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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2244568-always-her
by kiaz
Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Mystery · #2244568
i had lost the only person that truly understood me. i didn't know how to keep going.
I had a dream; it was the most memorable dream I had ever had. There was a large, open field, filled with sweet smelling flowers and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. The hot sun beamed down on her tanned, glowing skin, and her brown eyes seems to glimmer in the sunlight. She looked relaxed. Her body was spread out in the long, green grass. Lying down next to her, I closed my eyes. I felt calm, the first time in a while. She turned to face me, a small smile playing on her lips. She took my hand and whispered in my ear.

I had another dream. There was another girl; she wasn't so beautiful this time. Her fearful eyes were filled with tears and her crimson blood smeared the once pretty, bright flowers. She smiled. Grimaced maybe. She wasn't happy, had she ever been happy? She looked frightened. I oddly felt her pain, her heartbreak. I felt it in the tips of my toes and up to my confused brain. Her eyes seemed dull in the pale moonlight; her translucent skin lacked warmth.

Her agony, her anger. It seemed familiar. Almost too familiar. Her limp body was surrounded in the grey grass; the night sky was too dark, the cool air too cool. Her body was too small.

"Help me" she cried. She cried and cried. I saw her eyes; did she know who she was?

I knew this girl.

I knew this girl.

My family.

My stupid, perfect family.

There was me, my brother and my perfect parents. Harry was the model son, grade A student, home before curfew, simple love life. I wasn't an exception to this white-picket-fence family, never once scoring below an A in my exams. High school wasn't difficult at first for me, I was well liked and had a small but nice group of friends. I didn't used to think my life was controlled. I didn't even think that it was all planned out for me, by my family, my friends.

I loved my life, my small job in the quaint café on the corner of Berkley Street. I loved my co-workers, my boss and the kind customers.

I lived in an extremely small town, in the very corner of Florida. The summers were nice, the winters were awful. The town was filled with small-minded people, who all shared the same, medieval beliefs.

Being brought up around those beliefs was almost traumatic, being told day after day who I couldn't be, and that who I wanted to be wasn't acceptable. There was always unsolved murders in our small, coastal town. Drownings, stabbings, shooting, lynching's. The main theme that linked them all was that these people were innocent, to everyone but the people who did the killings and my whole town of course. Being gay, an African American, or having a non- American accent, or not speaking English put you as a target.

It definitely was traumatic.

No doubt about it.

I was the only one it seemed who always put two and two together, the murders and the conditions. It was always the people who were a minority in society. Nobody seemed suspicious.


But me.

Our town was infamous for the KKK, as the founding group originated from our very simple town; I can't say I'm proud of it. With all that said, everyone obviously knew who was taking these innocent lives, in secret, but in public it was never addressed. Nobody else seemed to care. Why didn't they care? They should care.

I had tried to bring it up, just to a few people. Usually, I was told to keep my mouth shut, and the subject was changed. I had grown bored with the shocked faces when I brought it up at family dinners, now I keep quiet.


There was a dinner a couple weeks back, a very fancy one, the type with the nice cutlery out. I had dressed in my best dress, and my family in their best outfits. When Grandad comes to town, it's usually like that. I liked Grandpa Joe when I was younger, but now I can't bear to be in the same room as him. I knew he was racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic, from a young-ish age, but I never saw how deep that unnecessary hatred ran. I'm ashamed to say I'm related to that person.

"Have you seen the local news today Joe?" My mother scowled at me.

"Yes. What about it?" He asked with a mouthful of food in his mouth.

"There was a recent murder, just found last night. I just thought the conditions of it were suspicious" My mother's fork dropped onto her empty plate in shock. I felt everyone's eyes penetrate my skin; their icy glares made me shiver.

"Nothing was wrong with the murder, was there?"

"Well...yes. Look at who was murdered, it's wrong, you see that, don't you?" I pleaded with the rest of my family.

