My own story of brain disorder, which easily is not accepted
|Yes, the taboos. The way that people pierce their eyes and snuff their nose to someone who is mentally ill and their easy suggestions and gestures of care they say, “you should just accept life, not have any expectations and don’t take drugs for such a minor thing”. This is the point where I think that, most of us are so ignorant to mental health. It in fact is a deliberate ignorance although there are millions of resources of knowledge on this matter. But about getting a genuine education, few….very few are actually into it.
Mental health issues. Although, we have come to a great modernized society at this very point of time and we have accepted the prevalence of a lot of physical disorders and diseases and syndromes. That means, most of us have accepted that our physical body does get ill; whether for a short period of time or for a life long period. But, the fact that the BRAIN, which is in fact the most intrinsic part of well-being and overall system of the body, is still so difficult for many to accept that it could get sick. Really sick.
I have a brain disorder. Fibromyalgia. It is more of neuro-muscular disorder where my brain is not able to balance or produce some important chemicals; neurotransmitters. Well, the triggers might have occurred during my childhood days when I used to be an introvert in an extent that I did not really speak to anyone and whenever I had to perform anything in front of class, I would be highly anxious. Yes, I know it is a very common thing to be anxious at such times. But the actual trigger was when I had an emotional trauma after my mother expired when I was at the age of 10. It was the same year when my puberty started. And of course the emotional and psychological rush at that point. The confusions about your feelings. But, I was scared to share any of those to the people who of course loved me but they had their own way of social control. Mother-less child towards her teenage and ‘lost-father’ daughter at the same time. Then, during my adolescents, I started manifesting the first syndromes. Tender muscle spasms on my shoulders, and generalized body pain where it was so difficult for me to figure out what part of my body was actually in pain. It is not that I did not visit the doctors. I did. But they would just give me painkillers which just wouldn’t work. And I am sorry to say, but my father is quite a miserly of a person. So, I did not get the proper diagnosis that I should have.
It became more severe during my late-teenage days. The intensity of the pain had aggravated, and I started having other syndromes such as, sleepless nights, extreme exhaustion to wake in the morning, fatigue, dry eyes, bowel difficulties, and most importantly the mood swings. I don’t how am I supposed to explain those mood swings, when at one moment I am so happy and a click, and the very next minute I am either angry, or sad. The other very important syndrome was my constant migraines and sensitivity to light and sound (loud sounds). I was in my Bachelor level studies at this time, and I was no longer able to bear that pain. So, I decided to get a proper health checkup this time. But I was still depended financially on my father and I had some savings of my own and a very good friend of mine was so very generous towards me and he helped me to get diagnosed. So, finally, I was able to know what exactly was wrong with me, and could make sense of all those physical syndromes that I had to go through every other day. But, sadly, the doctor said there is no cure of this disorder and all we can do is manage the pain and the mood swings and everything else. I was given some medicines to help manage the pain, which made me drowsy. P.S I was not financially independent, so I decided to discontinue the management thing. I got so much used to the pain that it is really difficult to imagine one single day without any of those syndromes. Yes, I learned to live with the disorder.
I did some net surfing of course, and I even started to do some exercises, especially yoga which would strengthen my muscles. Years passed. I was 19 when I got diagnosed with the disorder. And now I am 28. So, it has almost been a decade living with the disorder. I do regret for not following up with my doctor at that time, because if I had, probably it wouldn’t have gotten this bad or this severe. Neglecting it has affected me in many ways and sometimes, I cannot function properly. I have been having tremors, heart palpitations, sensations all over my body, dissociative syndromes, dizziness, suicidal thoughts and sometimes, fear of dying, constant headaches, dry mouth, constipation. And a day came when I was just not able to move my neck. I had to visit the doctor at this very point and then, I found out that I am suffering from severe anxiety and depression. And FYI, Fibromyalgia is comorbid to anxiety and depression .
But, as they say better late than never, I am getting the treatment now, since I am able to afford for my Mental Health. More of a management thing though. I am taking anti-depressants which in fact is also used as medication for Fibromyalgia to regulate the neurotransmitters. (The first medications that I took when I was 19 were medicines used for epilepsy, but also used for Fibromyalgia. But it did not suit me well.) Finally I have been able to have a good sleep after what seems like an eternity and my body aches have reduced to a great extent. The episodes of anxiety and panic attacks do occur time and again, but I am learning to cope with them and I think I have been doing will since the past 6-7 months. I have become myself from what I was shadowing and hiding behind that pretentious curtains. I feel alive, and yes drugs make me feel alive. I hope, someday I will be able to feel alive without them.
But, somethings will never change I know. They are my biological personality traits which develops during the early childhood days. And I am a person who is biologically very sensitive and highly anxious. I can’t change this. And it hurts, and it kind of makes me annoyed when people keep on telling me “don’t be depressed. don’t expect. don’t delve into what happened in your past”. But, all those events in the past has in fact made me who I am right now. Isn’t it?
All I want is for people to be considerate how they behave with children. The early childhood development thing. I believe every parent or every adult should be and must be aware of how children are affected by your actions and your words which later will determine what they become of as an adult. Be careful of your words, more importantly your criticisms. Children are very fragile and soft, so please don’t let the adult conflicts affect your Children.
Mental health issues conceives from childhood. Don’t mess up their BRAIN.