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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2244397-An-Infomercial-for-Prozac
Rated: 18+ · Review · Satire · #2244397
Sure, there are other ways to cope with life, but who has time when a pill is convenient
Did you know that smiling is a gateway expression, which if left unchecked, can lead to a condition known as emotional stability? Causing a variety of serious symptoms such as elevated self-esteem, exuding confidence, long term happiness and in acute cases, permanent and irreversible loss of all thoughts of self-harm. Next, we will be advising people that instead of taking a pill a day, they should address the issues which are causing their feelings to act against them.

There are those who, despite the team of pseudo-scientists we pay handsomely for the right research results, have it in for poor little multinational pharmaceutical conglomerates such as Eli Lilly & Co, who are here for one reason and one reason only...to help people who are desperate for a quick and easy, yet far from cheap, solution to the issues they face.

If not for the hard-working and dedicated people who work for Eli Lilly &Co, who care more about their clients than they do their own families, friends and colleagues, we here at Eli Lilly & Co wouldn't be one of the richest and most successful drug dealers in the world today. And it is this kind of ruthless determination and sacrifice that will see Prozac+Give A Fuck(Trade-Mark) Prozac+GAF(TM) find its place as the number one happiness replacement pill in the world today. These unfortunate employees will claim it was their dedication that caused them to go on highly discounted Prozac+GAF(TM), once their marriages, relationships and friendships are no longer viable. A claim we here at Eli Lilly & Co are willing to spend more money defending than it would cost to pay these people out. (Disclaimer; no responsibility is taken by Eli Lilly & Co...it's just what happens these days).

If one day you are walking down the street in the daze that only Prozac+GAF(TM) provides and a stranger approaches you with a smile...please, don't fall for this fake smile scam and DO NOT, under any circumstances, smile back. Because if you do, you may well find yourself on the other side of the tracks...the side you aren't from. And once there, it's possible you may never return...and so, making this side the other side of the tracks for you.

Why risk your genuine unhappiness for something as short-lived as a smile anyway? I've seen it a thousand times...or at least, a few times before and these scumbags who peddle synthetic happiness, by way of fake smiles, will always give the first smile (hit) for free. If you are foolish enough to smile back, you will get a rush of happiness, but from there, it's all downhill. (Disclaimer; only applies if you are on top of a hill. Eli Lilly & Co take no responsibility for any uphills you may encounter wandering the streets searching for more smiles).

When you hit rock bottom because smiles are so hard to come by, you will wish you hadn't discarded your Prozac+GAF(TM) for an ever-increasing habit of searching for smiles instead of the reliable and cost-effective happiness that only Prozac+GAF(TM) provides to its millions of patients all across the world. Proven time and again by their zombie groans of genuine happiness that only Prozac+GAF(TM) can provide.

Prozac+GAF(TM) It's nice not to feel down...or up, or sideways or love or hate or sex or life. Prozac+GAF(TM)...get some into you today.

This ad was brought to you by Prozac+GAF(TM)...medically proven by our team of pseudo-scientists to have zero side effects...other than mood swings, voices telling you to kill your family, explosive diarrhea followed by severe constipation, breaking out in puss-filled blisters, blackouts, especially when taken during snowstorms. If this occurs, do not...I repeat DO NOT drive your vehicle at homeless people who are not on the road. However, if they are crossing the road or walking along the sidewalk you may run them down...but only if it is safe to do so and will cause minimal damage to your vehicle.

WARNING...homeless people have a hard outer layer that protects them from the cold and indignity. This naturally hard exterior could cause serious damage to your vehicle if you are not travelling faster than the fastest mouse in all of Mexico, whilst blacking out during a snowstorm and accidentally running them down on purpose. Only Prozac+GAF helps with this condition, by reducing your fear of going speedier than speedy with our patented GAF formula.

Prozac+GAF(TM)...the drug the whole family can enjoy...without knowing it...or each other...or even themselves.
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