"Just eat your food" My mother told me, I looked over at my dad, his disappointed eyes refusing to meet my desperate ones.

"No, it's wrong"

"Stop thinking about it if you know what's good for you. You aren't one of them, are you?" My eyes threatened to release the tears they were holding. At that point, I knew I needed to leave that town and never come back.

If I knew what was good for me.

A few years have passed since I lost my person. Her name was Alycia. I was utterly consumed with her being. Her laugh, her smile, her face, just her. Just her and I. She was my favourite person. Nobody else compared to her, nobody came close to her. Our love was that of fairy tales, I liked to think. I'm sure she would've agreed with me, I hoped she would've. The circumstances of our love were complicated, but our feelings were not. I loved her with my whole soul, I would've done anything for her.

Losing her was the hardest thing I had ever endured.

It was the middle of July. Prime house party season. Devastating car crash. I still remember it so vividly, the blood, the buzz of alcohol in my system, the adrenaline rush. I remember when the car skidded off the road, when I felt her cold hand grip mine, almost telling me that we were going to be okay. I remember hearing everyone's screams, I remember the pain, the fear, the heat. I didn't like to talk or think about it, but I remember everything, I remember when the car finally stopped and I looked at her, at our intertwined hands.

Her life slipped from mine.

Her blood was wrapped around me.

After the crash, I still felt her around. I could still see her in our places, the kissing alley, the run-down park and the corner shop. Her presence comforted me. I felt at ease when I saw her, like when she would walk me home from school or let me ramble on about how much I hated my life. She was always a good pick me up, always brightening my mood after a long, hard day.

"I will wait for you"

People began to find out shortly after she started appearing. I don't remember much, I just remember seeing her everywhere, telling me to do things, which I did, for her. She talked to me a lot. It kept me sane, kept my demons at bay. But I lost a few months of my life, and I can't seem to get it back...

"You're going to be okay" That's what I heard many times a day in the hospital. I was never told what was wrong with me.

"You'll be okay" Every day. For many weeks.

"I'm still here for you" That voice, that all so familiar is what got me through.

"I will wait for you" I basked in that voice; it was enough to keep my shattered heart beating.

Deep, deep, deep down I knew she had actually died, I saw the body, the wreck. I knew she wasn't here. But I didn't like to face that, I liked to think she was with me, keeping me going. I wanted to believe that she was still with me, still guiding me through my tough patches. Her voice, her face, made me cling onto that hope that I grabbed with all of my strength. What nobody understood is that she knew something about me, the part of myself I hated the most. She knew, and she still loved me. For that, I felt like I owed her something, a part of me, a part of me to live on in. You don't know what it's like to find your love and to lose her.




After the accident, I was left in the hospital for a few weeks, to recover mentally and physically. I wasn't allowed to see anyone else who was in the car. The driver had been arrested due to his alcohol levels and everyone else was questioned for hours. I answered every question, so I could see her. I hadn't been told what had happened. They said complications from head trauma, but I didn't believe that, she had to be fine.

I was allowed to see her body a few days after I had been told the news. I had kicked and screamed, they gave in and let me say goodbye.



It couldn't have been her; she always had the nicest, softest skin. Her flowing hair was always so shiny, it now was dull. It didn't look like her anymore, and I didn't feel like me anymore. Her body was sprawled across the cold, metal slab. As soon as I saw her, I felt sick to my stomach, the pit settling in once again. I couldn't shake that pit for a while, and I never truly knew why.

Her funeral was dull. It didn't suit who she was. The swarm of black, the boring music. My speech fit right in, boring, uneventful, and dull. If I'm being honest, my speech didn't feel like I wrote it, as most of my feelings and emotions for the dead girl had to be held back, leaving a blank slab for me to work on.

"She was a bright soul"

"She picked me up when I was feeling lost"

"I will remember her for the rest of time"

I should've added more into it.

I'm sorry.

