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by Ember
Rated: E · Non-fiction · Relationship · #2241633
it is what the title says. enjoy my words.
So I'm sitting here watching TikToks of various things. Comedy mostly but because of the algorithm there's a mix of recipes, DnD, anime, movies, and other fandom stuff mostly. There's also a good chunk of Christian topics and dating topics. I usually go through and I will "like" or heart most things. Even though there is no organization system that TikTok has come up with for my liked videos. Yet.

I'm 29 years old and my birthday is roughly 5 months away. To me, 30 isn't really that old. It's still fairly young. There's so much I can do from here. Like the opportunities are essentially endless. Similarly to when I was a young child and teenager, I picture my future self doing things. Traveling to awesome amazing places. I wanna go to London. I wanna go to Japan. I wanna go to Chile. I just wanna. I want to do everything. It eats at me sometimes. The urge to do way more than what I'm doing now.

Right now I'm pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Theatre Design and Technology. My focus is Costumes.

On another note, I get so tired of saying that out loud and writing it. I know people around me don't remember right after I tell them and I have to repeat it. But I also think I get tired of saying it because I'm just tired of the degree.

I'm at a point in my schooling where I hate it. And I've never really been a person who hates school. I love school because I love learning. It's one of my favorite things to do. I get a little rush from finding new information and tying it to old information, analyzing written works, amongst much more.
But I no longer feel that way.

I feel worn out. Exhausted. Burnt out. It sucks because I'm aware of my "condition" and I have to keep telling myself that it will be over when I graduate. That I'll actually enjoy my field when I'm not going to school anymore. That I'll have the time to commit to things outside of my field without feeling guilty.
However, I kinda wonder if I'm lying to myself. The biggest issue is that I'm almost done. I have two semesters left. I'm so eager to be done.
And I look at what I've accomplished and I'm damn proud of it. I'm proud of myself. Being a first generation college student is difficult and amazing. The odds are against us. We're trying to fight the rut that so many get stuck in.
I'd like to think that I'll do so many awesome and great things after this. But I'm so exhausted. I want to travel and explore and make enough money to live comfortably. But I also want a house and a family.
I have always longed for love. Even when I was really little. I always wanted to be the princess that married the handsome prince. I've always been a hopeless romantic but have had to hold back on the hopeless romantic tendencies because I live in the real world. And I have anxiety in the real world but we won't talk about that yet.
Right now the song going through my head is Someday my prince will come from Snow White. Not even my favorite princess movie. Not even close. But I resonate with that line. I feel like I've been saying it for so long.
It's not that guys haven't shown interest. There have been a few. And many of those few have been undesirable in my opinion. Which isn't their fault necessarily, but it has more to do with me.
Having raised myself in church, I've been trained to think many specific things about dating, marriage, men, etc. that make it insanely more difficult.
When I say "raised myself in church", I only mean that I didn't come from a Christian family. My parents never went to church. In fact, it was mostly just me. My sisters would come, but usually only if I made them. That makes me sad because I do love God. I love Jesus. I love church people. I hope this sounds genuine and not hoke-y. I feel like I do have a relationship with God that can't be described well in words. It's not a romantic relationship. It's like a familial relationship but with less anxiety and agony because He's perfect and wants what's best for me. That makes me so happy. I should be content knowing that. But I'm not.
I've been led to believe things by well meaning fellow Christians that aren't really true.

Dating in biblical times was not a thing. People didn't even really court each other. Their parents and relatives, or other authoritative figures, put couples together. They put them together really young too.
When I put things in perspective, I found that I had thrown walls up to experiences and other events, because I was being "biblical" or another word for that.

I'm also someone who hates to waste their time when it comes to dating. I don't wanna beat around the bush and talk with someone who isn't truly interested. All for it to just not happen in the end. And I've always pictured myself meeting someone in person. I want to meet eyes across the room or have the awkward talks where both parties are wondering if they like each other. I crave that. I want those awkward first steps of relationship. I want people to witness it.

But I don't go anywhere. The type of men I want aren't around me. At least not that I know of. I go to school, work, and stay home. I don't have the energy to go anywhere else. That saddens me.
I stay pretty lonely. Sometimes it's very awful because I don't feel connected to another human being. Let me preface this all by saying that I have plenty of friends. I have acquaintances, surface level friends, school friends, long term friends, and best friends. I don't need more friends really. And it's so exhausting to "hang out" with people.
At school, I'm not myself, I put up walls because people won't like me. I know this to be a fact. I show them a smidgen of who I am, the part I know they'll accept, but they won't like me for me - 100% me. They will socially crucify me if they knew me for real. Which sucks in the worst way.
Meanwhile, people back home don't really know me either. Many probably think I've sold out if they see bits and pieces of who I really am. I'm not even sure I know the real me.

