman Goes To Hollywood, you can go on down the line. But the Democrats never learned, they did not wish to know. They focused on the myth of climate change when they should have been focusing on the myth of Batman. I've been talking about it a long time, along with many other mythical subjects, frankly. It took a certain amount of courage, I guess, because I was a crowd of one. Even experts did not want to talk about Marvel during the plague, the errors they made - they made so many errors - but I was the guy saying look, we have got to take a mature and measured approach and go back to the origins of this disease. So while they were wasting time crying about polar bears and icecaps, I was in the White House watching Batman Begins. Because that's the way you beat the virus. You have to go all the way back to the beginning, maybe even before, because sometimes you have to start before the beginning and find a way to avoid the middle if you want to make sense of the ending - just like in a sentence.

The reason we have the travel ban is because I foresaw this situation. I understand the problems involved in tackling this plague, and when I say plague I mean virus, not the illegal Mexican people. You cannot keep out all forms of infestation simply by building a wall. Sometimes you have to stop them at the airport. But the wall helps. If we build it high enough, then there is no way the virus can break through. The scientists fail to see it that way because scientists are obsessed with looking at the tiny things, things that... the kind of things you need to view through a microscope to make them important. I look at the big things, the big issues, like blanket bans on Muslims and building walls. There are many great Muslim people out there, I assume, and people should be free to practice their own religion. But I do not want them coming over here and blowing up our cities and, as you know we have many Democrats running our cities, maybe they are fine with that, maybe they wouldn't mind, but I do mind, and the people of this country mind. Nobody likes being blown up. And people say it is only a minority that wish to blow us up, so I say let's dispose of that infected minority, that Muslim minority, and protect the rights of the people who do not wish to be blown up, which is the non-Muslims. That is why I insist that Muslims exercise their constitutional right to freedom of religious expression in a different country, ideally on another continent, because that is not what should be happening in the American world. We are the nation that abolished slavery and defeated fascism, but we can only continue to abolish and defeat them if we restrict certain people of colour coming into our country to scrounge off the American dream.

I have always been suspicious of mail-in voters, because they vote in a very suspicious way. There are all kinds of things you can do with pen and paper that are highly suspicious, that have been extremely damaging to Western society. The world would be a much happier place if Karl Marx and the administrators at the Watergate Office Building had never kept records or learned to write. Analysts say that Democrats are more likely to vote by post, perhaps because they are more literate, and I say this is further proof of their complicity. Illiterate people are too dumb to do anything clever with their votes, as the recent history of America has proven. People say I have no proof and that this is a conspiracy theory - well that's a total lie. This is not a conspiracy theory. A theory is based on science, as you may possibly have heard, and there is absolutely nothing scientific behind anything I say or do. Therefore this is not a conspiracy theory. This is a conspiracy. A conspiracy against the American people conducted by lowlifes who just happen to be American citizens who do not wish to vote for me. And I won't allow it. That is not the way to handle your vote responsibly in an American democracy. I told them to stop the count and they refused. How is that fair? How is that democratic? That is not fair. A democracy is about listening to the people and taking them seriously when they're pointing out a threat to the nation. You only fire them or ignore them when they are clearly mistaken, as I have done many times, and the people have to decide when that is, when this is the case, but it's still... and this is complicated I know but... well we've done a great job, as the people are aware, and that is why they elected me as President. I choose who is the threat and who should be stopped, because I am your chosen leader, the man or the woman you elected into office, and because of that I am representing the people's vote, the will of the people, when I tell you to stop voting. When I say that your vote doesn't count, I am acting as an extension of the will of the American people. That is how a legitimate democracy works, with intelligence. You've got to be able to see the bigger picture and some people, like scientists, haven't learned to do that yet.

Going into this election, we had the greatest poll numbers. You look at the Intracoastal in Florida, you look at the lakes, go visit the duckponds, you see thousands of boats with Trump signs, American signs. There wasn't a single Trump sign there that was not an American sign and, if you're smart enough to understand logic, you will see that is significant. Then you see the bikers, the legions of bikers, from our esteemed American biking community, riding for miles and miles up the highways proudly with their signs. If you want to view a graphical representation of the will of the American people, go check out the boaters and the bikers. Go count them. People will say this is not scientific, but I disagree. You can sit in your office crunching numbers all day, you can ask random people on the street... that is no way to explore the feelings of a nation. That's kind of clinical and cold, not at all like gazing in awe upon a Trump banner blowing triumphantly in the breeze against a backdrop of true blue American sky. I've always said that this is the problem with statisticians. They disregard emotion. They have a real problem with handling emotion, which isn't good, because I can honestly say that their problem has recently become my problem.

But I say, bring on the next election! Bring on 2024! Because together, we are unstoppable. Together, we are unbearable... I mean unbeatable. Because together, we are the proud and unified citizens of the United States of America, minus a sordid demographic of mail-in voters, Muslims, Mandarin speakers, Mexicans and, I am sorry to have to say this, Matt Damon, because I just loved him as Jason Bourne. Anyway, thank you all for your prodigious patience. God bless us, and God bless America -- GOODNIGHT!

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