Her family never spoke to me again; they acted like I never existed. I was close to her parents before the accident, they were like my second family. My family acted like she never existed, they never spoke her name, or acknowledged what we had. It broke my heart more than I cared to admit. I should've spoken out more.

I'm sorry.

You deserved better.

Starting school again after what had happened was hard, people blamed me, people blamed the driver, and people blamed fate. When you're grieving, people seem to want to blame someone, and not themselves.

I took the majority of the blame, I felt guilty. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't have been at the party and she wouldn't have been in the car. As I got older, I began to realise that I wasn't fully to blame, I wasn't the drunk driver, and I didn't pretend to be sober. That made her loss a little easier, a little, not a lot.

Once you find your person, who understands you completely, and you them, it's hard to let go. I did eventually, but it took a very long time. I tried to go to therapy, and I tried to talk to people. I wasn't a very expressive person, I tended to keep things locked away. Therapy didn't work. I don't think I worked again; my body was on auto pilot constantly.

The first day of school was difficult, with the apologetic glances or the evil eyes. Teachers often took pity on me, and students always avoided the girl with the broken smile. My classes were either uneventful or too busy, never nicely in between. I hated school, which was odd, as before I always loved the environment. I had changed hugely, and I wasn't sure if it was for the better or not...

I rarely went to school after the awful first day, I either spent my days hiding out at home or wandering the small, pitiful town. I used to get comments from the older people who resided in town, it didn't hurt my feelings much, as I didn't really feel at all at that part of my life.

"You're an outcast"

"Who do you think you are?"

"You can't feel that way"

I was always odd, in many senses of the word, but I never truly minded. I just wanted to love, and I got to, but it was always in private. That also didn't bother me, because I got my time to be adored, and so did others. Just the conditions were different, and the prejudice real.

Being an outcast in a town full of boring souls was too distressing for me to cope with.

I just didn't know how to keep going without her.

I showed up at school once before the Christmas break, only 5 months after the accident. It was awful. How can people be so happy around the loneliest time of year? I had a few good friends, who always stuck by me, but they weren't her. They didn't have the same effect as she did. It's sad, looking back, but I was sad, and I can't change that.

"Are you okay?"

"Can I get you anything?"

"Aren't you going to eat?"

I was asked those questions on a regular basis, but how does one answer them? Usually, a nod in their vague direction sufficed, and then the talk about boys started up again. Don't get me wrong, I knew a good-looking guy when I saw one, and I didn't mind to talk the talk, but in that particular moment I could think of nothing worse to gossip about.

From the minute I walked into a room, or joined up with my friends after a long, boring lesson, chatter would usually die down, and stares were served my way. I didn't mind, I would've stared at me too.

There was one person though, who understood my anger, my pain. That was Jax, he was in the car and he also lost someone that day. We weren't very close, I for one being an outcast while he fit right in with the crowd. After the accident, he never got the stares, the blame, or the pity. He got the normalcy, and for that I pitied him. I thought that he never got to truly mourn her death, as he, she and I were quite close as kids, and I knew he didn't forget about us. Jax's life seemed complex, with a huge future looming over him, I could relate to him, in private of course. Nobody wanted to be seen with the murderer.

"Hey" His face, so familiar yet so distant. He always looked friendly. But nobody knew what hid behind the façade.

"Hi" He perched next to me, his whole-body tense. His eyes sad.

"How are you doing?" He asked me, in return I nodded.

"How are you?" I asked him. But does anyone answer that question honestly?

"I don't know how to be" He put it simply, but I could see, who couldn't, that behind his eyes there was a lot of anger, and pain, and grief.

"I get that...I really do" After that there was silence, he sat still beside me, just observing the world. In that moment, nothing else really mattered but his presence next to mine. For the first time in a while, I didn't feel completely alone, and it was nice, but short lived.

"I don't blame you; you know? You didn't kill her" He whispered to me, almost like the words burnt his tongue.

"Thanks" I didn't know what to say.

