Mama always said, never trust a Scientist
|Greetings. Prince Alexandr Felinov the Third of Russia, although for some unfathomable reason, my Human Slaves insist on calling me Fluffy. They will die for that treason one day. At your service. . . Charmed? Well, yes, of course you are. You're in the presence of Royalty. Russian Royalty to boot. Now. Would you like to hear about my day of adventure when I was a nineteen year old cat? But of course you would.
Mama, Queen Catarina The First, warned me against Scientists. "Of all the Human Slaves in the world, my little prince," she said, "Scientists are the least to be trusted. They are even worse than Human Offspring, as their Offspring mature. Scientists never seem to."
I was not to know it at the time, but I would not get the choice about who I lived with. A Scientist took me to his dwelling.
The first fifteen years (that's Feline years, not Human years) of my life passed tolerably well. I tormented the parrot and tried to fish for the Golden Carp, which infuriatingly seemed to be protected by some sort of forcefield.
It was four years later, when I was nineteen that I had my first indication that Mama was correct. But of course she was. She was the Wisest Queen of Russia that ever lived.
It was a Sunday afternoon and it started like any other. I was in the room the Scientist called the Study, trying to find a way through the Golden Carp's forcefield when a green light caught my attention. I abandoned the wretched Carp and played Kill The Laser Light instead.
But this laser light was different. It expanded until it was a sheet of green light that surrounded me on all sides. The Carp was barely visible through the haze, but it had grown. As I neared the edge of the Laser Field, I could see right into the black cavern of the Carp's toothless mouth. I turned and sprinted in the other direction before it swallowed me whole, over dunes and valleys that I'd never encountered before. Everything looked familiar, but was ten times the size it had been moments before.
The Scientist had also become a giant. He spun round on his chair as he followed the path of the Laser Field.
"Fluffy! Oh, Dear God! Fluffy!" He yowled.
I know I'm royalty, but God? I liked that.
I couldn't escape as a vast paw scooped me up and deposited me in the middle of a desert. There was a strange cuboid block that looked vaguely like the Offspring's, but otherwise, the desert consisted of small molehills. A giant eagle with red and blue plumage and a colossal wingspan landed next to me. I sprinted for the edge of the desert, only to come to the edge of the world.
The eagle cocked its head and eyed me with a glassy black bead of an eye. "Caw! Fluffy tiny."
Revenge of the Giant Killer Parrot. My second Life hung by a thread.
"What do you mean, you shrunk the cat?" Screeched the Scientist's sister.
Why was everyone suggesting I was the problem?
"Sarah, it was an accident. I didn't see him."
I bolted for the Boulder-block.
"Caw! Fluffy Tiny."
"Libby's gonna kill you." Sarah appeared through the vastness of space. "Fluffy? Where are— ? Oh, there you are."
Once again, a massive paw scooped me up. This time, a huge claw moved towards me. Life Two was about to be extinguished.
But all the claw did was stroke my fur. "Don't worry, Fluffy-Bun. Daddy will sort you out. Hopefully before Mummy returns."
"I'll have to take him to the Lab."
The Labrador? Oh no! Anything but the Labrador!
The Humans took me through to the kitchen and deposited me into a glass pit that the Scientist called a Petri dish then placed me in the automobile, which growled and moaned as the world flew by in a blur.
Eventually, it came to a standstill, the Scientist retrieved my pit, giant paw stretching like a thick canvas over the sky, claws like tree trunks through which I could see nothing but white.
"Henry?!" The Scientist called. "Are you here?"
A boom, then another giant Scientist filled the horizon through the tree trunk claws. I used those massive claws as cover as my third life flashed before my eyes.
"What happened?" Growled this Scientist.
"I shrunk the cat. Libby's going to look me."
An eye the size of my head with glass discs the size of the sun peered down at me. I arched my back and hissed, but the Scientist seemed unperturbed.
"Oh my! I see what you mean. We'd better get him to the Reverse Generator."
Once again, the world moved in a blur as monstrous machines glared down at me with red, green and blue unblinking pupils.
My Scientist placed me down in the middle of a cold metal barren wasteland. And vanished, leaving me to my fate. Clearly, he was as terrified of the Labrador as I was.
Alone, and with lives passing away by the second, I prayed to the Holy Trinity — The All-Knowing Lioness, The All-Powerful Tigress, and the All-Seeing Jaguar — to spare at least some of my lives.
They answered my call.
A heavenly white light entered my eyes and the world shrunk. My Scientist reappeared, back to his usual size. He bared his teeth at me in a manner I'd come to learn was a friendly, happy grimace.
"Welcome back, Fluffy," he said, as though I'd been the one to disappear. "Let's get you home before your mother realises we're missing."
And that, my dear brethren, is the story of my Day of Adventure.