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Rated: E · Short Story · Contest Entry · #2244641
Story about buying Robert Waltz a birthday present
Where are you going?

I have to buy a birthday present.

For who?

For Whom. It’s for whom do you have to buy a birthday present? Robert Waltz would not be impressed with you making that mistake.

Fine. For whom are you buying a birthday present?

None other than the aforementioned Robert Waltz

Whom’s he?

All I know is he's a Moderator at WDC. It’s his birthday today. But I never met him.

You never met him and you’re going to buy him a birthday present?

Exactamundo, my gorgeous world famous supper model.

That seems awfully nice of you.

I totally agree.

One problem. You aren’t all that nice. In the parlance of Humphrey Bogart, what gives? You don’t even buy me birthday presents and I'm your gorgeous world famous supper model girlfriend.

Yeah, but you’re not a Moderator and you don’t look like Robert Waltz

Okay, I think you had better explain that one, Mr. Jones.

You’ve never seen his picture. If you had, you’d feel sorry for him, too.

That bad, huh?

He breaks your heart! You know those pictures they show of African children with flies in their eyes. That’s what it’s like to see a picture of Robert Waltz. When I first saw his picture, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. He’s like a gigantic nerd-ball.

Okay, so tell me, what’s a nerd-ball, in your opinion?

You know. A nerd. A geeky guy. Wears funny hats. Has a goatee. Misshapen face. Wants his friends to call him something odd, like Biggy.

They call him Biggy?

No. That’s just it. Everybody calls him Robert Waltz. He’s got no friends!

For a guy you’ve never met before, you seem to know a lot about him.

I’ve seen his picture. We writers on WDC can look at a picture and post an entire short story of up to 1000 words as long as you remember to include the word count in your forum post. You forget to include the word count in your forum post; the moderators disqualify your story. They’d disqualify their own mother’s story if she forgot to put the word count in her forum post. Tells you everything you’d want to know about Moderators. Anyway, back to Robert Waltz, he’s one strange looking dude!

Right. So, he’s got a goatee? And he wears funny hats?

Before you say it, my goatee is cool.

How about your funny hats? They cool?

They're a hell of a lot cooler than the ones Biggy Waltz wears! I’m Winchester Jones, kind of the James Bond of WDC. My hats are cool. I’ll bet he doesn’t have a world famous supper model girlfriend.

If you say so…

Anyway, I need your help. I have to buy the guy a present. He insists on it.

Well, let me think. Your question is what would a geeky looking moderator want for his birthday?

With a misshaped head.

With a misshaped head. Hmmm. First, tell me what a moderator does.

That, my darling world famous supper model girlfriend with a doctorate in Applied Ecology and Environmental Research, is a very good question. A Moderator is a person who goes around moderating people is my best guess. Hello, I'm Robert Weitz, and I'm a Moderator. Step out a line just one time, buster, see what happens to you. Forget to include your word count in your forum post--your work disappears. You won’t have time to kiss it good-bye.

Sounds kind of scary.

Well, you never want to get on the bad side of a Moderator, especially a geeky nerd weird-headed one. It’s why I'm buying the guy a birthday present. You think he might like one of those pocket protector things? You know, so he can carry all his pens around and not get red ink on his shirt pocket.

You think he carries pens around in his shirt pocket?

Of course he does. All Moderators carry around pens so they can disqualify you for doing something immoderate like failing to put your word count in your forum post. You gonna be a nitpicker, you need nine or ten red pens on you at all times.

You sound like you’re a little scared of Moderators.

I don’t think you want to mess with them; It’s not that I don’t like Moderators, exactly. It’s just, you know, things seem to go a bit smoother when they’re not around.

Like cops?

Like cops.

You want to stay under their radar.

I'm going to get Robert Waltz two pocket protectors. One for evening wear. In case he gets invited to a Moderator’s convention.

Is there such a thing?

Oh yeah. You haven’t partied until you partied with a bonified Moderator. Everybody has one drink and orders the fish well done. Place clears out after dinner. 7:30-- they’re all home in bed wearing cotton pajamas and smelling of Colgate Toothpaste.

Well, I hope Robert Waltz has a very nice birthday and likes your gift.

Me too. You definitely don’t want a guy like that mad at you.

—844 Words EXACTLY—
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