"I really don't. People are wrong to blame you. I'm sorry for what happened" I frowned.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Isn't that what people say?" I laughed lightly.

"Yes. Yes, they do."

Joe had died early January.

I had expected to feel a sense of sadness, grief. Is it wrong, that in some twisted way, I almost felt relieved? Don't get me wrong, I loved Joe, he was family, but I finally didn't have his hot breath breathing down my neck about who I was.

He died of a short-term illness, I never saw him before he died, I didn't get to say goodbye. Even if I hated that man, he was my grandfather, and I always seemed to want some closure, some acceptance.

That, I never got.

My family were distraught, breaking into tears at any given time. My mother, father and brother grieved very deeply. You could see how devastated they felt, and how much the death took a toll on them.

I didn't feel anything.


I hated myself that I couldn't even mourn a loss correctly. I shed no tears, felt no remorse, and kept my head above water while everyone was sinking. The relationship me and Joe had was very complicated, we just didn't click, we just weren't close. We rarely talked and we had completely different views.

Is it normal that we just didn't understand each other?

His funeral was like any other funeral, the ocean of black, the sad speeches, the red, blotched faces. Everyone mourned the same, everyone felt the same.


But me.

After his funeral I maybe expected the world to stop spinning, for events to stop and for people to mourn. For my family, that did happen, birthdays were disrupted, and feelings confused. In the midst of everything, for me, life just seemed to carry on. The memory of my grandfather never plagued my thoughts and the pain never arrived. The guilt, for not feeling it, always showed up, making me realise how much of a monster I was, a psychopath, inhuman. I knew I could feel some sort of pain, after enduring a loss several months prior, maybe it was Joe's actions that skewed my course of grief, or maybe I had had enough, maybe I had given up?

"What did I do to deserve this life?" My thoughts were plagued by deep, shrouded guilt. Guilt for not feeling some type of way for him.

"How did I screw up this bad?" Yet no tears came, no pang of grief came.

"Alycia, what do I do?"

"Help me".

"Why did you leave me, please!"

I liked to think that she was always looking over me, out for me. I liked to believe that she was proud of me and that she held me through my stormy nights. I liked to think she still loved me, from beyond the grave.

I had held so much unresolved pain from her death, I never truly gave myself time to get over her. I didn't want to, I kept her alive in my head so I could survive, so I could keep myself from falling under.




I had begun to chant it, when I needed strength, when I needed help, when I needed her. It merely helped me keep my body and soul together.

At what point did I stop living?

And just started surviving?

Jax had come and gone from time to time, talking to me in private, never acknowledging me in public. I didn't mind, at least he tried. He never brought her up again, never told me he was sorry, or told me I wasn't to blame. Maybe he changed his mind; maybe he thought I really did kill her? I didn't mind, after all, it's what everyone thought.

Sometimes, he would nod at me in the school hallways, a secret code almost. He never asked how I was, or if I was okay. He knew I wasn't, and neither was he. We left it at that, we reminisced over our childhood or complained about exams, almost like normal kids. Except, we weren't normal. We had a huge secret on our shoulders, and our lives almost ruined by the accident.

My reputation was gone, down the drain. In the whole town, one person truly believed in me. My family never said it to my face, but I knew what they thought, that's why they didn't really talk to me when I was younger. I saw them at home, but dinner time was awkward, until I finished and continued hiding under my duvet. The chatter could begin once I was gone, and I could hear them all downstairs. It used to make me cry, but after a while it didn't bother me. After all, who wants to be related to a criminal?

There was an annual carnival, down by the river. Once every year, bright lights, merry go rounds, and candy floss would attack our town for a week. I used to love it. Sitting on the big wheel with my people, getting high of candy. This year, this year was different, the hot summers breeze was too hot, the candy floss too sweet. Even though I did attend, it felt different, and I'm not sure if the old feeling ever came back.

Mia and I partnered up for the rides, the rest of my group also split into twos, it was always Mia and I in the past, and I don't think she minded, I could've been wrong...