But I get pretty lonely, right? So dating sucks. Dating is nonexistent for me. I'm just not around enough single straight men that fit the criteria I look for. Do I even know what that criteria is? It was written a long time ago but now some things have changed.
I used to be under the impression that if you prayed for a man, he would come. Not just a man but all of the specific things you wanted, God would give him to you. I do believe that God can make that happen for a person. However, of all the Christian couples that I know, they didn't start out that way.
It feels like a myth. The perfect man. Right?

In comes online dating. I've done it before. Downloaded the app. Logged into the website. Swiped left and right. Matched with people. All of it. I rarely meet the guy, though. I'm pretty good, I would say, at judging if it's worth it to meet him. Usually it's not. For some reason, I
attract odd ones that are better online.

But I've been talking to a guy. And we actually talk on the phone fairly often. I love his voice. He has a subtle country accent. I'm sure I do too. It's not too high, not too deep. Just right. I like his laugh. He laughs at all my jokes. Which I tell others that that's how I know someone's a good person - not true but funny to say anyway. We have similar political views and dating history. Sometimes it's weird how much alike we are but we have our differences. He says he can cook. And I'm good with eating toast all week because then that's less dishes that I have to do. He's a few years older than me. Which is great because I need someone mature-ish. He owns his own house and car. He works. He loves his niece and nephew and spends times with them. He cares about things. And has passion about things. He doesn't talk much when you first get to know him but after a few phone calls I broke him in. He wants to take things slow. Which is great. Right?

So I'm so excited about him. So much that I'm so worried that he won't like me physically. That's usually a big hang up in online dating, or at least I think it is. I feel like many people change their tunes once they meet someone in person. And I'm over here stressing about what I should wear when we meet. Should I look casual, sexy, smart. Makeup? Yes. No. Maybe. A little.

I tell one of my oldest friends. I regret it. She tried to be too involved. A long time ago we made a little pact. We wouldn't have sex until marriage. We grew to be very close. We grew in Faith together. She was one of my closest friends. Like I don't think I'll ever have a friendship quite like that again. But she dropped it all for some guy. She gave it away and went through some shit. Eventually, she came back after that whole debacle but our friendship wasn't the same.
Fast forward and she's married to a different guy. I approve. I actually get along with him well. And we all play games together whenever I come over.

She cares too much. She wanted to be involved when me and the guy met. I understand and felt comforted at first when she offered to be a branch of protection if I needed it. But it became a stressful thing that I just...I couldn't go past. I won't give all of the details here because it's not that big of a deal. But I had to stop talking to her about him. She was paranoid.

While I'm not saying that I shouldn't be cautious, I am saying that it's a modern world. Online dating is so different than how it was ten years ago even.

Because of this whole thing, I started to get cold feet. I've been on the fence about him. And the only time I'm sure of meeting him is when we're talking on the phone. I'm sure if you saw my face, I look like I'm 16 again. I'm giddy and excited. And I feel happy. Just happy. But as soon as I hang, those fears come back. Doubt creeps in. And it's not even that deep. I only have a crush on him. On this guy that I've come to believe he is.
We scheduled a meet up but things got in the way. I was actually really relieved because I was so damn nervous.
We didn't talk on the phone until over a week later. It was a thinking time for me. And I'm almost like, "Okay. If he continues to message me and call me then I'm game. But if not, then nevermind."
Now I'm not sure what I want. I just talked to him. I was so happy he called. I really think he likes me. He's told me so. But what if I don't like him? Physically. What kind of hypocrite am I? I want people to see past my weight and shape. I want to love the body I'm in. And sometimes I do! But what if I'm not attracted to him.
It feels like I'm grieving over something that hasn't happened yet. I'm already sad because I don't think I'll be attracted to him. This means that he won't want to call me, because why would he. We weren't friends before, why would we be after. I wouldn't want to waste my time. But I'll miss the connection and the chats, the laughs, his voice. I'm just sad about it.

And if it goes well. If we really commit to each other. What then? Can I travel? By myself. Will I have my own room or office or personal space. What about all the exploring I have left to do? What about all the places and things I want to see. I've always pictured myself experiencing those things alone. It's hard to picture it with my spouse. A friend maybe but not a man. Weird.

I don't write this to be helpful. I wrote because I was inspired by dating tiktoks. I think it helped me with my thought process. I think I'm scared either way, because either way I lose something.

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