I saw Jax at one point, he gave me a little wave when nobody was looking and then he was dragged away by his friends. In his eyes, I could see he wasn't enjoying it as much as he used to. Maybe it was because he was getting older, or maybe it just was the circumstances of the past year.

The whole town must've attended on that particular night, and the atmosphere seemed too stuffy, too crowded. Queues for the rides were miles long, and the music blared too loudly. Towards the end of the night there was always a speech, thanking people for their hard work throughout the year. The mayor would give a short speech and then everyone would be on their merry way home

At least I thought it would be that simple.

At least I thought I could fly under the radar.

"Good evening!" The mayor's voice boomed. A chorus of welcoming and cheers were heard in response.

"I have a special guest speaker tonight!" I frowned; this had never happened in the past.I recognised who was padding up to the podium. Not her, anyone but her.

"Hello everyone!" She cheered.

"I'm here to say a few words about our dear departed friend, Alycia" Her eyes seemed to scan the wild crowd, before she landed on my wide eyes, frantically searching for a way out,

"I'm sure many know who she was, and how she died. I'm not sure you know the full story yet" She sent a smirk my way.

I knew what was coming.

I knew what she had planned.

I tried to run, get away, but my feet were frozen to the ground, almost like the Earth was punishing me for killing her. Pushing me to my fate.

"There's one person who knows the full story, but I won't get her to join me tonight, I'll tell the story for her. You all know there was a crash, a dreadful crash that took our best and brightest. Well, I'm sure you don't know how the car crashed, and it wasn't to do with the drunk driver"

Her eyes met mine.

I knew.

I knew.

"It was HER" Her finger pointed to me; a million sets of eyes burned into my head.

"She cut the brakes, she wanted to kill Alycia because she knew something she shouldn't have" I couldn't seem to find the air to breathe. I couldn't look from her eyes. Yet, after all of that, I couldn't find a reason to blame her; after all it was my fault.

"Alycia knew a big bad secret" She sung out; an evil look plastered on her face.

"SHE, HER right there, SHE loved Alycia, and not in a friendly way, in a deeper, stronger way" People seemed to get what she was hinting at, the whole town grew silent, all eyes on the outcast.

I couldn't remove my eyes from her.




I can't remember much before I felt the cold metal wrap around my wrists, confirming my guilt. Being pushed into the back of a police car is all I recalled before I saw the face of Jax, he knew the truth, and I saw something. His face held that of a promise, like he almost promised to free me, to tell the world the truth.

Like I said... almost.

I spent around 2 weeks locked up, however all 14 days seemed like an eternity. The people in there did not spare me any mercy, from beatings to unwanted touches, I can't say it was a nice trip.

Jax visited me a few times. Apparently, I provoked the speech and I needed some 'time away to think about my crimes'. Nobody brought up the false claims now that people knew the truth. The car had been checked – what was left of it – and the brakes were as intact as they could be after a crash. No sign of purposeful damage.

The day I was released seemed to go by in a whirlwind, from people apologising to me and then some people still being suspicious of me.

"The accusations didn't come from nowhere"

"There must be some truth to the claims"

The police let me go from their grasp, but i seemed leave without my once endless freedom. The guilt, trauma and overall tiredness ate me alive, even at home I still didn't feel comfortable. My brother seemed to swarm me, as he could do no wrong, while my parents stayed clear of the broken mess I had resulted to.

School was starting up in a few weeks, and I couldn't dread it more. I knew Jax and my other friends had my back in private, but how many would show support in front of hundreds of people?

The little river just behind the kissing alley was always a good hiding spot, great to think and watch the world turn. Nobody seemed to need an escape anymore, so usually it was empty.

Until tonight.

"Hey" I sat down beside him.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know what to do" I smiled softly.

"It's okay, besides at least people know some truth now" He returned my smile.

The quietness was nice, with the faint sounds of running water and the chirping birds. It was bliss. Jax raised his arm and pulled me into a tight embrace. It was nice. It didn't compare to her presence. But it was nice, oddly comforting.

"I am so proud of you" He spoke softly.

We stayed huddled up beside the riverbank for a while, watching the small birds catch their food and the sun getting smaller and smaller. By the time it had gone dark, I felt that dreadful feeling returning from earlier. The hurt. The guilt. The pain.

Push it back.

Don't ruin this.

"I should get going" Jax stood up after I nodded, waved goodbye and strolled home through the kissing alley.

I don't recall when I must've fallen asleep, but I do remember the bright, burning sun waking me from my slumber. I remember having to return to reality, having to tread home, having to supress the feelings of guilt. From the journey home, I remember this one feeling. This one, prominent feeling.

This pain.

This hurt.

It was going to last forever.

After the carnival, the arrest, and the constant reminder of my sins, laying low indefinitely was the best idea. It had been 3 weeks since I last saw Jax, and one day off the start of the new school term. I was mentally prepared for the torture to ensue from my peers. But even the most amount of preparation couldn't have protected anyone from the small town I called home.

My alarm had rung, my teeth had been cleaned and my stomach did somersaults. I was nervous. To say the least. I lived relatively close to the run-down school, and as did most of my friends, not that it mattered, they never came to see me.

As usual, the stares, the glares and the sympathy were thrown my way again, with a little bit of apology in-between. Nobody seemed to blame me face to face now, I guess that was some progress?

My teachers didn't seem to acknowledge my presence in the back of each cold, damp cell. My friends clung close to my side, almost like they thought I would break.

I wouldn't break.

I couldn't.

Jax had acted his usual self, sending me nods and smiles along the day, when he was out of eyes reach. Each lesson was the same. Sit, write, leave. It was boring, but it was normalcy, and that was what I needed.

School finished a little late, my science teacher rambled on about radiation and global warming. I can't say it wasn't interesting, but at that point nothing did seem to interest me, to peak my attention.

"Hi" His voice again, some days I wondered if he ever got bored of the same life day in day out.

"Hi" I turned to face him. He looked tired. Was he tired?

"How was your day" I laughed lightly. How was my day?

"Normal, yours?" He sent me a little nod, their air was a little awkward after that, it had never been awkward before.

"I am sorry, you know that don't you?" His eyes seemed to hold some terror; his eyes looked like mine.

"Yes. Nobody else seems to be though" His eyes darkened.

"They're wrong. You should be left alone to grieve in peace" I stayed quiet, a regular occurrence for me.

"What's wrong?" He asked sympathetically. I think he also said something else, but I couldn't hear him. Everything had zoned out, including the loud beating of my heart. The hurricane inside had taken over. It had immobilised me. It was slowly killing me.

From inside, out.

I felt his hands grasp my shoulders, softly shaking me, trying to revive me. Every part of me wanted to die, every cell in my body wanted to give up my fight.

It would be numb there, peaceful.

I was re-positioned, my head in the crook of his neck, his secure arms wrapped around me like a vine.

"You're okay"

"I'm here"

"I'm here for you"

I heard Jax's soothing voice in my ear, slowly calming me down. I don't know what happened to me that day, but I knew Jax did. After that day he was a lot more gentle with me, treating me like I might just shatter if he applied a little too much pressure.

"I want to help you, how can I help you?" He asked me, a little too softly.

I shrugged my shoulders, afraid that if I opened my mouth to talk, I would wail like a baby. His warm hand rubbed small circles on my back, and my head was resting on his shoulder.

"I will always be here to support you" He murmured. A rush of anger swept over me.

His support would always be confidential.

I held back my rage, the stupid rage that always bubbled from nowhere.

I went home that night feeling not much at all. I knew Jax did all he could to help me in private, but when would he show his aid in front of many prying eyes? I wanted to ask him about it, why he's ashamed to be seen with me. But I didn't, I understood, you have to understand how much I understood. Maybe that hurt me, maybe it didn't.


How did I feel about love after her in comparison to before her?

Few had come and gone before I met her, but after her was a huge, heavy blank. Nobody else was like her, and I was content with that. I accepted that there was nobody else for me, but I still didn't have it in me to move on.

I wished I could see her again.

I wished a lot of things when I was younger.

School was a regular occurrence, after being threatened for not attending. The stares haunted me, following me wherever I went.

However, there was one day, one redeemable day out of many painful ones, that made my whole fight worth the world.

Tuesday night, walking home.

Home wasn't home for me anymore; it was just a house with windows and doors. Not home. Was it ever home to me? Usually after class, detours around the tiny, tiring town seemed much more appealing than sitting in the house, feeling sorry for myself.

I passed many old, prime spots on my wander, taking a longer, much quieter route than usual. I passed the run-down corner shop, the one that used to sell us alcohol.

Good memories.

I passed the river, the one where me and Jax occasionally met up, where Alycia and I would sit and talk for hours on end.

Good memories.

I passed the infamous kissing alley, where I shared my first kiss and exchanged "I love you's"

"We should call this place something, like our something"

"Oh really? What do you suggest?"

"The kissing alley" I laughed.

Bad memories.

Sad memories.

I tried not to dwell on the past too much, well at least not anymore, but back then it was all that used to fill my brain. It was painful, but I endured a lot of pain, so it was fine.

"I need to tell you something"

"What?" I felt concerned, we never had serious conversations.

"I...well...I-I love you" I beamed.

"I need to tell you something too"

"I love you also, I will always love you. Until I take my very last breath"

The memories made me smile, my eyes pricking with tears. I couldn't tear my eyes off the place we first kissed, it drew me in. Even when I felt another soul behind me, observing me. I couldn't find it in me to look away and move on. The moment I left that alley, the minute I stepped away from the person I used to be, the person I used to long for, would be the minute that i had to say a final goodbye. I would have to disconnect myself from her, and the version of her I kept alive. I would have to find another purpose in life.

I was a born lover.
I was never meant to fight this hard to survive.

I knew I had to, eventually, but in that one moment I felt calm, I felt her arms holding me together, leading me to the light. Even as my sobs took all of my breath away, and my face was drowned with the hurricane, she was there. I glanced around the alley before me, saying a silent goodbye, a final farewell.

"Are you just going to stand there?" I heard a voice flooding over my dying body.

"Are you listening to me?" The woman's voice seemed soft, it seemed to flow like honey. It was the cure to my illnesses, the antidote to my pain.

Tearing my eyes from the memory filled alley, my blurry vision landed on something that looked so familiar. I couldn't place my finger on what part of this figure triggered my memories. I couldn't see their face, only their silhouette in the orange, setting sun.

They walked forward.

It couldn't be.

It wasn't real

"You're not real" I heard her laugh, that laugh that I had longed to hear. I had spent hours at night preserving that laugh in my brain, it was almost etched at the front of it.

She stood before me, in all of her glory. In all of her beauty.


I didn't care if it was actually her, or just my mind playing tricks on me. But her arms wrapped around my waist, my fingers combing through her hair was the realest thing I had ever felt. I wasn't going to ruin it, because right there surrounded by all of the flowers, I had never felt happier. Never felt more serene.

She was here.

She was peace.

I was home.

One day you will read the last page of this book, you may think I'm crazy, you'll close it and set it aside. Forgetting about me and my life. We will both be returning to our worlds. The difference is, she was my world.

It's okay to move on, let me go, it's a part of life. But I will always be here for you, in between these pages where this love exists forever.

To you this is just a story.

To me, she is the reason I have one.

There are many chapters in person's life, not all bad times are permanent, but I'm glad you were patient enough to read mine.

When you feel alone in a world that will never understand you, I will be here, from the first page to the last, supporting you boundlessly.

Please don't forget me...

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